Alright y’all. We’re gonna try something new this week. Since Chris did his SEC picks we thought that two articles of his picks would be more redundant than Donald Trump’s bigotry.
Northern Illinois Vs #1 Ohio State
Ohio State wins. I had my second strip club experience last week. What did I learn? That the only thing easier than Ohio States schedule is drunkenly falling in love with a stripper. Miss you, Crystal!
#15 Ole Miss Vs. #2 Alabama
Alabama wins. Alabama does not lose at home. Science y’all. Bama’s defense will be tested this week for the first time this season. I really want to be in the locker room during half time when Saban delivers the greatest motivational speech in all of film history: “All right, now, I don’t want them to gain another yard! You blitz… all… night! You make sure they remember, forever, the night they played the Titans!” I just got an erection thinking about that scene.
SMU Vs. #3 TCU
TCU. I’ll start to respect TCU once they play a conference championship game. Until then, you are as annoying as me stubbing my toe on my coffee table.
Air Force Vs. #4 Michigan State
Michigan State. It should be illegal to beat a team made up of our service men. Thanks for keeping us safe, “Aim high. Fly-Fight-Win.”
Stanford Vs. #6 USC
USC. Stanford scores less my points than I did on the GRE.
USC Game Cocks Vs. #7 UGA
UGA. (Sorry Eric). I’m going to have to wait at least one more week to watch Georgia lose. South Carolina’s run defense is so bad that UGA fans won’t have to worry about Lambert not completing a pass. Chubb runs more in this game than Forrest Gump did before he decided the he was “pretty tired,” and that it was time to go home. 15, 248 miles to be exact. Thank you people with too much time on your hands and access to the internet
#14 Georgia Tech Vs. # 8 Notre Dame
Georgia Tech. Notre Dame, in one week, loses their starting quarterback, starting tight end, and their top ten ranking. I’m so happy that I am not even going to mention The Varsity.
#9 FSU Vs. BCU
FSU. It’s a bad weekend for the Catholics. The last time I saw this many disappointed Catholics it was when Sister Mary Clarence had that unsupervised field trip in Sister Act 2.
#19 BYU Vs #10 UCLA
UCLA. Rosen continues to crush it harder than I am crushing on him. Do the BYU players have to wear that special Mormon underwear under their Uniforms?
#11 Clemson Vs. Louisville
Clemson. I’m still waiting for an epic, post-game, freak –out from Dabo. Give me what I want, Dabo!!!
Georgia State Vs #12 Oregon
Oregon. The Ducks have had a week to read “Chicken soup for the ‘I can’t believe we lost to Michigan St soul.” Their broken wings and spirits are healed, and now it is time for them to fly together to a 14-1 season.
#18 Auburn Vs #13 LSU
LSU. Last week Chris told me he would pay my utilities if I stopped cheering for “that cow college.” What he doesn’t know is that in a drunken state, several weeks ago, I turned my AC down to 62 degrees, and never changed turned it back to the normal 75 degrees. So, I’m going to need $294.68 by the 18th. (Chris picked Auburn)
Tulsa Vs. #16 Oklahoma
Oklahoma. I can’t cheer for a team nicknamed the “Golden Hurricane.” Sounds like an aggressive sex position from R. Kelly.
Nevada Vs. #17 Texas A&M
Texas A&M. Looks like A&M is one of those teams that plays better when no one expects them to play well or whatever bullshit underdog teams give for coming out strong. I am willing to bet a dollar that in the locker room there is a poster of a cat, doing something stupid, and it says “just hang in there,” and every player slaps it on the way out to the field.
Northern Arizona Vs. #20 Arizona
#21 Utah Vs. Fresno State
UCONN Vs. # 22 Missouri
Missouri. Fuck UCONN. I dated a girl that owned a husky and there was always so much fucking dog hair everywhere. Jesus Christ! I’m over them.
#23 Northwestern Vs. Duke
Northwestern. (Chris picked Duke)
Troy Vs. #24 Wisconsin
Wisconsin. The only thing I know about Troy is that it was Brad Pitt’s worst movie of all time.
UTSA Vs. #25 Oklahoma State
Oklahoma State. I really hope UTSA is raking in the cash, this football season, because this schedule is cruel.