Week 1 Recap
Usually the first week of the season results in nothing more than a 3-day weekend full of lopsided victories from Power 5 teams who paid 6 figures to beat up on an FCS school. However, the first week in 2015 was a rarity. It had upsets, a top 20 matchup, and even a Hail Mary.
So, here is the first installment of your weekly edition of “Recaps and Hugs. Mean Mugs and Shoulder Shrugs.” And, yes that is a pun from a Nelly lyric because I didn’t choose this thug life. It chose me.
1. Me – I went 22-1 SU with my Top 25 picks and 9-3 ATS in the SEC. You’re welcome. My 1 loss was Stanford, which I should’ve known to not pick a team whose mascot is a fucking tree.
2. OSU’s QB – It really doesn’t matter who started or played because they won, and the only remotely good teams they have left on their schedule are Michigan and Michigan St which they play in the last two weeks of the season. Ohio State is basically on island time till the playoffs. Must be nice.
3. Notre Dame – They dominated Texas 38-3 in the “Ask Jeeves: Teams That Used to be Relevant Bowl presented by Von Dutch.”
4. Top 10 Teams Underwhelmed – TCU, Auburn, Michigan State, and Oregon looked anything but dominant. It’s a long season, but none of these teams looked deserving of their preseason rankings.
1. Kansas State’s Band Director – KSU’s band director planned a halftime show themed around Star Trek where the Enterprise space ship was supposed to shoot a Kansas Jayhawk. However, the Enterprise ended up looking like a giant dick that gave a bukaki facial to their rival mascot’s face.
2. BYU – First team to beat Nebraska in a home opener since Reagan was in office. Also, they did it after losing Heisman hopeful QB Taysom Hill. This team was luckier than a Morman dude with multiple hot wives…who are understanding of each woman’s place…and sympathetic towards a (Morman) man’s
selfishness sexual desires…and despite the obvious neglect are still cool with doing the little things like blowjobs and laundry and shit
3. John Chavis – The new Defensive Coordinator for the Aggies earned his pay this weekend as A&M upset #15 Arizona St, and Chavis’ D held the high powered Sun Devil offense to only 17 points while tallying 9 sacks.
1. Mother Nature – There were numerous delays across the Southeast, and LSU even had to cancel their first game since WW2. Hey mother nature how about giving us torrential downpours and a rainout when we are forced to go to some dumb fucking baby reveal party in May? Don’t do it when it’s Christmas morning/first day of football!
2. Whoever decided to suspend Shawn Oakman – You deprived us all. I hope he handled it better than his fans/lustful lynchmob of cross fitters that want to look like him did. DON’T DENY ME MY WEEKLY DOSE OF HONEY BUNCHES AND OAKMAN!
3. Scooby Wright injury – I’m pretty sure he’s the only person in the entire Pac 12 who understands what form tackling is, and he’s already out until October. This is why we can’t have nice things.
1. Bobby Petrino’s Clock Management – Jesus Christ. Petrino showed the same amount of commitment to clock management on Saturday as he did to his marriage vows 3 years ago. If you missed it, Auburn was called for a holding penalty after converting a 3rd and 2 with 52 seconds left leaving them with a difficult 3rd and 12. Louisville could’ve gotten the ball back, but Petrino inexplicably called a timeout EVEN THOUGH THE CLOCK WAS STOPPED. Auburn ran the clock out and won.
2. Oregon’s defense – The Ducks gave up 42 points to an FCS team. Not only that, but they gave it up to a team that their current QB used to play for. That’s sad.
3. Penn State’s Kicker – Penn St lost to Temple this weekend. The last time they did that FDR could still feel his legs. One thing they did win is the award for fattest special teams player in the country, as their kicker – Joey Julius – weighed in at 260 lbs. I’m assuming that weight will sky rocket during the season because the Nittany Lions will have a lot of their fans/ players eating their feelings.
5. UNC’s QB vision- I’m not sure if he’s color blind or just hates winning after the interceptions he threw against South Carolina on Thursday.
Hope you enjoyed Week 1, but just know Week 2 will be even better. After all it’s called #2 because it’s the shit.