With the exception of the Ohio State vs. Va Tech game tonight in Blacksburg we have successfully made it through the first week of College Football. Now a lot of
legitimate national pundits, websites, and media outlets have already overzealously started making predictions for the Heisman, CFB playoffs, etc. I hate that. Impatient predictions like that are more premature than that OTPHJ scene with Jim and Nadia from American Pie.
So, instead of making foolish predictions I’ve spent my Sunday evening drinking a bottle and a half of some $9 Pinot Noir while coming up with my Top 5 college football mancrushes after the first week of the season. Here are the five people in college football who are most worthy of your infatuation, admiration, and bromancization (Sp?).
Ezekiel Elliot – RB Ohio State 6’0″ 225 Lbs
Not only did Elliot average over 210 ypg in the playoffs last season, but he also did it while rocking a sweet crop top to show off his 390238302984 pack. His playoff performance helped prove the Buckeyes were legit and also proved that you can rock a sweet crop top without a hideous pair of stone washed high waisted jorts. Take notes white girls.
Scooby Wright III – LB Arizona 6’1” 246 Lbs
Welp, first off his name is Scooby, so it’s already hard not to root for him. Secondly, he’s white, and let’s face it that in itself is an uphill battle in athletics. Regardless of his terrible name, genetics, and general under appreciation that he’s faced he’s been a starter since he stepped on campus. And, last year the Wildcat LB ditched the Rudy resemblance and became a force in the Pac 12.
Wright was Pac 12 Defensive Player of the Year while recording 14 sacks, 29 TFL, and 163 tackles. His 163 tackles led the country, and, given the PAC 12 games I’ve watched I can only assume he had more tackles than the entire conference combined.
Sadly he was injured in his first game and is out for the next 4 weeks. He’d probably already have a minimum of 100 tackles if it wasn’t for those pesky meddling
kids knee injuries.
5. Derrick Henry – RB Alabama 6’3 248 Lbs
Pure and simple Henry is a fucking freak of nature. He holds the national high school record for career rushing yards, yet most thought he would be too big to play RB in college. Fast forward to his Junior season, and Henry is not only still playing RB but is one of the most electrifying players in the country. Against Wisconsin, Henry ran the ball 13 times for a career high 147 yards and 3 Touchdowns.
How is someone that big that fast? Easy. He spends his summers flipping truck tires and pushing a Ford F-150 that a booster probably bought for him. Henry would’ve made it higher on the list if it weren’t for his teeth. Can’t crack my Top 3 when you have the body of a Greek God and the teeth of a British homeless person.
4. Oklahoma QB Depth Chart
Despite an obvious lack of production the 1st and 2nd string QB’s at Oklahoma – Trevor Knight and Baker Mayfield – make this list.
Remember last year when Katy Perry went on College Gameday and got all Brent Musberger – Katherine Webb fangirl about Trevor Knight being the hottest player in CFB? That’s why I don’t care that he was only 5-9 with an INT in his 1st game and hasn’t done shit since the Sugar Bowl in 2013. Bottom line is this – if Katy Perry almost slides off her seat when talking about you being her “Teenage Dream” then you’re making my Top 5 MCM’s.
Then there’s Baker Mayfield. Before last week I didn’t know shit about Baker Mayfield as far as football is concerned. What I do know is that 20 year old Chris wants to be best friends with him after watching him absolutely murder the Whip/ Nae Nae dance in a pair of Wayfarers in a video gone viral earlier this summer. Oh, and apparently he can ball because he was 23-33 for 388 and 3 TD’s in his first game last week.
One QB made Katy Perry thirsty AF, and the other is basically Channing Tatum with a rocket for an arm. Cue the
3. Nick Chubb – RB Georgia 5’10” 220 Lbs
Chubb is a monster and has literally carried UGA since last year when taking over for my 2014 #1 mancrush Todd Gurley. Chubb ended last year with 1547 yards, 14 TD’s, and a stupid 7.1 ypc. He also ran for over 100 yards or more in each of his last 8 games including 266 yards in the bowl game win against Louisville. Oh yeah, and he did all that after not starting the first 5 games of the season.
If you’re not impressed yet keep in mind that he did all this against 8 man fronts because his QB Hudson Mason was respected about as much as a substitute teacher in an inner city school.
However, my absolute favorite thing about Nick Chubb is a quote he had this summer about social media. When one of his teammates asked him why he wasn’t on Instagram or Twitter he responded, “You ever see a Lamborghini commercial? Exactly. No need to advertise.” I think I just got a Chub. Oh, and I’ll just leave this pic of his vert right here…
He finished Week 1 with a ho-hum 16 carries for 120 yards and 2 TD’s.
2. Kliff Kingsbury – Head Coach Texas Tech
I don’t give a shit that Kliff is a coach or that he never made it in the NFL or that he has a career record that is 13-13. Have you seen this man without a shirt on? Good God. It’s like God got bored and made a transformer out of Ryan Gosling’s body and Payton Manning’s football IQ. Again,
Is it embarrassing that his team gave up 45 points to Sam Houston St. in week 1? Yes. But Jesus have you seen his abs?! His abs are more shredded than a Hillary Clinton Verizon Bill. Also, the video of him sandwiched before Charlie Weiss in last year’s Big 12 promotional ad is one of the greatest comedic short films since Abbot and Costello.
1. Shawn Oakman – DE Baylor 6’9” 290 Lbs
In perhaps the biggest blue ball of Week 1, we were all deprived of watching Shawn Oakman, as he was suspended for Baylor’s opening game. Also, moment of silence for whomever had to deliver that news to this dude.
Not only is he the
only most notable defensive player in Baylor history. He is also an absolute freak. Picture this as an opposing offensive tackle. It’s 3rd and forever and you look up and see a dude covered in tats with a green Mohawk that’s the same height as Lebron, nearly 300 pounds, and has less than 10% body fat. He’s basically a real life Monstar from Space Jam, but instead of trolling Bugs Bunny he’s terrorizing quarterbacks in the Big 12.
2014 was Oakman’s first year as a starter. He finished the year with 19.5 TFL, 11 sacks, and 5 pairs of fear induced pants pissing of opposing players. His stats aren’t what is impressive. It’s his unparalleled intimidation and freakish physical tools that make him my #1 MCM.
Oakman spent the offseason doing Superhuman type shit i.e. – Pullups with a 120 lb weight belt and 40 inch box jumps with 70 lb dumbbells in each hand. I’d rather block a drunk Chris Christie at a 3am buffet than get in the way of Shawn Oakman.
Guess it’s time to put down the bottle of Sutter Home and do some pushups.