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Winning and Boozing: Week 6 in the SEC

Well, my picks were pretty shitty last week at 5-4 SU and 4-4 ATS, but I’m still looking good in 2016 with a 40-10 record straight up and 30-16 against the spread. Suck it Vegas.

Despite the mediocre weekend in gambling I may have possibly had the best football weekend ever. On Saturday morning I left for Athens to watch Bama vs. UGA from 12 rows back in the UGA faculty section (I know. I don’t get how it happened either). Then, after enough UGA fans went home to cry in a corner and regain feeling in their limbs I was able to escape the Classic City in record time.

So, I drove an hour and a half to Clemson and got there right as halftime started. That gave me enough time to find a free ticket at the passout gate to get into Death Valley for the 2nd half of their game against Notre Dame. #SorryImNotSorry #NotSoHumbleBrag

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Anyway, I hope that awesome road trip makes up for the fact that I had my worst week of picks of the year. Oh well, seeing Bama win and Notre Dame lose in person made me almost as wet as a divorcee watching 50 Shades of Grey.

Anyway, let’s get to Week 6 where my biggest question is how will Auburn find a way to embarrass themselves this weekend even though they have a bye? I’m sure they’ll think of something.

Troy @ Mississippi State (-30.5)

I’m not always accurate with my predictions. For instance, in 2013 when I first started writing this article I was 38-1 in my SEC picks heading into this very weekend. The one loss? I picked Troy over Mississippi State, and the Bulldogs won 62-13.

Regardless, I couldn’t be more confident about Mississippi State in this game. Troy is averaging less that 300 ypg, and they have the worst offense in the Sun Belt. That’s like coming in last in a potato sack race against paraplegics. Troy gives up almost 400 yards a game, and they’re going up against the most efficient QB in the SEC. Mullen will put on a show for the home crowd, and his senior QB.

Score – Miss St 41 Troy 10

Booze – A magnum bottle of Andre. Because after this game Mississippi State won’t have much to celebrate the rest of the season. They will literally be almost as sad as Will Ferrell’s mid-section during that iconic SNL skit about “More Cowbell.” Enjoy the win because you need something to celebrate in Starkville outside of the Shrimp Fest at the local Golden Corral. Also, magnum is perfect because magnum bottles are bigger than regular bottles. They’re more exciting and cool just like Mississippi State is over this po’ dunk school in rural Alabama. Oh…and, “Dak” people only wear magnum condoms. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

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Florida @ Missouri (+4.5)

Florida just beat Ole Miss like a drum. And, Mizzou has an offense that is more anemic and sluggish than Honey Boo Boo’s mom.

I don’t care. I’m picking Mizzou. They’re at home. They have the best defense in the SEC statistically. They’ve beaten the Gators the past 2 years by a combined score of 78-30. Florida is following a big win where everyone is patting them on the back. And most importantly, Gary Pinkel thrives in games like this at Mizzou.

I’m probably wrong. But, like an annoying girlfriend arguing in a nothing fight I will stand by my statement without logic or reason. Florida should’ve lost to East Carolina AND Tennessee. AT HOME. I’ll take the Tigers.

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Score – Mizzou 19 Florida 17

Booze – Colt 45 and Mad Dog. Specifically as a blind taste test. Because this game needs so much unnecessary and unwarranted hype to get people to pretend to care. A blind taste test between these to underwhelming malt liquors is almost as disappointing as these two teams facing off in a “meaningful conference game.” Seeing commercials this week promoting this game reminds me of  hearing a Black Club DJ telling you that, “we gettin turnt up tonight.”

Stop it DJ Rhymes with a Z. Nobody wants to come out and see either of these events. And, stop calling that abandoned American Legion a club. I don’t want to watch a “Divisional Battle” between a backup QB and the most overrated team in the conference in the same way I don’t want to hear a shoutout to all the single lady virgos in the house during the best part of “Trap Queen.” Plus, I’m definitely going to need a blindfold to watch how miserable Missouri’s offense is.

Also, guaranteed that 78% of white people reading this think that’s Apollo Creed in the pic below.

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New Mexico St @ Ole Miss (-45)

Wow. Florida beat Ole Miss 38-10 last week?! You mean to tell me that it’s hard to win when you turn the ball over 4+ times?! Crazy.

Remember like a month ago when Ole Miss beat Bama after the Tide had 5 turnovers (3 inside their own 25), and then everyone and dey Mama overlooked it and said Ole Miss was deserving of a Top 5 ranking and were destined to get to the Playoffs? Crazy.

I said last week that I thought Ole Miss would beat Florida handily. But, I couldn’t be happier to be wrong. Welcome to October Rebels/ Black Bears/ Champions of Premature celebration. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Ole Miss is the Georgia of the West now. They talk a real big game, but then always find away to blow it.

Ole Miss is like the dude at the bar wearing a V Neck and Blazer and buying everyone drinks all night while dapping up the security guard. You are kind of questioning if he’s legit or not, but everyone around you approves and says he’s legit.

“I heard he has a black card.”

“I heard he owns his own Tech Company.”

“I heard he invented Dunkaroos.”

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Then it’s time to pay, and Tevin pulls out a MasterCard that is over its limit and is promptly asked to leave the party. Congrats on your early success Tevin/ Ole Miss, but excuse me while I avert my eyes for the duration of this train wreck as you get exposed.

Good news is that you play the second most respectable school in one of the most forgotten states ever this weekend. New Mexico? That’s cool. Who came up with that state’s name? “Hey, I’m getting tired of the barren nothingness that is Antebellum Mexico. We should leave this place. There’s too much tequila-induced-nausea, and I’m pretty sure my wife has been sleeping with a donkey for money and calling it a tourist attraction. Let’s move like 100 miles North to a desert and hop on that democracy train those gringos keep talking about.”

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Score – Ole Miss 57 New Mexico St 14

Booze – Rumple-Minze. Nailed it. I mean why not take this shot huh? It’s late? You’re already super confident because that “7” across the bar is making eyes with you. Hell she may even be an 8 or a 9. And, here you are. Feeling good. Feeling confident. How about one more shot to keep this confidence going AND give you some fresh breath to help the cause?

That’s when you take down 1.5 ounces of this mint flavored liqueur and are suddenly transported into a reality you want no part of. Two weeks/ two hours ago you were on top of the world. Now it’s October/ 3 AM and you’re face down in the toilet throwing up because your arrogance and swag made you think that you could mix beer before liquor…and then more beer…and then another color of liquor…and then a shot of 100 proof Listerine.

Ole Miss is more overrated than this retarded cousin of Goldschlager.

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Arkansas @ Bama (-16.5)

This game will be more boring than an episode of 60 Minutes about the art of watching paint dry. Bama dominated UGA last week (Like I said would happen). However, this week they won’t be as impressive. Yes, they’re at home, and are stout against the run. But, they don’t have a LB who can cover Arkansas’ All-American TE Hunter Henry.

The good news is that Arkansas is a running team which, just like UGA, feeds into the strength of the Alabama defense. Hogs RB Alex Collins has had at least 26 carries and 151 yards in his last 3 games. That won’t happen against this Bama defense. Don’t believe me? Arkansas ran the ball 32 times for only 89 yards a year ago in this matchup.

Score – Alabama 27 Arkansas 13

Booze – (Bakon) Vodka & Water. That’s right. Bakon. As in bacon flavored Vodka and water. Why? Because Bacon is a staple in the diet of almost every type 2 diabetic that resides in these shit hole states. It’s also probably Bret Beliema’s favorite breakfast food considering he’s a giant meat head who probably makes homophobic jokes about eating sausage and thinks “Canadian” Bacon is just ham or a really bad John Candy movie. Regardless just drink up. Because Bama is going to slaughter the Hogs once again, AND they’ll need some water to be hydrated and clear headed going into their next 4 games which feature 4 straight conference teams that are coming off a bye.

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South Carolina @ LSU (-19.5)

The state of Louisiana is actually benefitting from a flood?! Wow. And, if you’re offended by that just know that my family lives in Columbia, SC and was stranded for a handful of days this week. You’ll be happy to know that they spent the downtime by looting and stealing. I’m kidding. In the same way the city of Charleston reacted after tragedy earlier this year the people from the Palmetto state just banded together and didn’t react immorally or with ignorant violence. They just got through it without blame of others. Take note America.

Score – LSU 27 South Carolina 17

Booze – Gentleman Jack and Water. The Gentleman is for SC, and the water is for both. Obviously. This drink is specifically one that was accidentally poured for someone else and you are receiving for free. This happens a lot in bars. You make a drink for someone because you thought it’s what they ordered but they changed their mind and now you have an extra drink on your hands.

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So, instead of just pouring out a rocks glass of goodness you offer it to someone else for free. What a nice gesture. However, every once in awhile you’ll make this nice offer to some asshole who hears “free” and immediately starts turning an inch into a mile. “Well if you’re gonna give me that one for free can I just get something else for free?” No. You’re lucky I’m being nice. After all, you’re wearing a Swamp Life t-shirt and smell like Corn Dogs. Can’t you just be cool and appreciative that you got a free drink in the same way that you’ve been cool with getting an extra home game and boasting a Heisman trophy leading candidate whose “Heisman Moment” came against Auburn?! Of course you can’t because nobody from the Bayou has ever been called a Gentleman.

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UGA @ Tennessee (+3)

I had more than one UGA fan reach out to me directly last week to tell me how dumb, ignorant, and wrong I was for being so biased in my pick of Bama over UGA…..

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I’m sorry that was sophomoric and rude. It’s just that when I said all that I… HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

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You did exactly what I thought you’d do UGA. Regardless, I still say you win the SEC, and I think that prediction gets validated this week against Tennessee. UT doesn’t know how to win. UGA is coming off a tough loss. BUT, they still have every one of their goals in front of them. I think Richt will have his team focused and ready. I think UGA wins by a minimum of 14.

Now, the real question is how will they handle a win like this? Will they view it as a stepping stone in the process of their ultimate goal? Or, will they get way to overzealous about it and talk themselves up as world beaters in a shitty division with no impressive wins under their belt and a head coach with a confidence that’s as shaky as a hand job from someone with Parkinson’s.

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I guess only time will tell.

Score – UGA 34 Tennessee 17

Booze – Bottle of 2005 Silver Oak Cabernet. Even though you may have to let it sit and open up a bit this is a really good bottle of wine. More specifically, it’s a really good Winery and Vineyard as well. The track record speaks for itself. Sooooo, maybe instead of judging the entire bottle off of one taste you should just let it develop a bit and see what it can become.ARE YOU LISTENING UGA FANS?!

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Yeah, I’m sure it seems bitter right now because you told everyone it was great and then tried to power drink it out of anxious panic during a pregame off Milledge Ave. In the same way you tried to tell the country about how you were going to dominate Bama and finally claim your throne from your ascension throughout the SEC.

How bout we just take some time to let this whole thing we call a season develop and see if the taste in your mouth is bitter from the tannins or your premature disproval.

 

 

2 Comments on Winning and Boozing: Week 6 in the SEC

  1. One note on your ignorant patting on the back about South Carolina. I’m assuming you are comparing the flooding now to Katrina, which I would expect from am absolute retard. So a death toll below 10 to a death toll over 4000, a few rural cities stuck in their homes for a few days vs over 200,000 people stranded on the second floors of their homes? Oh man, really fair comparison of situations.

    • Thanks for the read! Hope you were able to find some sort of cream during your looting in Nola to fix all that sensitive butt hurt you got from reading this satirical article. Happy Saturday!

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