I’ve had food poisoning all day. I look like every Tennessee fan did last week after their 4th quarter collapse at Florida. Luckily Butch Jones has a crew cut and no one had to hold his hair. Last week I went 7-2 straight up and 6-3 against the spread. That brings me to 35-6 and 26-12 on the season. Now on to Week 5 and let the shit talking begin in Athens…
Eastern Kentucky @ Kentucky (No Line)
Gross. I didn’t bother researching this game because there wasn’t even a line on it. It’s never a good thing when a team as shitty as Kentucky is so much better than their opponent that Vegas didn’t even put a line on the game. My prediction? Both fanbases turn off the game in the 3rd quarter and start watching Secretariat for the 292nd time because that horse turned glue stick is the one thing their state can be proud of.
Score – Kentucky 38 Eastern Kentucky 7
Booze – Evan Williams Green label with Tab. Evan Williams is to alcohol as Tab is to soft drinks. They’re both fucking disgusting, and every time you see someone drinking either you wonder why? Did that adult just buy a gallon of bourbon in a plastic bottle? Did that lady just spend $123 at Target on nothing but cat litter and Tab?! Ok garbage person. Enjoy your beverages…and dying alone.
Eastern Michigan @ LSU (-46)
LSU fans didn’t drink the town of Syracuse dry last week, but Leonard Fournette did leave their team in ruins like the soulless savage that he is. Fournette has rushed for 631 yards in his first 3 games- the most of any RB in the last 15 years. He’s like a bigger and blacker version of Spike from Little Giants, and when you mess with Spike/ Fournette you mess with death. This week the Tigers play Eastern Michigan who ranks 127th in the country in run defense. Mother of God. This is gonna be uglier than that Ukrainian chick from Dodgeball with the unibrow and rocket arm.
Score – LSU 51 Eastern Michigan 10
Booze – Irish Coffee. Specifically with decaf. Because just like Fournette it will run right through you. LSU fans aren’t usually of Irish decent, but they sure as shit drink like they are. The decaf choice is a little different. I don’t understand why people would ever want to drink decaf coffee in the same way that I don’t know why Eastern Michigan would want to travel across the country to get their brains beat in by LSU. Drinking decaf coffee is basically just saying, “Hey I’d like bad breath and to have to shit in no more than 5 minutes, but I’d really prefer to be groggy while it happens.”
Vandy @ MTSU (-1)
Jesus Christ Vandy. You’re an underdog to Middle Tennessee State?! The team with the blue horse named Lightning?! How in the hell is this team in the SEC? They’re like a child that was left on the doorstep of the conference by an unfit parent hoping that the SEC could create a better life for it. We should just start calling them Little Orphan Vandy.
Score – MTSU 27 Vandy 24
Booze – Becks Non Alcoholic. Drinking kills brain cells, and literally all Vandy brings to this conference is their academic reputation. Vandy is literally the 5’4″ Indian kid that is 8th string QB on your high school’s JV team despite being a Junior. He’s just there to help bring the team GPA up.
Mississippi St @ Texas A&M (-7)
Two of the conference’s best teams from two of the conferences worst cities. It’s like Cleveland vs Detroit except with more agricultural based education and less pee smell. I honestly don’t know which way to go in this game. A&M looked very beatable last weekend against Arkansas, and how impressed are we supposed to be with State’s road win against Auburn? I don’t know. I do know that the Aggies haven’t started 2-0 in conference play since 1997, and that Dak Prescott ruined their undefeated season a year ago. But, A&M is at home and has roughly a million offensive weapons.
Score – A&M 33 Miss St. 23
Booze – Captain Morgan and Orange Soda. This game isn’t quite bourbon or whiskey worthy. LSU, Bama, and Ole Miss are bourbon/ whiskey worthy. I’m not sure how good either of these teams are, but at least you’re drinking a dark rum so you’ll at least look like you kinda fit in with the big boys. It also works because Myles Garrett is a monster off the edge and already has 6.5 sacks this year. He takes over backfields with more force than that Somalian pirate with the gross ass teeth in Captain Phillips. Why the orange soda? Because it’s delicious. I know that sounds crazy, but try it. It’s incredible. Plus, if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times – Dak people love orange soda.
South Carolina @ Missouri (-4)
These two offenses are about as physical and aggressive as Ghandi during a 4 day fast. Mizzou is ranked 115th in the country or worse in total offense, rush offense, and Points per game. And, South Carolina was losing to Central Florida last week 14-8 at halftime. I’m not saying that I’m not a fan of defense, or that I don’t respect the fact that Mizzou has the 7th ranked D in the country. What I am saying is that they’re 0-4 against the spread this season, and these two offenses will be less exciting to watch than a thumb war between Jason Pierre Paul and Captain Hook.
Score – South Carolina 23 Mizzou 21
Booze – Stella. With a straw. And without your hands. Stella is the staple beer order for boring white people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some 40-something white dude in pleated Dockers come to the bar with a million different options and just panic order a Stella because he apparently hates choices or taste. This game will be about as boring as a conversation with that dude talking about his recent trip to the lake or explaining the ins and outs of his wife’s Pinterest “business” she started after their last child left for college. That’s why you have to use a straw with the Stella because the only way to spice up this boring 3 and a half hours is to drink it without using your hands. Make it creative. Make it fun. Hell something has to make this game exciting.
San Jose St @ Auburn (-20.5)
I’m not gonna rail on Auburn this week. I’m not gonna bring up the fact that they’re unranked, or that they’re offense is ranked 111th in scoring and their defense is ranked 88th in total D. I’m just going to remind their fanbase how hilarious it is to the rest of us to see your commercials during games that say, “ I believe in Auburn, and I love it.” Then, come back from commercial to see your dumpster fire of football team sputtering through basic fundamentals. Also, if you want to see a 5 second recap of Auburn’s season head to my Instagram (CDupreeComedy).
Score – Auburn 38 San Jose St 14
Booze – Vodka Soda. Specifically Baking Soda. Baking soda is one of the best ways to put out a fire, and Auburn is a flat out dumpster fire of a team right now. Literally the only good thing I can say for Auburn right now is that at least your offensive coordinator isn’t hooking up with your coach’s daughter like at Bama. Anyway, if that didn’t cheer you up there’s always vodka. You’ll need lots of it. And you’re welcome for the baking soda recommendation because it has a million different uses. It’s much more dynamic than your offense. Among the uses: teeth cleaning, drug making, and it’s a key ingredient in cattle feed. Baking soda is a must have for anyone in Auburn/ that Cow College on the Plains.
Arkansas @ Tennessee (-7)
There’s just nothing like getting together on a fall Saturday in the South and just watching these two teams try. That’s about as complimentary as I can be. Arkansas and Tennessee apparently just don’t want to win. I can understand Arkansas being 1-3 because they’re just a bad football team. Tennessee however avoids winning like I avoid eye contact with a homeless black guy downtown after a Braves game.
At this point I’m seriously starting to question Butch Jones. I thought he was a good coach, but he’s lost 2 games this season where he had a 13 point lead in the 4th quarter. I’m starting to think he just looks the part. Even my girlfriend said last week, “I can’t take this guy seriously. He has a crew cut and sounds like a manager for one of those guys in the WWE.”
Bold prediction: Nobody wins this game, as both head coaches call a truce at the start of the 4th quarter and head to CiCi’s Pizza to watch Bret Beliema embarrass himself more than either team would on the field.
Score – Tennessee 30 Arkansas 24
Booze – A Fishbowl of Long Island Iced Tea. The LIT is a staple drink for people who hate their livers and/ or need to drink until they can’t feel feelings. I can’t think of a better beverage for either fanbase right now. “What do I want to drink? I don’t know why don’t you just pour a shot from every bottle that’s in your well and mix with a splash of sour mix and Coke because I don’t want to live anymore.” The fishbowl is also perfect because guaranteed anyone drinking a fishbowl full of Long Island will get about 75% done with it before calling it quits and finishing the job. Sound familiar Tennessee fans?
Ole Miss @ Florida (+6.5)
This would’ve been a great game if Ole Miss was coming off the Bama win THIS week. Last week against Vandy they looked more pathetically sluggish and hungover than me on a Sunday. I don’t see that happening this week. Yes, Florida is 4-0. And yes, this game is being played in the Swamp. And yes, Florida’s defense, and their secondary, is perfectly suited to stop Ole Miss. However, last week’s game will provide a new level of focus and attention to detail. The Rebels will take care of business, and afterwards Chad Kelly will do his post game interview in gator boots, a grape velour FUBU outfit, and an upside down visor to mock the fuck out of Florida as well as talk about his new mixtape “Peanut Butter Kelly Time.”
Score- Ole Miss 30 Florida 20
Booze – Hennessy and Water. Specifically Holy Water. Because I’m not sure what the hell is going on right now since both these teams are undefeated. I can only assume it’s a miracle. The Hennessy is specifically for Swag Kelly and his backup dancers. The Holy Water is for both teams, but it’s mainly for Jim McElwain and the Gators after their Hail Mary was answered last week against Tennessee. I don’t see that happening this week. There’s a much better chance of him having another epic meltdown on the sidelines where he’ll have to be doused with holy water to cool him down and have to ask the team chaplain for forgiveness.
Alabama @ UGA (-2.5)
Being an Alabama fan born and raised in Georgia I have debated on what to say about this game all week. Should I write an unbiased analysis displaying logic and sportsmanship? That way if Bama loses on Saturday it may save me from an onslaught of shit talk on my social media from UGA fans. Or, should I be myself and just be an asshole? As Dr. Seuss once said, “Be yourself because those that matter don’t mind, and those who mind can fuck off.” Or something like that.
From everything I’ve heard from UGA fans this week I’m not so sure if Bama should even show up Saturday. Georgia is undefeated. Georgia is favored to win. Georgia has a running back that is the best one they’ve had since Herschel Walker, and THIS is finally their year to bring a national championship back to Athens. *Insert mocking jerk off hand motion here*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the same bullshit from UGA fans in my life I’d probably have enough to buy a Todd Gurley autographed jersey or bail all of your defensive backs out of jail every August.
But UGA gets Bama at home! I’ve heard that before too. Heard it in ’08 when they had Knowshon and Stafford, were ranked #1 to start the season, and did a blackout for the Bama game. Then Saban and company came in and dominated them from start to finish and even had a 31-0 lead at halftime.
I heard the same shit in 2012 before AND DURING the SEC championship game. When you had a 21-10 lead in the second half, your best QB in program history, and a defense that sent 8 of the 11 to the NFL. Then Saban and company came in and ran for 352 yards and your coach/ youth pastor didn’t spike the football and your hopes of a national title literally fell 2 yards short.
Bama is not as good as they once were. Sure. Their QB is erratic AF and their special teams are a nightmare to watch. But, what Bama does have is the best front 7 in college football and UGA isn’t equipped to beat them offensively. Spread teams beat Alabama. Tell me the last time you saw a team beat Alabama by lining up and running the ball 40-50 times. No, I’ll wait. Chubb is a great running back, but trust me when I tell you that him and Grayson Lambert haven’t seen a defense this physical, with schemes this complex, and athletes this dominant. Ever.
Score – Alabama 28 Georgia 27
Booze – Crown and Water. The Crown is for Bama. Bitches get water.