SEC Week 3 Preview
Last week I went 9-1 in my picks straight up and 7-3 against the spread. That brings me to 21-1 SU and 16-6 ATS on the year. You’d think a record like that would give me a lot of confidence going into Week 3. However, I have no idea what to expect from the games this week because I spent all of last Saturday being blackout drunk for a friend’s 30th birthday, and I missed most of the late games because I was too busy eating Easy Mac with a spork on my bathroom floor. Happy 30th Rich! Now, onto Week 3!
Austin Peay @ Vanderbilt (No Line)
Jesus Christ. This matchup of winless teams is my least favorite thing of the week. Why? Well for one, I was done with this article until Ted texted me at 4 am telling me I forgot to write about this game. Then, upon researching it I found out that the two mascots are The Governors and The Commodores. Really?! The Governors and The Commodores? That’s literally the whitest shit ever. This game should be played at a Vineyard Vines Outlet store in uniforms made of pleated pants and all white New Balances with a halftime show of Michael Bolton singing John Mayer songs.
Score – Upper Middle Class 31 Middle Upper Class 7
Booze – Pinot Grigio. Because this game isn’t worth liquor or beer, but white people still have to get a good buzz before they leave this game at halftime and return to a gated community and their kids they left at home with a babysitter/ nanny/ illegal immigrant they hired because tax brackets and parenting are hard.
Western Carolina @ Tennessee (No Line)
Tennessee looks to rebound after one of the worst losses in their program’s history a week ago. The Vols were up 14 in the 4th quarter on Oklahoma and just Clemson’d the shit out of it and found a way to lose. I’ve seen deep throats with less choking. Ok that was too much. Sorry. Regardless, UT will rebound this week with a big win over WCU, and despite the loss last week the Vols still look good enough to possibly win the East and get to Atlanta.
Score – Tennessee 63 WCU 14
Booze – Rubbing Alcohol and Water. Water is what you give to someone after they choke, and rubbing alcohol is the ONLY alcohol Tennessee needs after the wound Bob Stoops and the Sooners left a week ago. You’re not supposed to drink it, but honestly fuck it. Might as well pour it up because if your stomach is strong enough to handle what the Vols did last week it can probably handle a Peroxide on the rocks.
Northwestern St @ Mississippi St (No Line)
I’ve been writing this article for three years now and have been watching college football for nearly 25 years. So, it really says something that I had to google Northwestern State because I’ve never heard of it. It sounds like one of those shitty 2 year “colleges” that’s somehow accredited despite being in a strip mall sandwiched between an H&R Block and a Ross Dress for Less. Regardless, it is a real school/ acronym with a real football team. Well, I use the word “real” loosely because they are currently last in their conference behind teams like Houston Baptist and Incarnate Word. This conference sounds like a shitty division in a local Upward Basketball organization.
Score – Mississippi State 51 Northwestern State School of Cosmetology 7
Booze – Mudslide. This frozen treat is perfect because it’s one of the “Signature Cocktails” at the Chili’s that’s inevitably in the same strip mall that Northwestern State’s campus is in, AND it kind of tastes like ice cream which is perfect for Mississippi State fans who want to get drunk but also eat their feelings in a corner wondering what happened to their team that was ranked #1 in the country last year and is now the worst in their division. Also, that sentence is longer than any win streak either of these teams will have this year.
Nevada @ Texas A&M (-34)
Guaranteed 98% of the people reading this article will never read this, and with good reason. There are a lot of good games in the SEC this week, and this is not one of them. So, here are a few facts for you. A&M is really good. Nevada isn’t. A&M put up 56 points last week. Nevada ranks 99th nationally in total offense. I once won an award in 3rd grade for having the best cursive handwriting in the state of Georgia. All of those things are true. They’re just not important, and neither is this game.
Score – Texas A&M 49 Nevada 10
Booze – Miller Genuine Draft. MGD. Because Nevada’s campus is in Reno. Reno is known as “The biggest little city in the world”, but it’s really just a place where poor people go who can’t afford Las Vegas. “Well, I really want to gamble and find cheap hookers, but I also don’t want to have to wear a shirt in public. Guess we’ll just go to Reno.” Those are the same kind of degenerates who drink this beer. “Man, I really want to get drunk tonight, but all I have in my pocket is $5, a shark tooth necklace, and an empty bag of meth. Guess it’s gonna be an MGD night.”
UConn @ Missouri (-21.5)
God this would’ve been a good basketball game like 5 years ago. After their come from behind victory last week at Army UConn is 2-0, and has already equaled their win total of last year. That sentence is about as sad as white people were when that lion died a few months back because he didn’t floss enough.
Score – Mizzou 27 UConn 10
Booze – Six Pack of Steel Reserve. Because just like this game it will be difficult to get through. I originally went with Bud Ice because it’s an Anheuser Busch product. Plus, Steel Reserve is a Miller product which Missourians tend to hate more than pronouncing the correct vowel at the end of the name of their state. It’s pronounced Missour-ee not Missouri-uh. Goddammit. Anyway, Steel Reserve is a must because the alcohol content is 8.1%. It may taste like dumpster juice in a can, but at least you only needed six of them to get you through this shit game.
Texas Tech vs. Arkansas (-12)
Texas Tech heads to Fayetteville to take on an Arkansas team that has proven to be more overrated than a “7″ wearing a pushup bra. Last week the Razorbacks lost at home to Toledo. That’s right, Toledo. Arkansas lost to a team whose only previous bragging right was not being Cleveland. This game will be a lot of fun to watch, as it features two high powered offenses that are both averaging over 500 ypg. Sadly it also features a Texas Tech defense that is giving up 525 ypg. Yikes. My prediction is that Arkansas covers, and halfway through the 3rd quarter I’ll be googling pictures of Kliff Kingsbury with his shirt off.
Score – Arkansas 38 Texas Tech 30
Booze – Vodka Soda. Specifically Pinnacle Whipped Vodka. Because you don’t get a body like Kingsbury by drinking bottles of beer/ empty calories. You drink vodka sodas like the strong independent betch that you are. Also, I chose the whipped cream flavor specifically for Bret Beliema because after last week’s loss to Toledo he probably went home and pounded aerosol cans of Reddi Whip like a scene out of Bridget Jones’ Diary.
Florida @ Kentucky (+3.5)
Kentucky hasn’t beaten Florida since I was still breast feeding. The last time the Cats won against Florida Reagan was in the White House and Bruce Jenner wasn’t wearing halter tops. A lot of people are picking Florida to lose this weekend after the Gators narrow victory against East Carolina and Kentucky’s upset win at South Carolina a week ago. And, don’t forget that Kentucky almost beat the Gators in the swamp last year. However, the streak will continue in Lexington for one reason: Defense. Kentucky won’t be able to run on Florida’s like they did on Carolina’s, and they won’t be able to stop the Gators since they’re giving up 450 ypg themselves.
Score – Florida 33 Kentucky 31
Booze – Hot Toddy. Specifically with Kentucky Gentleman and Chamomile. The bourbon is perfect because it’s cheap and shitty just like most things in this state. The bourbon is for Kentucky, but the hot tea is for Florida and Jim McElwain. Coach Mac needs something to soothe his throat and calm him down after his epic meltdown last week on the sidelines following Kelvin Taylor’s unsportsmanlike penalty. He looked like how I feel when someone comes to my bar and asks me to make a mojito in the middle of a Saturday night rush. A mojito?! In the words of McElwain, “THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT! AND YOU THINK IT’S FUCKING OK?!” Ugh. Someone pass me my chamomile I can feel my blood pressure rising.
Auburn @ LSU (-6.5)
Auburn was a preseason pick by many to go to the CFB Playoff. The “Gus-Champ” era was supposed to be a dynasty of offensive and defensive dominance led by Heisman Hopeful Jeremy Johnson. But so far the 2015 Auburn football team has had more disappointment and empty promises than a GOP Debate. The defense has been average, the offense has been below average, and Johnson has averaged an interception every 9.4 pass attempts. Gross. LSU, I’d like to go further into breaking down your team’s strengths, weaknesses, keys to victory, etc. But, I don’t know any of that because by the time your game kicked off I was so drunk that I took an uber to a MacDonald’s and tried to eat a Big Mac in the ball pit.
Score – Auburn 34 LSU 30
Booze – Budweiser Platinum. Remember how much hype there was for Budweiser Platinum? It was supposed to be the next big thing when it debuted. It had a higher alcohol content than Bud Light, less calories than a Bud Heavy, and that same watered down light beer flavor that alcoholics on a budget love. However, touting this beer as the next big thing turned out to be less accurate than Forrest Whitaker during an eye exam. It’s ok though. At least the bottle is still shiny and bright. Plus, LSU fans will drink anything.
South Carolina @ Georgia (-16.5)
This game is more confusing than the plot from The Departed. I’m pretty sure UGA has been favored to win this game every year since ever. However, they always seem to blow it. Like last year when they lost 38-35 because the refs didn’t know how to correctly measure on 4th down, and Mike Bobo apparently forgot that he had Todd Gurley and Nick Chubb as running backs. Carolina always seems to have Georgia’s number. More specifically Steve Spurrier always has their number.
This game has upset written all over it. I mean UGA is one dimensional on offense. For Christ’s sakes, QB Greyson Lambert didn’t complete a pass until the 3rd quarter last week…against Vanderbilt. However, USC’s defense is giving up over 200 rush ypg. And, that is against teams like Kentucky and UNC who don’t have Nick Chubb.
This is an absurd spread to cover in a rivalry game like this. But, I’ll take UGA/ Nick Chubb against a backup quarterback and a defense that has more holes in it than a pair of Kurt Cobain’s jeans.
Score – UGA 34 USC 16
Booze – Patron. Neat with a salted rim. How many times have you seen this happen? It’s Saturday night around 1 am. You’ve had a great night out with your bros, just crushing Bud Lights and Vodka Sodas, giving fist bumps to each other and saying shit like “there’s a lot of talent in this Taco Mac.” Then, one of your asshole idiot friends decides to get a round of tequila shots. Next thing you know you’re in the bathroom throwing up in a sink next to the homeless person/ bathroom attendant trying to pedal sticks of gum and hard candy mints to you. Nothing ruins a night like shots of tequila. And, he worst part is that you never see it coming. Similarly, nothing ruins a Georgia season quite like Steve Spurrier, and the Dawgs somehow never see it coming.
Ole Miss @ Alabama (-6.5)
I was pretty confident about this game earlier in the week. Then I made the mistake of texting my father to casually get his thoughts, and he replied with “we’re gonna get blown TFO.” Applause break for the fact that my dad knew what TFO meant. Now, normally I don’t take too much stock into my Dad’s thoughts. I mean after all he’s the same guy that took me to a Creed concert while wearing a black leather jacket and Doc Martins. True Story. But, when it comes to football he’s kind of an idiot savant. Like Rain Man. If Rain Man liked leather jackets.
Naturally, I’ve taken this information and let it effect me all week. Why? Because all of his points about this game are valid. He thinks Bama won’t be able to block the Ole Miss D Line, they won’t be able to cover Laquan Treadwell, Jarrett Coker isn’t mentally tough enough to win a big game, and the Bama kicker is 0 for 2015.
All of that is true. However, it will be a cold day in hell before I let logic and reason influence my predictions. That being said. I get that Ole Miss’ has a legit defense, and that their offense has scored over 70 points in their first two games. But, there’s a big difference between playing in front of 60,000 Kappa Sigs wearing Croakies and Bowties than playing in front of 100,000 people at night against Nick Saban, Kirby Smart, Lane Kiffin, and Derrick Henry.
Score – Alabama 28 Ole Miss 27
Booze – Bulleit Bourbon. Because it’s exactly what I’ll be drinking for this game. I haven’t been bourbon drunk for a Bama game yet this season because I’ve intentionally saved it for this game. There’s just something so beautiful about watching SEC football on a fall Saturday while sipping a bourbon on the rocks. That’s exactly what I’ll be doing when Ole Miss and Bama kickoff this Saturday night around 9:15. However, that scene will quickly turn into me power drinking from the bottle in the 4th quarter while trying to call INS to have Bama’s Polish kicker, Adam Griffith, deported if he misses another chip shot field goal. Also, Bulleit is perfect because if the Tide lose for a second consecutive year to the Rebels Harvey Updyke will most likely put a bullet in his mouth.