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SEC Preview: Week 4

Well, just like the McRib and the first season of True Detective, I guess all good things must come to an end. Alabama’s 17 game home winning streak and my ridiculous record of 21-1 SU and 16-6 ATS came to a screeching halt thanks to Week 3. Ugh. I went 7-3 straight up and 4-3 against the spread bringing my season total to 28-4 and 20-9 respectively. Honestly, last week was more forgettable than Ronald Reagan’s lunch. Anyway, onto Week 4…

Louisiana Monroe @ Alabama (-38)

Alabama proved last week why they are the least likable fanbase in the nation. After losing to Ole Miss Alabama fans went full on batshit irrational a la Sharon Stone in Casino. Some callers on the Paul Finebaum show went so far as to say that Nick Saban should be fired. a39 As an Alabama fan myself it was admittedly hard to watch how shitty they looked against Ole Miss. Five turnovers, bad play calling, poor execution, etc. However, fans saying that Saban should be fired are dumber than Chad Kelly’s decision making on that 3rd down miracle tip drill turned touchdown. Get the fuck over yourselves Bama fans. There are other good teams in this conference. You think firing Saban is the answer? Would that make you happy? Do you really want to go back to being a 7-6 team whose biggest accomplishment is a birth in the Independence Bowl? Exactly. You’re just upset because Bama is the only thing you have to look forward to because you hate your life, your construction job, and having to come home to shitty dinners made by your hedgehog of a wife with the hump on her back. Jesus. Be thankful. At least you’re not an Auburn fan. 2627453dd1eacc21-620x372 Score – Alabama 41 La Monroe 10

Booze – Mama’s Little Yella Pils and 25 mg of Adderal. Because last week was a tough pill to swallow. Now, I’m not saying the dynasty is over by any means. Bama lost to Ole Miss last year and then ran the table and got into the College Football Playoff. However, it was still tough to digest what happened last week. Plus, this beer is made by Oskar Blues Brewery, and honestly there’s no better way to describe Bama fans right now than as an blue irrationally depressed grouch that probably called in sick on Monday because he was still squatting in a fort/ trash can of self pity like Oscar the Grouch. That’s where the Adderal comes in. Not only  will it initially be a mood enhancer/ happy pill, but it will also help you focus on important things – like the fact that you have no identity on offense, you’re ranked last in the conference in pass defense, and you’re headed to Athens next week where the wheels may finally come off. mamas-little-yella-pils Central Florida @ South Carolina (-15)

You know how when dogs are getting old they’re put down so they don’t have to live in pain anymore? Or when Eskimos get old their kids don’t put them in a home and instead just put them on an iceberg and float them out to sea like ungrateful assholes? Someone needs to do one of those two things to Steve Spurrier. The Ol Ball Coach is a legend, and watching his slow demise is almost as painful to watch as it was when we had to put down our family dog, Marshmallow, earlier this year. Also, Marshmallow was probably a better tackler than 90% of the Gamecocks D. Miss you Marsh! 396811_144126962363914_859135199_n Score – USC 30 UCF 13

Booze – Coors Original. Specifically 84 of them, and specifically at the outdoor bar at Liberty on the Lake on Lake Murray. 84 seems like a bit much, but fuck it, because part of you would rather experience alcohol poisoning than what you experienced last week in Athens. Drink 84 Banquet Beers to celebrate every win Spurrier has had at South Carolina. Then, once you’re done grab Spurrier, head to the dock behind the restaurant, put his drunk ass on a raft, and ship him off to sea so he can die in dignity instead of in the excruciating pain that is watching South Carolina football. 0629b56eed397f0cc03d55bd8afd465e_spurrierdaytonacoors_medium Texas A&M (-6.5) vs. Arkansas

This game might as well be between the Montreal Canadiens and the North Korean Lacrosse team because I have no fucking clue on how to break it down. Here’s one thing I do know – A&M leads the SEC in sacks, and Arkansas is the only SEC school that hasn’t allowed a sack this season. I still don’t know exactly what this game has in store for us, or who to pick, because I’m honestly more confused and indecisive than a woman when she’s asked where she wants to eat. cant-decide-6-1 All I know is that A&M has been pretty impressive so far this season, and that Arkansas is the most overrated team in the country. FACT: They beat LSU and Texas at the end of last season. FACT: beating those two shitty teams somehow made people forget that Arkansas lost roughly a million consecutive SEC games…

Score – Texas A&M 33 Arkansas 23

Booze – Tanqueray and Tetanus. I know I know. Normally this gin is mixed with tonic. However, tetanus is much more appropriate because it has been found to cause Lockjaw. And, I think a majority of the country would appreciate it if Bret Beliema had some sort of debilitating issue that didn’t allow him to speak for the next few weeks. Every time he runs his mouth something bad happens. A few weeks ago he called out Ohio St and their week schedule and then lost to Toledo. Last week he lost to Texas Tech, and after my #MCM Kliff Kingsbury called him out about getting his ass kicked, Beliema responded with a jab about Kingsbury’s .500 record as a coach. Pump the fucking brakes Bret. Let’s not forget that you’re 11-17 at Arkansas, and the only impressive part of your resume was the time you spent at Wisconsin when your toughest opponents were: Ohio State, Frostbite, and being Lactose Intolerant. BW-vnIQCMAAP1o7_crop_north Mizzou @ Kentucky (-3)

This is without a doubt the toughest pick of the week. I just assumed that a ranked team playing at Kentucky would be favored. Nope. Two time defending SEC East Champion Mizzou is an underdog against the Wildcats. What?! Actually, that kinda makes sense considering how shitty they looked last week in their 9-6 win vs. UConn. For a majority of that game shit show the score was 6-2…and Missouri was losing. 6-2?! My gut is 100% telling me to pick Kentucky. However, Mizzou has won 11 straight road games, AND they’re getting RB Russell Hansbrough back. I don’t like this team, and I don’t like this pick. However, Kentucky hasn’t shown they know how to win anything outside of a wing eating competition from their heart-attack-waiting-to-happen NT Matt Elam. ukfbmediaday11 Score – Mizzou 17 Kentucky 16 

Booze – Warm Busch Light. This is perfect for a number of reasons. One, Busch is an Anheuser product, and two, it’s the cheapest fun you can have under the Anheuser/ SEC Umbrella of relevance. It’s a shit beer. And, this is a shit game. But, at least it’s made by a reputable source – Anheuser & the SEC. Seeing this game as a “divisional rivalry” gave me the same reaction as when I heard Robin Thicke “Blurred Lines” on the radio the other day – “Oh, I forgot that was still a thing.” Oh well, you have to at least pretend to like both because one is in the premiere football conference in the country and the other is the son of the dad from Growing Pains. growing-pains-robin-thicke-doodle__oPt LSU (-24) @ Syracuse

LSU dismantled Auburn last week, and at one point I almost called Child Protective Services because of the absolute abuse that Leonard Fournette gave to their defense. His performance was one of the scariest things I’ve seen that wasn’t in a Saw movie. He looked like Bo Jackson, Herschel Walker, Mike Tyson, and Ike Turner all rolled into one transformer of athleticism with no regard for human life. This week the Tigers head to Syracuse. LSU has no reason to worry about this game. That’s probably why their biggest concern of the week has been the potential of literally drinking Syracuse dry. That’s not a joke. That’s a real thing. LSU wins big, and afterwards The Orangemen look as bruised and beaten as every liver from the Bayou. If you think I’m exaggerating about LSU’s drinking skills just know that the woman in this pic below is a Senator in Louisiana. landrieukeg Score – LSU 34 Syracuse 7

Booze – Hypnotiq and Hennessy. Hyp n’ Hen. AKA The Incredible Hulk. Because Leonard Fournette is an absolute fucking monster. And, after Auburn DB Jonathan Evans ran his mouth about how tackling Fournette wouldn’t be an issue, Fournette went past Beast Mode and absolutely went Hulk Smash on anything and everything in his way. Auburn defenders had no answers for tackling #7. At one point it got so bad that Tray Matthews attempted a piggyback ride/ RKO to no avail. Also, this drink is perfect because if the city of Syracuse runs out of booze this weekend LSU fans are going to be in an absolute rage and will most likely tear off their purple pants/shorts and leave this town in complete ruins. lfomg.0.0 Vandy @ Ole Miss (-28)

As much as I hate to do it, I’ll admit that I was wrong and tip my cap to Ole Miss on their big win last week. Congratulations. What a feeling right? I mean, thanks to 5 turnovers and a perfectly designed tipped-pass-off-the-helmet TD on 3rd and 1 – the Rebs beat Alabama for the 2nd consecutive year for the first time in their program’s history. What a hard earned victory where you had to face unbelievable amounts of luck adversity. I know I sound bitter. But, that’s only because I am. giphy Truth is, Ole Miss is a very good football team. They have 1st round talent at WR, DL, OL, and potentially QB. But, let’s just be realistic about last week. It was a lucky win over a prominent program that beat themselves in a game of national significance. But congrats, I’m sure this season will result in a national title in the same way last season did after y’all beat Alabama. I’m sure teams won’t make adjustments or be able to stop an offense coached by someone who was coaching/ teaching High School less than a decade ago. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is finally your season of dominance, perfection, and #CroakiesAndTrophies. B1N0d_FIUAALvAq Score – Ole Miss 45 Vandy 7

Booze – Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice. Let’s just pump the brakes on patting this team on the back. Full disclosure, I think Ole Miss has the talent, and the schedule, to win the SEC. However, let’s not celebrate too early like you did last year when everyone in Oxford got wetter than Katrina over the Bama win. Everyone assumed it was all downhill from there and then the Rebels folded like a lawn chair and got drubbed by TCU in their bowl game. How bout we just responsibly sip on this Non-Alcoholic deliciousness and try to pass the time before the only 2 tough games left on your schedule: A&M and LSU. Wait. Those game are both played in Oxford?! Fuck it break out the Champagne. Or, just spike this drink with whatever Pimp Juice Chad “Swag” Kelly is drinking because Ole Miss is getting to Atlanta y’all.

Tennessee @ Florida (-2)

I remember growing up and this being the biggest game of the year. It was actually the first game CBS even aired in their College Football Programming. I remember watching Wuerffel and Peyton Manning have legendary battles in Neyland and Ben-Hill. I remember Spurrier making fun of Tennessee, and their string of 2nd place finishes, by saying, “You can’t spell Citrus (as in the Citrus Bowl) without UT.” Spurrier wasn’t an always an asshole about this game. Just look at this picture of sportsmanship/ when he almost open mouth kissed Phillip Fulmer… Fulmer-Spurrier_t607-593x356 Fast forward to 2015, and what is this game? A battle between a new Head Coach with anger management issues, and a program on the rise despite having a QB who apparently uses Nair to moisturize his face. I’m not gonna spend any more time on this game than I have to. Tennessee is going to destroy Florida. They’re too talented, too well coached, and they will embarrass the Gators in Gainesville.

Score – Tennessee 27 Florida 13

Booze – 30-pack of Zima. Think back to the ’90s when you were just a 19-year-old freshman with an affinity for Airwalk shoes, 311, and hacky sack.  This beer was a staple in your life back then.  “Hey Connor, should we get a 12-pack of Bud or this 30-pack of Zima/ Sprite Beer? The Zima is like $6.” That’s a no brainer, Connor. Sadly now it’s 2015, and just like this rivalry, that 30-pack provides nothing more than a watered down stumble down memory lane and sadness. UF-UT-Gameday-Sign Southern @ UGA (-54.5)

Remember a week ago when I made fun of QB Greyson Lambert for not completing a pass against Vandy until the 3rd quarter? Insert foot in mouth Chris. Not only did Lambert complete a pass in the first half last week he also set the all time NCAA record for completion percentage in a game. Lambert went 24-25 and even completed 20 straight passes. Oh, and Nick Chubb just continued to do Nick Chubb things and posted his 11th straight 100 yard rushing game. I said before the season started that UGA was my pick to win the SEC this year. They have Chubb, the best O-Line in the conference, and a defense with more real potential than Global Warming. What does this mean for Southern? I don’t know. It’s an HBCU. Everything I know about HBCU’s I learned from the movie Drumline. I just know that it’s already caused me anxiety for the Bama game in Athens next week. Also, if you read “HBCU” and thought it was a reference to Steve Spurrier being the “Head Ball Coach” and not “Historical Black College and University” you’re the reason people make fun of Fox News and pleated pants. Score – UGA 48 Nick Cannon’s Step Team 10

Booze – Rémy Martin. Specifically 1738. Yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking. Southern is an HBCU, and as a bartender, and someone that grew up in an all black neighborhood, I can tell you that black people love Rémy (and the TV show Martin for that matter).But also because next week’s game against Bama probably won’t be close, and I can easily see the score being Bama 17 UGA 38. 1738. The end. Now excuse me while I go listen to “Trap Queen” on repeat after reading “1738” out loud. tumblr_nhqbl8wPCz1qgxjamo1_500 Mississippi St. @ Auburn (-3)

Jesus what was I thinking last week when I predicted Auburn to beat LSU?! That was almost as delusional as the media assuming that an unproven quarterback, a new D Coordinator, and an offensive roster full of names like Roc, D’haquille, and Camryn would lead Auburn to a national title. Assuming that Auburn would be a national title contender may be the worst assumption made since Columbus was like “Hey, we’re gonna hit up India for Spring Break ’92, but fuck Mapquest, let’s just go where the wind takes us. How hard can it be to find India? I don’t care about directions. I’m just hoping I can hook up with one of the natives when I get there.” hotindian Score – Miss St 30 Auburn 24

Booze – Miller High Life. Nailed it. It’s like Miller/ Miller Lite, but better. It’s the High Life. Just like Auburn is like Alabama but a little more sophisticated and higher class. It’s the champagne of beers. Champagne of beers? Doesn’t all of this sound so great and enjoyable? Then you crack open the bottle for kickoff and the disappointment starts to show itself faster than a “5” you’re dancing with at 2 am when the lights come on at the bar. Why is the beer foaming out of the bottle like a volcano when I just opened it? Why does it taste like stale malted misery? Why are people walking by and giving me spare change when they see me drink this? 6051452884_355603b13a Because it’s shitty, it’s sad, and most of all we feel bad when we have to watch you proudly display your support for either of them in public when everyone else knows that you’ve hit rock bottom.

1 Comment on SEC Preview: Week 4

  1. I’m not convinced Ole Miss is going to Atlanta (but I will if that native girl will be there) and playing a home game in Oxford is insignificant. They got 5 turnovers ( 2 inside the 25), a miracle play and every DC’s nightmare – a TD on a pop pass with linemen downfield. Watch the SEC refs start throwing flags on that THIS WEEK.
    I honestly thought “Southern” meant UGA was playing Georgia Southern but maybe Rickie Weeks is a 2 way player and has some eligibility left.
    Gus Malzahn’s entire coaching career is on the line tonight just like the guy who invented the wishbone. What was his name? Exactly
    I have a buddy in Tuscaloosa who sells for Miller/Coors and he likes to say “when LSU comes to town everybody makes money except Barnes and Noble.”
    Dak Prescott is the only player who has ever passed for 200 and run for 100 against Auburn. He’s done it twice.
    Phil Fulmer is still a fat asshole who, after spending his career at Tennessee, has no legacy.

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