Last week Chris saw 2 Top 15 matchups in person. He also sat out in the rain for roughly 1829182 hours and is probably gonna get pneumonia in 2 days. Regardless, that sopping wet asshole beat me in picks last week by going 15-3 to my 13-5. For the season he is 87-14 to my 81-20. Oh well, at least I can grow a beard…
Maryland Vs. #1 Ohio State
Ted: Ohio State. I went to prom with a girl named Susie. Not because she was my number one choice but because I waited too long and she was the best available option. I’m pretty sure that is the same logic the Coaches and AP poll are going off of by still having Ohio State ranked #1.
Chris: OSU. Crab Cakes and Shitty Football! That’s what Maryland does. This game will be worse to watch than “non-violent” protests in Baltimore earlier this year…
#2 TCU Vs. Kansas State
Ted: TCU. It’s week 6, and I just realized that the number 2 team in the country has a mascot with worts and antlers. God. Dammit.
Chris: TCU. K-State will keep it close. But, TCU finally looked good last week, and I’m most excited to see what kind of turtleneck each of these coaches will wear. Gary Patterson looks like Frank Caliendo dressing up as Gary Patterson. I don’t know what’s real anymore guys.
#3 Baylor Vs. Kansas
Ted: Baylor. Netflix just added Coyote Ugly, so I’ll be watching that instead of this game.
Chris: Baylor. I think Baylor is the best team in the country right now. And, Kansas. Kansas is just the fucking worst. They were a shitty band. It’s a shitty state. And, their football team is worse than a layover at the Wichita airport.
#4 Michigan State Vs. Rutgers
Ted: Michigan State. This beating will look worse than those domestic abuse charges that were dropped on that Rutgers player earlier this week.
Chris: MSU. Rutgers is doing a blackout for this game. What?! Fuck yeah! Can’t wait to tune in if someone’s doing a blackout against a team that beat Purdue by 3 a week ago. This game is less respectable than the apology the Rutgers b-ball coach gave a few years ago after firing basketballs at his players.
#23 Cal Vs. #5 Utah
Ted: Utah. They win and maybe move up to number 1 also known as the acceptable amount of wives a person should have.
Chris: Utah. Well, Ted is right about only part of that sentence. Just take the over in this game if you’re betting on it.
Georgia Tech Vs. #6 Clemson
Ted: Clemson. I don’t know what’s worse Georgia Tech’s season or watching their fan base try and pick-up girls at bars.
Chris: Tech. Jackets beat them last year, and I refuse to believe that Clemson won’t “Clemson” after a big win. Especially against this type of offense.
#7 LSU Vs. South Carolina
Ted: LSU. Leonard Fournette. South Carolina’s defensive line has more holes in it than my lucky pair of underwear that I have owned since I was 14.
Chris: LSU. Total bullshit that Carolina moved this game to Baton Rouge. It’s a Conference game. Play it in the parking lot of a fucking Bi-Lo in the Vista on Tuesday if you have to. That’s soft AF.
Arkansas @ #8 Alabama
Ted: Alabama. I have had an erection for the past five days after watching Bama destroy UGA. BTW guys, the best lube in the world are the tears of UGA fans. Also, I’m calling my doctor after writing this since my erection has lasted longer than 4 hours.
Chris: Bama. They won’t win pretty, and they won’t win big. Afterwards, everyone in custom fit Jos. A. Bank suits on ESPN will predict the end of the dynasty and how they’ll lose next week to Texas A&M. Can’t wait.
#10 Oklahoma Vs. Texas
Ted: Oklahoma. Charlie Strong still has a job, but if I take my pants off at work one more time I get fired. Calling BULLSHIT.
Chris: Oklahoma. Solid point Ted. However, his job is on the line because of missed extra point and a punter who caught a perfect snap off his fucking face. Not the same. You’re literally just trying to take your pants off at work. Not ok.
#11 Florida @ Missouri
Ted: Missouri. They make their fans sit on rocks to watch their games, this makes their fans tougher than anything to come out of Florida since that “Hanging Chad” that wouldn’t let go.
Chris: Mizzou. I believe in this pick less than I believe that my college degree in Liberal Studies was actually worth the $30k in student loan debt.
Maimi Vs. #12 Florida State
Ted: Florida State. Remember when Stankonia dropped, when you saw O Brother Where Art Thou was a hit movie, and people thought Tom Green was talented? Yeah, that’s the last time this game mattered? The one good thing about this game is the endless amount of hot coeds that Brent Musberger will sexually harass during the telecast.
Chris: Florida St. The only cool part about this game anymore is that the mother of Brad Kaaya ( Miami’s QB) played Felicia in Friday.
#13 Northwestern Vs. #18 Michigan
Ted:Michigan. I just want Harbaugh to be happy. A sad man in pleated khakis is too much for me to handle right now.
Chris: Michigan. They’re at home. I’m sorry. I just will never believe in Northwestern. It’s hard to pull for an underdog in the Big 10 just like it’s hard to pull for an underdog in the Republican Primaries. Spare me the “against all odds” bullshit. If you can’t find a way to win against that shitty competition then I can’t take you seriously.
New Mexico State Vs. #14 Ole Miss
Ted: Ole Miss. Watching Ole Miss lose last week just reminded me of when Zoolander lost to Hansel in that walk off. How the fuck can you not turn left and take your underwear off without taking your pants off, Derek?!?!?!?
Chris: Ole Miss. Once a week I have to ask myself, “What in the literal fuck are you talking about Ted?” And, congrats on capitalizing on the Bama win a few weeks ago Ole Miss…
Navy Vs. #15 Notre Dame
Ted: Navy. Something about seaman covering Catholic boys.
Chris: Notre Dame. Jesus Christ Ted haha.
Washington Vs. #17 USC Trojans
Ted: USC Trojans. It seems that no drinking at work thing is really helping Sarkisian.
#19 UGA Vs. Tennessee
Ted: Tennessee. After posting the article about how to get over your ex, my ex that goes to Tennessee grad school hollered at me. She even told me that if I picked Tennessee to win this week she would make me sloppy joes when she comes home for fall break. And sloppy joes are FUCKING delicious.
Chris: UGA. I haven’t seen a combination of disappointment and public humiliation like last week since Britney Spears shaved her head back in ’02. Gross.
#21 Oklahoma State Vs West Virginia
Ted: Oklahoma State. West Virginia your biggest claim to fame is that shitty documentary about “The Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.”
Chris: West Virginia. To be fair they have had a lot of wonderful blacks in that state too. Pretty insensitive Ted. Randy Moss and Bill Withers are from there.
Illinois Vs. #22 Iowa
Ted: Iowa. If I wanted to see 3.5 hours of Midwestern Mediocrity then I’d just watch Fargo.
Chris: Iowa. Hey Big 10, I just want you to know that I’m pretending to take this game seriously in the same way that I’m pretending to take any Crossfitter seriously when they tell me about their latest PR.
Kent State Vs. #24 Toledo
Ted: Toledo. Toledo being ranked is probably the greatest thing to happen to that city since ABC Family announced that Melissa and Joey was based there.
Chris: Toledo. This game sucks.
#25 Boise State Vs. Colorado State
Ted: Boise State.