For the past 2 years I’ve written a weekly article/blog/drunken diatribe about 2 of my favorite things: Binge drinking and SEC football. This is the first installment for the 2015 season. If you’re unfamiliar with what to expect I’ll explain. Every week I provide predictions, analysis, and (most importantly) the appropriate booze choice for every tailgate/game in the SEC. Oh, and I make it a point to talk shit about every team as much as possible. Enjoy!
Auburn vs. Jacksonville St
Both of these teams spent Week 1 being about as underwhelming as Miley Cyrus hosting the VMAs. All we heard about all offseason was how Auburn would be a legitimate national title contender because of QB Jeremy Johnson and new Defensive Coordinator Will Muschamp. Both of them responded by choking almost as badly as Pierce Brosnan in that dinner scene from Mrs. Doubtfire. Johnson threw 3 picks, and Muschamp’s D gave up over 200 yards rushing, and 400 total yards, to an unranked team. The scary part is that they still won, and they didn’t even have their top 2 running backs.
Score – Auburn 59 Jax St 10
Booze – Southern Tier Pumking. Because in the same way I was disappointed with Auburn after all the preseason hype I am ALWAYS disappointed when some white person named Hayden or Emileigh-Ann-Elizabeth tries to tell me that pumpkin flavored anything tastes good. It doesn’t. Please stop it. White people try to aggressively pedal pumpkin flavored stuff like Asians do with free samples of Sesame Chicken at a mall food court. I get it. It’s fall and pumpkins are relevant and a trendy topic in the same way Muschamp and Malzahn’s “potential” is. But so far I’m not impressed, and wish you’d stop talking about it.
Mizzou (-10.5) @ Arkansas St
After beating Southeast Missouri St in the opener, the Tigers head to Jonesboro, Arkansas to play Arkansas St. Visits with state schools like SEMO and Ark St back to back? Mizzou sounds less like a football team and more like a high school senior with a 2.5 GPA and no extracurriculars.
Score – Mizzou 33 Ark St 17
Booze – A flask full of Cabernet Sauvignon. Why? A lot of reasons. And none of them are good. One, Mizzou coach Gary Pinkel is a connoisseur of sorts when it comes to red wine, and he has the teeth and DUIs to prove it. Two, I want to hear rednecks from Arkansas try to pronounce sauvignon correctly. Three, you’re gonna need this flask because not only do they not sell alcohol at NCAA home games, but also because this game is being played in a dry county. WHAT?! Fuck right off Arkansas St. It’s 2015, AND Mizzou fans are gonna need some sort of booze to get them through the inefficient atrocity that is Maty Mauk running an offense. And three, you should have to drink warm red wine from a flask on a hot September day as some form of punishment for agreeing to play a road game against Ark St. Mizzou it’s shit like that makes no one in the SEC take you seriously. It’s like we invited you to the party with the cool kids in school, and you fucking showed up in a Kangol and doing magic tricks to try and make friends. Get it together guys!
Fresno St @ Ole Miss (-30)
Cali Swag meets Southern Proper in a showdown that will have more pretentious white people in the crowd than a live taping of Ellen. Ole Miss QB/Jim Kelly’s douchebag nephew should have a big day with WR Laquon Treadwell against a very young Fresno St secondary. Ole Miss looked good last week in their 76-3 win over UT-Martin. 76 points though? Really? You would think at some point they would’ve shown a little sportsmanship and eased off. But not in Oxford, Mississippi! “No suh, down hehuh in the haht of the great state of Mississippi wheyuh the championship bannuhs hang from the raftuhs like the Spanish moss that dangles from the mighty oaks of the Grove. We take no prisonuhs, and our only motto is #TrophiesAndCroakies ! (Also, can we please get that hashtag trending?)
Score – Ole Miss 51 Fresno St 13
Booze – Vodka Soda. Specifically Vodka and LaCroix. Why? Because white people love that shit almost as much as The Cupid Shuffle and/or privilege. Lacroix is a staple in the diet of caucasians everywhere. It ranks somewhere ahead of overpriced couture cupcakes and behind fro-yo. This tasteless wonder flies off the shelves of Whole Foods like gluten free hotcakes. It’s the perfect drink for this Saturday. Not only is it cool and refreshing, but it also has zero calories which will come in handy later in the season when your Vineyard Vines button down and Chubbies shorts start fitting tighter than the lid on a pickle jar from all the tailgating this Fall.
Ball State @ Texas A&M (-28.5)
Fresh off their 48-36 defeat of Virginia Military Institute – Ball St heads to College Station to take on their second opponent of the season with an overzealous ROTC program. A&M looked great last weekend against Arizona St. The offense was efficient, and John Chavis’ D recorded 9 sacks which allowed me to annoy my friends watching the game with bad jokes like – Hey, you should call Myles Garrett 5th Avenue because of all the sacks. Shortly after that side splitter I explained that it was a reference to the store Saks Fifth Avenue and we all sat in silence avoiding eye contact like it was a Johnny Manziel intervention. Also, over/under on how many minutes it takes some asshole from College Station to make a ‘balls deep’ reference about Ball St?
Score – Saks Fifth Avenue 44 Ball/ Belk St 10 (Get it?! LOLOLOL)
Booze – Yuengling. It’s often overlooked and kinda flies under the radar despite being very good for a very long time (Yuengling is the oldest brewery in America). Similarly the Aggies were overlooked by most people in the preseason thanks to a loaded SEC West division and ta lackluster finish to the regular season in 2014. But, that’s fine with them. Y’all go enjoy more popular beers or trendier teams. They’ll just be here with their stable of offensive weapons with 4.4 speed while crushing these 4.4 percent Amber lagers until it’s time for conference play.
Alabama (-35) vs. Middle Tennessee State
Bama looked awfully good in their week 1 win over Wisconsin. Derrick Henry was a monster, the D held the Badgers to only 40 yards rushing, and Jake Coker looked solid in his first start. In other news, Bama’s kicker missed 2 FG’s. On the bright side neither of the misses were inexplicably returned 109 yards for a touchdown with no time remaining causing me to double-chin ugly cry like Toby McGuire in Spider Man.
Bama has Ole Miss next week and will be very vanilla on both sides of the ball. I expect them to cover the spread as much as Britney Spears mini skirt did getting out of that Lambo in 2003.
Score – Bama 41 MTSU 10
Booze – Michelob Ultra. Why? Because Bama needs something watered down in order to pace themselves before their revenge game next week against Ole Miss. Also, it’s because MTSU’s mascot is a fucking blue horse named “Lightning.” Literally, the only thing I take less seriously than dude’s drinking low calorie diet beer are magical horses with weather themes.
Toledo @ Arkansas (-21.5)
You can throw out the record books when the Razorbacks and Rockets play each other. Not really, but kinda since Toledo technically hasn’t played a game yet after their first game was cancelled because of severe weather. Arkansas looked good in their home opener, and their QB even threw for over 300 yards. Doing that in a Bret Beliema offense happens about as often as Beliema turns down getting seconds at the Golden Corral dessert buffet. I’m picking Toledo to cover the spread because they have 15 returning starters, and play in my favorite conference – the MAC. You laugh, but I don’t see any other conferences playing on Tuesday nights to help get me through a long week before it’s finally Saturday again.
Score – Arkansas 38 Toledo 17
Booze – Manmosa. Specifically with Pilsner Urquell and fresh squeezed OJ. Why? Because if you went to the bar with your drinking buddies and ordered something like this it would raise some eyebrows. “Did you say Pilsner Urquell? What the fuck is that? I got us 4 Boilermakers. Imported beer and fresh squeezed orange juice? You’re from Little Rock. You wore a Big Johnson shirt to my wedding. Who are you?” Similarly, Arkansas raised some eyebrows last Saturday after apparently spending summer vacation learning the forward pass. This is a bit extreme of course, but what in the literal fuck is going on with Bret Beliema that a QB of his threw for over 300 yards?! It doesn’t happen. I don’t even know who you are anymore Bret. Stop changing. First it’s imported pilsners out of chalices and next you’re on the cover of Vanity Fair with a new weave and calling yourself Caitlyn.
East Carolina @ Florida (-20)
It kind of felt like old times in Gainesville last Saturday, as the Gators offense was firing on all cylinders under new HC Jim McElwain. The Gators scored 61 points, put up 600 yards of offense, and had more passing yards in the first half than they did in 9 full games last season. Also, no offensive lineman accidentally blocked each other, and Jeff Driskel didn’t play/ make any fans want to punch a small child. I don’t know much about East Carolina. But after google searching their head coach I found this picture, so (literally) don’t sleep on the ECU Pirates…
Score – Florida 38 ECU 14
Booze – Rum and Diet. Specifically Castillo Silver Rum and Diet Coke. It makes sense because pirates are known for loving two things: rum and over accessorizing their outfits. I mean Jesus Blackbeard, how many bracelets, earrings, and scarves do you need? Pirates were supposed to be some of the most ruthless and feared people back in the day, but it’s hard to intimidate people when you look like you pillaged a Claire’s or Forever 21.
It’s also essential to get Diet Coke as the mixer since ECU head coach Ruffin McNeill got lap band surgery a few years ago. Thank God for that because there’s nothing worse than a fupa in pleated Dockers roaming the sidelines. Lastly, make sure you use Castillo for the rum because it’s a bottom shelf rum, and I’m not sure if the Gators are Bacardi-worthy just yet.
Kentucky @ South Carolina (-7)
Kentucky escaped from Louisiana Lafayette, and South Carolina won because UNC’s QB was apparently colorblind or hated winning as much as UNC student-athletes hate having to earn an actual degree. No offense Tyler Hansborough.
I’m only watching this game for two reasons. One, to see if Kentucky’s 400 lb DT Matt Elam gets hangry and sacks Connor Mitch 238 times. And two, to see if Pharaoh Cooper scores, so I can make a “King Tuts-down” pun. Also, it will be interesting to see if more Kentucky fans show up to this game than they did at the Kim Davis Ignorance-Palooza rally earlier in the week.
Score – South Carolina 28 Kentucky 24
Booze – Miller Lite. Through a straw. Why? Because both teams deserved to be publicly embarrassed by drinking beer with a straw after how shitty they looked in Week 1. Then there’s Miller Lite which despite being nationally recognizable is probably only the 3rd or 4th best light domestic beer on the market. Congrats Miller Lite. You’re the bronze medalist of lower calorie piss water. No one ever says, “Man I could really go for an ice cold Miller Lite.” The only people that like Miller Lite are people from Wisconsin or that don’t have tastebuds. It literally tastes like 12 ounces of wet cardboard and regret. Regardless, being the 3rd best light domestic beer in America is almost as irrelevant as being the bronze medalist in the SEC East. I mean Christ guys one of the teams ahead of you is led by an eyebrowless Science nerd that spends his summers at Space Camp instead of 7-on-7’s. Sorry Josh Dobbs. I’m projecting.
UGA (-20.5) @ Vandy
Georgia is still my pick to win the SEC this year. They have the best RB in the country, one of the best defenses in the country, and a QB – Grayson Lambert – with one of the whitest names in the country. With a name like that he’s literally a future city councilman trapped in a quarterback’s body.
As for Vanderbilt, they lost their first game to a directional school from Kentucky called “The Hilltoppers.” You lost to a team whose mascot is a geographic location. It’s only Week 2 Vandy, and I already respect you less than Jackie Chan respects black people’s radios. (Solid Rush Hour reference btw)
Score – UGA 38 Vandy 7
Booze – Light beer in a can. Specifically to be enjoyed at a strip club in Nashville. Why? Because even though by law you can’t be within in 3 feet of the strippers in TN it’s still more entertaining than having to watch Vanderbilt try to play football. And, both will still give you a (Nick) Chubb. Also, the strip clubs are BYOB which is just beautifully convenient as well as fiscally responsible, as I wouldn’t expect you to pay for overpriced beer while watching Vandy OR fake tits from afar. You probably don’t believe me about the BYOB thing, but trust me on this because I’ve been kicked out of the Deja Vu in Smashville before when I refused to pay for a “private” dance because the stripper was holding conversation with literally everyone that walked by like she was goddamn Wal-Mart greeter. Sorry I’m not sorry Chastity.
LSU @ Mississippi State (+4.5)
I have absolutely no clue what to expect from this game. Last year Miss St. shocked LSU by putting up 570 yards of offense on the Tigers and beating them for the first time in 15 years. Granted it’s a new year, but we have no idea how good LSU is because their first game was rained out a week ago. Regardless, LSU is still the favorite despite playing on the road and announcing that their starting QB will be Brandon Harris. Harris?! Did you see him in 2014?! Watching Harris try to hit open receivers is like watching Helen Keller hit a piñata at a birthday party. Oh, and they’re facing the best QB in the SEC in Dak Prescott who put up over 300 yards of offense last year against the Bayou Bengals. But, fuck it they have Les Miles who is dominant in September.
Score – LSU 28 Miss St 27
Booze – Makers Mark and Grape Soda. Why? Because both are good on their own, but I have no fucking idea how they’ll be when mixed together. Plus, LSU fans will drink anything, and they’ve been anxiously awaiting their first gameday drunk after they were blue-balled last week by Mother Nature. (Side note: would love to know how many drunk cajun assholes were just openly pissing themselves in the rain at Tiger Stadium knowing that nobody would notice). Makers is perfect because it’s established for one. And two, figuring out this 2015 LSU team and getting the top off a Makers Mark bottle are equally frustrating. Hey can we just get a simple twist off? I don’t need a half-inch layer of candle wax standing in the way of me drinking until I can’t feel feelings. As for the grape soda…if there’s anything I know about Dak people it’s that Dak people love grape soda. Btw if you understood that joke without having to re-read it then you’re racist.
Oklahoma @ Tennessee (+2)
I don’t know what to expect from this game. I really want to believe in Butch Jones and the bandwagon of delusion he’s built in Knoxville. I especially want to pull for him this weekend because I hate Bob Stoops more than Bob Stoops hates morals and appropriate punishment for domestic violence. The Vols are a trendy pick here because they’re on the cusp of being back in the upper echelon of the SEC and are loaded with more young talent than a Jared Fogle pool party. But, I can’t buy in to the “brick-by-brick” bullshit yet since they gave up 30 points and over 550 yards of offense to Bowling Green last week.
Score – Oklahoma 34 Tennessee 30
Booze – 1800 Tequila. Why? Because just like this tequila’s TV commercials both of these teams take themselves WAY too seriously. Hey 1800, it’s just tequila. If I want to buy it I’ll buy it. I don’t need Ray Liotta whispering insults of emasculation into my ear at some dim lit dance club. How bout I promise to buy your overpriced tequila if you promise to stop challenging my manhood like some overbearing military stepdad from the 1960’s.
I hope your Saturday is filled with touchdowns, tallboys, and absolutely no time spent running errands at a Home Depot or Bed Bath & Beyond. Cheers!