Like a bad first date let’s just get it all out there from the beginning. I’ve had a rough week. Not only is Bama playing LSU this week, but I also had yet another losing record against the spread last week. Goddammit Joey Faton Bouta and UGA. I knew I should’ve trusted my instincts/ guts/ literally anything other than your coaching staff. I went 5-1 straight up for the 2nd week in a row, but my 2-3 record ATS brought my season total to 59-16 SU and 40-30 ATS.
The only thing more upsetting than my 57% winning percentage in gambling is the fact that I found out yesterday that my grandma (Mema) is probably going to pass in the next 24-48 hours. This is the same woman who bought me my first baseball glove. Then once she got older, she became the same woman I used to take to Kroger for her weekly grocery shopping and have lunch dates at Moe’s with to keep her company once my family moved out of state. I love you Mema. That being said…
The ONLY Bama game I ever watched with her in my entire 29 years of life was when Bama lost to LSU in 2010. So, rest easy Lois, and we’ll split a queso in the sky if you promise not to jinx my favorite team anymore. Deal? Now, since you’re more uncomfortable than a front wedgie in jean shorts at a Wal-Mart let’s head on to Week 10!
Vandy @ Florida (-21)
You know every April when you are scrambling around trying to find last minute receipts and write-offs during your E-File at the local strip mall H&R Block for your income taxes? I will 100% be doing that April 2016 regarding my recent charity work/ picks in favor of Vanderbilt.
Why did I think they would cover against undefeated Houston? Why did I think they would beat Carolina? I’ve missed my last 4 picks on the Commodores. What does that mean? I’m going back to my go to/ sweet spot. I’m gonna give them less positive attention than that mother from Precious.
Florida needs a win to clinch a trip to Atlanta for the SEC Championship Game. Furthermore, Vandy ranks 122nd in the country in turnover margin, and Florida ranks 2nd. Also Vandy is the worst, and I would love them more if they would lose some weight and not disappoint me so much.
Score – Florida 31 Vandy 0
Booze – Mai Tai. Specifically with Bacardi 151. This is simple. Florida deserves this drink because it’s “Islandy” in nature, and the Gators will be on Island Time for the rest of their conference games starting with this one. The Gators need one win to clinch their first SEC East Title since Urban Meyer was faking heart palpitations and Tebow apparently watched The Notebook at halftime of the SEC Championship Game against Alabama in ‘09.
Florida is getting to Atlanta, and there’s nothing Vanderbilt, or anyone in the SEC East, can do about it. That being said, this drink is also perfect for Vandy because the 151 will hopefully make them throw up on themselves or set them on fire and instantly cremate this program who has shown less life than a Dr. Kevorkian patient.
Mississippi St. @ Mizzou (+8.5)
One time in 2005, when I was 19, I owned a flip phone. It wasn’t even a Razr. It was a shitty 4th tier option from Verizon which is yet another reason that I qualified for so much Financial Aid in college. Thanks Fafsa/ lower tax brackets!
Anyway, one terrible shortcoming with all of those ESOL/ non-smart phones were their inability to autocorrect. They just had that T9 feature which was like autocorrect with the assistance of a person who literally just got through Ellis Island. Now, I know that sounds dumb considering how many times I’ve motherfucked the ghost of Steve Jobs for making my $600 phone say “ducking” when I’m really trying to drive a point home. Butttt…
One time, I was texting a girl from that phone. It was a girl that I had a HUGE crush on. In the middle of the convo I decided to reply with “touche.” However, my cockblock T9 feature autocorrected to “touchey.”
THEN, instead of correcting this error I typed the SAME EXACT LETTERS, and the phone corrected to “touchey” again. What’s the point of this story?
One, that’s why it took till the age of 23 to lose my virginity, and two, that type of stupidity is hard to achieve. Which begs the question…HOW IN THE LITERAL FUCK DID MIZZOU QB MATY MAUK GET SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY 6 DAYS AFTER BEING REINSTATED FOR BEING SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY. I just went cross eyed from even trying to make sense of that.
Score – Mississippi State 23 Mizzou 6
Booze – Jaeger Bombs. Because it’s a consistent mistake that a lot of college kids make. I know I did it on more than one occasion. I don’t even know why to be honest. I hate licorice and Affliction shirts which is literally a must for anyone that actually likes this shot. Oh well, I’m not going to try and make sense of this stupidity. I’m just gonna buckle up my chinstrap and run headfirst right into a wall of nausea made of “I told you so.”
Arkansas @ Ole Miss (-11)
Let me start by saying, that Ole Miss is a good football team. Not because they beat Alabama. They’re a good football team because of their talent. They have potentially the #1 draft prospect at DL, OL, and WR in the entire country. They also have a very, very good QB in Chad Kelly.
I don’t know what happened to them against Memphis, and I damn sure don’t know how they lost 38-10 at Florida. What I do know is that they have only 3 games left, and two of those are at home including this one. The window for the rest of the SEC West to pass the Rebels is closing faster than that one that Will Smith flew out of at the end of Independence Day.
Ole Miss may lose one more game this year, but they are absolutely not going to lose this game against Arkansas. They’re at home, they lost 30-0 against them last year, and somehow the Rebels have adopted a chip on their shoulder despite having a clearer path to success than that white guy in the ponytail and cardigan in Good Will Hunting.
Score – Ole Miss 31 Arkansas 21
Booze – Old Fashioned. Specifically with Crown Apple and extra bitters. It has all the same ingredients/ usual suspects. Bourbon Whiskey, bitters, hell maybe even garnish the ending with an orange (bowl selection) and/ or a cherry (on top). But this seems different. The taste of an Old Fashioned is as traditional and expected as an SEC school being in contention for the National title. So, why is there an unexpected flavor here? Why is this so bitter? I could tell you, but I feel like the answer will just be drowned out by the boisterous cheers from people in Oxford clad in red and blue who are telling you that this drink is just as traditional and tried and true. (Heads Up: It’s not).
S. Carolina @ Tennessee (-17)
Here’s a game that is as puzzling as it is irrelevant. Last week we discussed the sad truth about Tennessee being the best 4 loss team in the country as being painfully pitiful as Jeb being the 4th best Bush presidential candidate (including Hillary).
Listen, I have no fucking clue why Vegas set the line this high just like I have no answer as to why the Vols lost to Arkansas. But, Tennessee is vastly underrated in my opinion.
If they don’t have a 4th quarter collapse against Florida then they’re a shoe in to represent the East in Atlanta. If they don’t do that AND don’t have a 4th quarter collapse against Bama then they are potentially a Playoff Contender. And, if they don’t do either of those AND, they don’t blow a 4th quarter lead to Oklahoma then they are DEFINITELY a playoff contender.
Bad news: Just like that Kid Rock and Ted Nugent duet – ALL of those things happened.
Good news: Nothing good has happened in Columbia anytime recently. They’ve had flooding, Spurrier’s retirement, and the death of my favorite grandparent.
So, I predict this game will be more one sided than that “fight” at Spring Valley High School between the Resource Officer/ wrongfully fired Rent-A-Cop and that 16 year old girl who refused to quit her game of Candy Crush.
(Let me go on the record as saying that I side with the cop. I remember one time a teacher told me to get off my phone…then I just did that…and there was no public outcry…because I just listened to authority instead of being an asshole since I was the one initially breaking the rules and refusing to stop texting my friend that was literally 2 desks behind me.)
Score – Tennessee 38 USC 17
Booze – Vodka and (watered down day old) Unsweet Tea. Usually I would say Sweet Tea, or just go with Firefly Vodka here considering that Columbia, SC has the best sweet tea I’ve ever had. Thanks Palmetto Pig BBQ!
However, if you take a step back and really look at it – maybe it isn’t so sweet. Maybe it’s just been overly saturated with nostalgia and sugar to mask some of the inferiorities you overlooked. This applies to both schools. Carolina has obviously had it’s issues, but Tennessee was supposed to be a contender this year. They’ve been good, but they’ve also come up short more than Verne Troyer/ Mini Me at a Six Flags Theme Park.
Auburn @ Texas A&M (-7)
Here’s yet another game where I have no idea what to expect. I think A&M is the better team, but honestly, they’ve become more and more lackluster since that loss to Bama back on October 17th. They were manhandled against Ole Miss. They looked like shit against Carolina, and honestly I think Kevin Sumlin and his team may have lost their confidence/ mojo worse than Austin Powers.
Auburn is a train wreck on offense. They overthink things worse than an insecure woman with hypochondria. However, not a lot has gone right for me this week, and for some reason I think Auburn is going to win…or at least cover the spread.
Score – A&M 30 Auburn 24
Booze – Bottle of Aged/ Corked Wine. Specifically that’s been corked since 2013 and tastes like 750 mL of vinegar. That’s about what these two teams are. Something that peaked 2 years ago. A nice bottle that seems worth the purchase price, yet tastes worse than the oil & vinegar at the salad buffet at a CiCi’s Pizza outside of College Station. Like a former small town homecoming queen turned meth addict both of you have had your moments. However, you’ve failed the test of time worse than you failed the Math section on your SAT. Be honest, that section on integers made you shit your pants almost as bad as Jeremy Johnson did while facing a Cover 2 Blitz package.
Kentucky @ UGA ( -14.5)
I don’t even know where to begin with this game. The past 24 hours at UGA have looked a lot less like a college football program and much more similar to an episode of The Real Housewives of Athens on Bravo. Unlike the chick flick Mocumentaries on that channel, there are absolutely zero things from this program that deserve any kind of Bravo.
UGA has had a tough month. But, let me be 100% (drunkenly) honest with you. My Mema is about to pass away within the next 48 hours after finding out she had liver failure in early October. That’s real. But honestly, she’s probably had a better last month than UGA has. Let’s review…
You were a favorite over Alabama, and got ran out of your own building 38-10. Next, you blow a 21 point lead to a divisional rival after losing your best player against Tennessee. That was just through October 10th. Then, you finish the last 20 days of the month by not scoring a touchdown. By kickoff on Saturday it will have been 28 days since UGA scored a TD. There are 17 year old female Mormons with peach fuzz facial hair wearing chastity belts and promise rings who score more than that.
Now, rumors are rampant that the Dawgs are going to fire at least one of their coordinators if not Richt himself. Jesus Christ UGA, get your shit together. Stop having emotional public outbursts about breaking contractual ties like you’re fucking Sharon Stone in Casino, and just fucking do it. We’re all tired of hearing about this breakup that never happens.
You’re like some 30 year old ADPi that is constantly calling her former “sisters” to complain/ get advice about her terrible marriage but never does anything about it. Hey UGA fans listen, if he’s that inattentive to your wants for something more, and/ or has also “come up short in satisfying your desires” then it’s time to cut ties with him.
I mean come on sister, he can barely even get a Chubb anymore…
Score – UGA 24 Kentucky 17
Booze – Gasoline. This isn’t a metaphor. This isn’t a gasoline-themed cocktail. I’m just telling UGA fans the only thing that will make you feel better/ escape this horrid reality you, and your program, have found yourselves in is poison. Because on Saturday you very well might lose at home to Kentucky. And, this time you won’t be able to blame it on an Aaron Murray injury, or Nick Chubb’s absence, or bad play calling. If you lose Saturday your fanbase has no one to blame but yourselves, and the internal conflict that you have created for your favorite team. The family from Million Dollar Baby had more loyalty than you.
Y’all suck. And there’s really not much more to say.
LSU @ Bama (-6.5)
Once again it’s early November, and the eyes of the nation turn towards Baton Rouge or Tuscaloosa. Every year this rivalry brings two things to mind. 1) How much I hate watching this game (It’s not fun. It’s 3 and a half hours of misery and defense), and 2) A quote from the 2007 song “Duffle Bag Boy” by Playaz Circle…
“Call me what you want, but don’t call me front.”
This is not a game of pretenders. This is big boy football y’all. Don’t believe me? Since 2007, this rivalry has had 100 NFL draft picks including 25 1st rounders. That 2011 game that ended 9-6 in OT that everyone hated? 44 of the 48 on the two deep for both teams ended up playing in the NFL. Think about what I just fucking said, and the next time you try to pretend that UGA vs. Florida “matters” to anyone outside of those two states please reread that stat.
This game is the fucking worst. Rarely is this a game where one team comes in overhyped and is exposed for a loss or dominates the other team for a victory. These teams are pretty consistent mirror images of each other. Yeah they’re coaches couldn’t be more similarly different than Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito in Twins. But, at their foundation, they are the same.
Here’s the deal, I’m admittedly a huge Alabama fan, and I love winning. I love winning against rivals, I love winning against SEC teams, and I love winning national titles against idiot fanbases like Notre Dame. I’ll be honest, as a fan I don’t respect Auburn. I don’t respect Georgia. I don’t respect Ohio St. Yeah, we’ve lost to those teams, but I don’t respect what they do on a consistent basis. There is no better feeling of head held high, proud achievement as an Alabama fan than when you beat LSU. They are THE biggest test you face every year. They challenge you more than anyone else ALL season.
That’s why I especially hate this 2015 game. Because Bama’s not going to win. Stopping Fournette isn’t the issue. The issue will be stopping Brandon Harris, who hasn’t thrown an INT all year, and the solid receiving corps around him while STILL stopping Fournette. And, even if Bama can manage to stop the best RB in college football in over a decade or more then they will still have to find a way to score on a rush defense that is giving up less than 100 ypg.
I think Harris will create plays with his legs. I think he’ll keep the Bama D off balance enough for a big play or two. And, I think I will end the night screaming into a pillow since I won’t have my traditional Christmas gift of Bama being in a Major Bowl OR one of those “Chicken Soup for the Late 20’s Alcoholic Soul” from my Mema for the 8th consecutive year.
Score – LSU 21 Alabama 20
Booze – Crown. Neat. Specifically a double. Because you need something that will be traditionally smooth, yet will punish your liver like it was dating Chris Brown or trying to tackle Leonard Fournette and/ or Derrick Henry. This is the greatest collection of next level talent in the country. Do yourself a favor and pour yourself 3 fingers and a cloud of dust of top shelf bourbon or whiskey and enjoy the #TBT to smash mouth football that will happen at 8 Pm Friday in Bryant Denny…Also, I can’t be the only one who noticed the colors on the bag that that Crown came in…