Two years ago I wrote an article comparing every SEC school to a famous musical artist or band. Unlike my HPV it never went viral. However, it was apparently a good idea because this year, a writer by the name of Braden Gall did the exact same article for Athlon Sports. Crazy huh?!
But since I was raised on the streets/cul-de-sacs of an all-black neighborhood in suburban Atlanta called Stone Mountain, I handled this the same way any other ruthless G from the 30083 would. (If you doubt my street cred just know that my pediatrician’s office was next door to where Ludacris shot the “What’s Your Fantasy” video. Mic drop.) So I blew him up on Twitter with the help of my girlfriend and decided to do a follow-up piece that could not be duplicated by that pigskin-themed plagiarizer: Rap. Why? Because nobody is gonna’ trust someone named Braden on his rap music expertise.
For this riveting piece of urban journalism, I only did comparisons for the SEC, so there are a few teams around the nation unfortunately left out. For instance, FSU would obviously be Chris Brown because both treat women like Ford treats crash test dummies or I treat my liver. Texas would be Tupac because their true fans insist they’re still alive and well despite being dead for at least a decade. Who would Big 10 teams be? Don’t know and don’t fucking care. I refuse to acknowledge a “Power 5” conference whose talented teams are more top heavy than the BBW section of Pornhub.
Without further ado…every SEC football team if they were a rapper:
Florida – Snoop Dog
Whether it was the Fun N Gun or Gin N Juice both had a lot of success in the 1990s. Then the 2000s came and both lost their goddamn minds. Florida hired Ron Zook, and Snoop Dogg made up his own language consisting of pig Latin and the letter Z.
Luckily both found success again in the latter part of the decade before pulling a Caitlyn Jenner and changing their entire identities. Florida hired a defensive coordinator as their head coach and became a dumpster fire of a team with an offense that was about as exciting as a hand job on a honeymoon. Meanwhile Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and started doing reggae. What in the literal fuck guys?
Tennessee – Wu Tang Clan
Both have a staying power I cannot explain or understand considering that neither has done anything of relevance in well over a decade. Also, both are linked to jaw-dropping moments of confusion and uncomfortable embarrassment. For Tennessee it was hiring Lane Kiffin and Derek Dooley. As for Wu Tang, who can forget that awkward moment when Ol’ Dirty Bastard drunkenly took a limo to pick up food stamps during an interview with MTV News.
Regardless, white kids all across the South will wear T-shirts supporting both groups with a blind allegiance that makes as much sense as ODB’s political platforms.
Arkansas – Insane Clown Posse
They’re equally terrifying. Arkansas is a state most known for Bill Clinton and incest, and their football team is most known for the ridiculous parade of former head coaches including Lou Holtz, Houston Nutt, and Bobby Petrino. The only frontmen more terrifying than that are the two dudes from ICP. They’re like Guy Fieri doppelgangers with face paint and Fubu jerseys. Neither has any real appeal to normal people, yet each has a rabid fanbase of juggalos and GED holders that I wish would’ve been in a motorcycle crash instead of Bobby Petrino.
Ole Miss – Ice Cube
Both are eager to overexaggerate their legacies. Ice Cube was a key member in one of the most influential rap groups in history (N.W.A. for you white people who haven’t seen Straight Outta Compton yet). And, Ole Miss…Ole Miss…well Ole Miss had two of the Mannings and has a super neat tailgate spot that they praise like an overbearing mother with Honor Roll Student stickers covering her Dodge Caravan.
However, somewhere along the way each lost the street cred they spent so much time bragging about. For Ole Miss it was changing their mascot from the Rebels to the Black Bears, and for Ice Cube it was making those Are We There Yet? movies. It’s ok Craig, today is still a good day because at least you’re not Ole Miss who usually talks a big game and then gets “Knocked the Fuck Out.”
Texas A&M – Nelly
Because white dudes love both. Trust me. I’ve personally seen Nelly in concert three times. What can I say? I’m a sucker for corn rows and manicured toes. What I’m not a sucker for is the ridiculous “traditions” A&M has. You know what my favorite college football traditions are? Literally anything besides sober pep rallies at midnight and having to hug other men next to me in uniform while swaying back and forth BECAUSE THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT THEY DO.
That sounds like something you do at summer camp when you’re 8. Not 18. You should be trying to share your pimp juice with your lab partner from Biology 101 not shaking your tailfeather with a bunch of lunatics dressed up like fake GI Joes. Also, as much as it hurts me to hate on Nelly I know the pain I feel isn’t half of the misery I felt when he collab’d with those dudes from Florida Georgia Line who look like they should be managing a fucking Hollister in Starkville instead of making platinum hits.
LSU – Lil Wayne
Both started their paths to glory in the same way: With the help of others. LSU did it via Nick Saban, and Wayne did it through Cash Money records. Plus, they both did it at nearly the same time. I’m honestly not sure of the exact date, but I think it was somewhere around the ’99 and the 2000.
Anyway, this may be the most appropriate pairing in the entire list. First off, Wayne is from Nola. Secondly, both Lil Wayne and Les Miles are huge fans of putting grass in their mouths. And lastly, both are most entertaining and at their best when freestyling off the cuff. I mean who can forget Les Miles famous “Have a nice day” comment in ’07 or the time he encouraged the media to “give a big kiss on the mouth” to his players after the Ole Miss game in 2012. Lil Wayne is equally as entertaining off the cuff, as he records mostly all of his tracks without prepared lyrics or rhymes and freestyles, including the entire No Ceilings Mixtape. Regardless of what you think of their antics, they are both geniuses in their own right.
Mizzou – Childish Gambino
Mizzou is the most disrespected and underappreciated team in the SEC. They’re constantly an afterthought, yet they’ve somehow won the SEC East the last two years in a row. Gambino isn’t necessarily disrespected. He’s just grossly underestimated by most people because he’s a skinny black nerd. Not only that, he was a former actor on a syndicated sitcom who was like, “Hey I think I’m gonna start rapping as a hobby.”
Despite the lack of street cred these “Freaks and Geeks” have been thriving, which has come as a surprise to everyone but them.
Kentucky – Drake
Settle down because it’s not a compliment. Drake makes sense, but only for your basketball team. Both are at the top of their game, and Drake goes total fangirl every March for Coach Cal and his bball team/McDonald’s All-American Mercinaries. But UK’s football team isn’t “cool Drake” who tops charts, destroys other rappers in battles, or refers to himself as “the light skinned Keith Sweat” (which is the most ballin ass nickname ever btw).
No, their football team is Drake from Degrassi. Because I can’t think of a better way to describe this shitty football team than by comparing it to a handicapped mixed kid from Canada that won’t stop telling you about their potential. Kentucky, don’t take it personally; just know yourself and know your worth. You know what, nevermind; let’s just not even discuss it man. OMG.
South Carolina – 2 Chainz
Both have been really successful in the last half decade. In fact both have probably peaked in the last five years after long bouts with irrelevance. Recently USC had a top 5 ranking as well as 3 straight 11 seasons. Not to be outdone, 2 Chainz made a hit about “Ridin’ Around and Getting It”, and is also the same lyrical genius who once said, “She got a big booty so I call her big booty.” He’s basically the Rain Man of Rap.
But the main reason this works is because with the amount of recent success both have had, it’s easy to forget about their average-at-best pasts. Like the fact that 2 Chainz has been in the game for years under the name Tity Boi. WTF?!?! Or the fact that USC hasn’t won a conference title since 1969…when they were in the ACC, and once hired Lou Holtz to head coach AND irrigate the field during his motivational speeches.
Miss St – DMX
You’re probably thinking this pairing makes sense because State’s mascot is a bulldog and DMX has a bark so terrifying that Mike Vick would be scared of it. However, the reason I chose it is because the only thing more annoying than DMX’s incessant barking is 3.5 hours of rednecks from Starkville ringing cowbells. For the love of God stop it before y’all make me lose my mind. Up in here. Up in here.
Alabama – Kanye
Kanye’s career isn’t as prestigious or illustrious as the Crimson Tide’s longstanding tradition. However, there’s no denying he’s been one of the top rappers in the game since the mid 2000s. Ironically enough that’s about the same time Bama regained relevance when “they got their money right” and hired Nick Saban. Ever since then it’s been nothing but “The Good Life” for both. Is that shit cray or what?
Oh, also they’re easily the two biggest assholes in their respective fields. Both fueled by entitlement and narcissism, they’re about as likable as anyone in that parade of non-talented selfie-taking shitbags the Kardashians call a family. Also, I’m pretty sure both are responsible for the female phenomenon that is Resting Bitch Face because they smile about as often someone in line at the fucking DMV.
Georgia – DJ Khaled
No person or fanbase in the country self-promotes more than these two. That’s why every DJ Khaled song features him yelling “We da Best!” a minimum 138937498327 times. That’s also about how many times I hear UGA fans say, “This is our year. #DawgsOnTop!” every August.
(I honestly almost went with TI. After all, he does call himself “King”, and with the amount of times he’s been to jail it’s almost shocking he was never a defensive back at Georgia.)
However, DJ Khaled is the one. He’s nationally known and recognizable, yet always seems to be in the background while his peers top the charts. Plus, everyone knows the Dawgs would “Win win win no matter what” if it wasn’t for Goddamn Mike Bobo. GODDAMMIT BOBO!
Vandy – Will Smith
Because fuck you. I originally wanted to go with Sisqo because Vandy’s football program has about as much street cred as that rapper/closet gay guy from Y2K with the silver hair. However, Will Smith makes much more sense.
Why? Because both are widely respected in one area while being a complete trainwreck of hilarious misery in the other. Vanderbilt is one of the most respected universities in the country. Yet, their football team gets scored on so much you’d think they have daddy issues. Similarly, Will Smith is one of the best actors over the past 20 years. I mean if you can get Kevin James laid in Hitch, AND save the world with Jeff Goldblum as your wingman then that’s a pretty fucking impressive resume.
However, he is also one of the least respectable rappers in the history of the world. Hard to be respected in the rap game when you use words like “jiggy” and “heck.” Props though for the Fresh Prince Theme song being literally 1 of 2 “rap” songs in the history of the world that white people actually know the all words to. (“Baby Got Back” is obviously the other.)
Auburn – 3 6 Mafia
They both seem to always be in a purgatory of success and fame….in a constant limbo of being insignificant or being a household name. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve definitely had their brief moments. 36 Mafia hit it big with “Sippin on Some Sizzurp” back in the late 90s while Auburn had a handful of Heisman winners and even a self-claimed “People’s National Championship” in 2004. Yet, neither did anything of any real significance. Then, both came out of nowhere and shocked everyone.
Auburn went from afterthought to the top when they won the national championship in 2010 (and almost again in 2013), and 36 Mafia went from making trap music about sizzurp and staying high to winning a Goddamn Oscar with their theme song from Hustle and Flow.
Their ratchet-to-riches story isn’t why it’s so fitting. It’s because of one lyric Juicy J spit a few years ago. Auburn has become a haven for former athletes/criminals who were kicked out of other schools. Literally 2 of their last 3 QBs were expelled from other SEC schools. Their attitude towards troubled players is the same as Juicy J’s attitude is with women. “You say no to ratchet pussy/players. Juicy J/Auburn can’t.”
On that note, here’s to a season of Mo Money, Less Problems, and hopefully hoisting a championship trophy Way Up and Feelin’ #Blessed.