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Winning and Boozing: Week 11 in the SEC

I had another average week last Saturday going 4-3 straight up and 3-4 against the spread. Who would’ve thought that UGA and Vandy would’ve actually grown a sack and played well against a conference opponent for the first time this season? And Auburn?! What in the literal fuck?!

Who cares. I still have a winning record ATS at 43-34 am 75% correct SU with a 62-20 record.

Heading into week 11 I am hoping for two things: 1) an undefeated record for my predictions. And 2) more commentary/ interaction from my readers. That’s why we are giving away a prize this week at RedWhiteAndBro. The best answer to this week’s trivia question  will win $100 (…in Kroger gift cards that I found while cleaning my apartment this week).

Week 11 is a huge week in deciding the potential outcome for the SEC as well as the CFB Playoff…That being said, the person who has the best answer for this week’s trivia question question wins our grand prize, and that question is…

What is the best excuse for leaving your Mema’s 2:00 pm funeral early so you can make it home in time for kickoff of the Bama game at 3:30?! AND GO!

Western Carolina @ Texas A&M (No Line)
Last Friday I jokingly said that my week was so bad I bet Auburn would beat A&M. Nailed it.

A&M is terrible. The Aggies are averaging only 16 ppg over their last 4 games and somehow managed to score only 10 points against Auburn who has the worst defense in the SEC. Scoring only 10 points on Auburn’s defense is like only getting a hand job on Prom Night from a girl with a tongue ring and daddy issues.

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Score – A&M 34 WCU 14

Booze – Purple NyQuil. Through a funnel. Go to sleep A&M. This isn’t fun anymore. For anyone. You went from being a dark horse for the CFB Playoff to being in a dark place as a team. You’ve handled your QB situation worse than a Mormon husband handles monogamy because in no way have you put enough confidence in any of them to feel good enough about themselves so they’ll be there for you when you need them most. Please just guzzle roughly a quart of NyQuil and get a belly full of Salmon and just hibernate like a bear until 2016 when people will take you seriously again.

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North Texas @ Tennessee (-40.5)
Christ Tennessee. Every time I try to go out on a limb of confidence and support the Vols they disappoint me more than a father from the 1950’s who just found out his son is really into baking and ballet.

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How in the hell did you barely beat South Carolina at home last week considering USC’s defense is ranked 2nd to last in the SEC?

Good news for the Vols is that they get North Texas at home this week. The line on this game is 40.5 which I thought seemed kinda high at first. Then I did some research on North Texas.

They’re 1-8 this season, and they lost by 43 to Louisiana Tech last week. That means that Jeff fucking Driskel beat this team by 6 touchdowns. Kill yo self North Texas.

Against teams with similar or better talent – Tennessee has choked worse than a 16 year old trying pot for the first time. However, they’ve bullied inferior opponents worse than Scott Farkus, that ginger with braces, from A Christmas Story.

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Score – Tennessee 52 North Texas 10

Booze – Egg Nog spiked with Creatine. For two reasons. 1) Because you’ll be going to a bowl game closer to Christmas than New years. And 2) because Tennessee is nothing more than a grade school bully. They don’t fuck with the popular kids in school/ SEC – especially after the last time they tried to and had their QB’s eyebrows burnt off with a Bunsen Burner.

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But, they will absolutely torment teams that are undersized and less talented than they are. They’re like a fat kid that’s been homeschooled and has been tricked into thinking he’s special despite being regarded as a terrible asshole to his peers. So here, drink up on this Creatine & Organic Chocolate Milk smoothie, and everyone close to you (that’s wearing orange) will keep telling you that you’re special. But, just know that when you get out in the real world/ face ranked opponents you will embarrass yourself worse than Ron Burgundy when he got that NRB/ No Reason Boner in Anchorman.

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BYU @ Mizzou (+5)
A lot of people were surprised when Mizzou won the SEC East title in 2 of their first 3 years of being in the conference. But, winning the title of “Most Racist University in the SEC” has got to be the biggest surprise since we found out Lois Einhorn had a dick in the first Ace Ventura. I did NOT see that coming guys!

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I’m not going to take a lot of time to discuss the shitstorm that happened in CoMo this week. What I will say is that ANY group of students, no matter race or gender, who blame 3 isolated incidents of racism on one individual are more misguided than a Delta 747 being directed by Stevie Wonder as an air traffic controller.

If you see graffiti in a truck stop bathroom that is racist you don’t march into the store and demand to stop eating Ramen and PB&J’s until the 7/11 manager is fired. You just shake your head, thank God for the fact that you’re not an ignorant asshole, and then pee on the seat in case that preteen Neo Nazi with a Sharpie ever comes back to take a number 2.

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Can we just stop being so fucking sensitive? Jesus Christ guys. I’m not saying that racism is ok. I’m not condoning the 4 inbred morons that rode by campus and yelled the N word at a black pedestrian. That is 100 % wrong.

You absolutely have the right to feel comfortable on your college campus no matter what race you are (Unless you’re North Korean because then I’m gonna profile the shit out of you). But, you can’t blame one person for the acts of some random  mindless idiots. And, just because you learned the word “systemic” in your first upper level course about Socioeconomics  and class structure last week doesn’t mean we need a witch hunt turned lynch mob due to your newfound soap box of erroneous anger.

Granted I have a pretty fucked up sense of humor – BUT, if I walked into a bathroom and saw a swastika made of poop on the wall the FIRST thing I would do is Snapchat that shit and then laugh uncontrollably. I wouldn’t blame the president of the university for not being able to control “fecal art” from some unidentified 20 year old.

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The only thing that sucks more than the racial protests in CoMo this week is the actual football team from that same city. I honestly think they wanted to go on strike just so they didn’t have to go back out on the field and embarrass themselves again come Saturday. You’re averaging 14.7 points a game Mizzou, and that is more offensive than a #poopswastika.

Score – BYU 21 Mizzou 13

Booze – Sparkling Apple Cider. Honestly, go ahead and pour a gallon of Mott’s Apple Juice into a bottle of Fireball and continue to pull the wool over the eyes of everyone involved in this game. Spiked Apple Cider is delicious this time of year.

But, let’s face it, these two fanbases don’t deserve alcohol. What drink do you serve at a party full of Mormons and Mid-Western White Guilt? I don’t know. But, let’s just make sure it’s PC and almost fun! So, pop some bottles of carbonated apple juice, put on that new Jason Derulo single, and let’s all talk about how we’re white yet still culturally diverse due to our morals and taste in music! This game is gonna be a blast!

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Florida @ South Carolina (+7.5)
Last week there were a lot of people that were upset about Florida being ranked so far behind Alabama in the initial playoff rankings. Then they went out and beat Vandy 9-7. To put that into perspective – Vandy lost 34-0 to Houston the week before. AND, they would’ve lost if Vandy’s punter didn’t shank a punt for 12 yards with 4 minutes to go in the game.

12 fucking yards? Lieutenant Dan could’ve punted a ball farther than that Vandy punter. Fuck, you guys are the worst.

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Part of me thinks that Carolina can keep this close and maybe even win. They’ve actually played a lot better since Steve Spurrier’s retirement. However, their best player is WR Pharaoh Cooper, and he’ll be going up against arguably the best secondary in the country. Florida will pull away late because Carolina won’t be able to score enough on this Florida defense.

Score – Florida 21 S. Carolina 10

Booze – Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato Champagne. Hey Florida, feel free to focus on the key words in the title of this “wine” that make your SEC East title seem celebratory. “Bubbly” and “Champagne” seem to fit because you’re headed to Atlanta for the SEC Championship for the first time since 2009. However, when you pan out and see the entire title for what it is – it seems a little sad.

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Winning the SEC East this year is like winning your own age and/ or weight division at a local 5k when you’re 60+ and a transgender. Think about it. “Your 2015 SEC East Champion Florida Gators” pretty much reads like “With a time of 1 hour and 13 seconds, your Summerville 5k spring champion in the age 65 and over 215 pound weight class is Brosie O’Donnell.”

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Over it. Enjoy your pink moscato champagne as well as trying to defend yourself against an audience of dismissive eye rolling when you tell your peers that you won something.

Kentucky @ Vandy (-3)
You know what they say – The road for 5th place in the SEC East goes through Nashville! Everyone who reads this blog knows that I hate Vanderbilt. I’ve missed almost every pick with Vandy this year. I hate them more than Pentecostal Christians hate Starbucks Christmas cups. For fuck’s sake they’ve scored 17 points this season ONLY ONE TIME.

How do you even do that? Did you have someone from the Make-A-Wish foundation play QB for you during 8 games in some weird Tom Rinaldi special documentary that were never aired? 17 points just once?! Fuck right off Vandy.

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If you want to watch this game then more power to you, but there is literally zero part of me that is going to waste time doing research on a game that matters less than Calculus and Cursive handwriting do in the real world.

So here is a list of equally pathetic matchups that are STILL more exciting than this shit game:
– A rap battle between Ben Carson and Sisqo

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– A bronze medal tie-breaker for curling in the Special Olympics
– A spelling bee featuring contestants ONLY from the cast of Alaskan Bush People and Real Housewives of Atlanta
– A WNBA Slam Dunk Contest
– A Dance off between Dabo Swinney and Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
– A game of swords at a urinal between Caitlin Jenner and Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.

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Score – Kentucky 20 Vandy 13

Booze – Parrot Bay Jell-O Shots. Specifically until you puke or pass out. Because this game is about as masculine and cool as one of those choreographed dance-offs in Grease. I’ll take this game about as seriously as the terrorist threat level graph/ chart on Fox News. It’s nothing more than a waste of time and energy to watch, and afterward you’ll feel less satisfied than an anorexic at Golden Corral on Thanksgiving.

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Arkansas @ LSU (-8)
This is probably the most intriguing game of the week because each team’s momentum is going in total opposite directions. LSU was manhandled by Alabama last week while Arkansas pulled off a miraculous upset over Ole Miss.

LSU is a very talented football team, and they have arguably the best player in college football. Yes, they were shut down last week, but they were shut down against the best defense in in college football. Surely, they won’t do it 2 weeks in a row right?

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Here’s a stat – under Les Miles LSU is 27-2 following a loss. Here’s another stat – Both of those losses were to Arkansas. Here’s one more stat – Arkansas, not Alabama, held Leonard Fournette to his career worst rushing game when he ran for only 9 yards on 5 carries last year in a 17-0 win for the Razorbacks.

I really want to pull the trigger and pick the Hogs. But, this game is in Death Valley. AT. NIGHT. And, Arkansas gives up over 400 ypg.

Score – LSU 31 Arkansas 24

Booze – Bourbon and Water. Neat. Specifically Elijah Craig and Water. Elijah Craig is perfect because this game always reminds me of Friday. As in the day Friday and the movie Friday since it was traditionally played on the Friday after Thanksgiving. It also makes sense to make this drink neat instead of on the rocks because as the sequels showed us, an overzealous use of Ice Cube(s), can really ruin a good thing. Let’s just stick to the basics.

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Southern bourbon for your buzz, and water to help hydrate you for the rest of the season. Who cares if you got knocked the fuck out by Deebo last week LSU? And, I know you say you aren’t embarrassed, but you ain’t got to lie Craig! You ain’t got to lie! Just make sure Les Miles isn’t inhaling as much grass as Smokey, and you should be fine Tiger fans.

Bama @ Mississippi St (+8)
This game is going to be closer than people think. There’s a reason why the Tide is only favored by a point more against MSU than they were favored a week ago against LSU and Heisman frontrunner Leonard Fournette.

It’s hard to imagine the Tide not having at least a little bit of a hangover after such a huge win last week. Not to mention the fact that they are playing possibly the best QB in the country right now in Dak Prescott. Prescott has thrown for 300 yards in each of his last 3 games, and has thrown 18 TD’s to only 1 INT on the season. That’s a crazy stat.

It makes sense though because everyone knows that “Dak” people are usually better athletes.

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Bama fans should be a little bit worried this weekend. Yes, the Bama defense has been the best in the country this season, but how about the offense? Take away Derrick Henry, and they are not very impressive. They haven’t thrown  a TD in their last 3 games, AND they rank 125th in the country in yards per catch. Gross.

If Mississippi St can shut down Derrick Henry then this game will fall on Jacob Coker. And, no Bama fan wants that to happen. The good news is that Miss St. is giving up 167 rush ypg, and even gave up 215 yards on the ground to woeful Missouri last week.

Score – Bama 24 Miss St 20

Booze – Ciroc and Sprite. With Grenadine. Few things help a hangover like Sprite. I know the vodka seems excessive, but “Dak” people love Ciroc almost as much as they love Sprite and anything Cherry flavored. That’s why this drink AKA “The La’Shure’Lee Tem’Pill” is perfect for Starkville on Saturday. The Bulldogs will need to rally behind something more than that doughy faced youtube star that looks like Paul Blart with a technical degree this weekend.

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State fans are expecting Davis Wade stadium to be “electric.” Can you imagine how loud 61,000+ people will be on Saturday? It will be almost as loud as a movie theater full of “Dak” people watching a scary movie with Madea in it. So, pour up another styrofoam cup of dis’ red drank, and turn up Starkville to give your QB a late push for the Heisman. Why? Because #DakLivesMatter.

UGA @ Auburn (-2)

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This is my absolute favorite game of the year. Every year. Georgia vs. Auburn is the absolute epitome of Southern Football.

It’s the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry, and Saturday will mark the 119th time the two teams have played since the first game was held in my backyard/ Piedmont Park.

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It’s kind of a shame that this game has lost its luster this season. Neither team lived up to their preseason hype. But, that doesn’t mean that this game won’t matter when they tee it up on the Plains this weekend.

There are a lot of interesting storylines in this game. Will either team have an answer at QB? Will either team build off their win from a week ago? But, the most interesting part of this game for me is the fact that the line in Vegas opened up Sunday favoring the Bulldogs by 2. Within 24 hours that line was bet in favor of the Tigers so much that Auburn was favored by 1.5 points on Monday night.

That NEVER happens. Is Vegas baiting people? Was Auburn’s road win against A&M that impressive? Or, is UGA really that bad?

I don’t know, and honestly I don’t fucking care. There’s literally no team in the country that I would trust Auburn to be favored over. And why would I be? They’re ranked last in the SEC in defense (despite having the highest paid Defensive Coordinator in the conference). AND, they’re actually giving up more points than they’re scoring after 9 games. That’s pathetic.

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Score – UGA 23 Auburn 21

Booze – Whiskey Sour. Old Fashioned with Extra Bitters was my first choice. But, Whiskey Sour seems much more appropriate. This is the Deep South’s oldest Rivalry. It’s a tradition as old as secret sips of lukewarm whiskey from a flask underneath the Spanish moss at a summer wedding in Savannah.

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This has always been my favorite SEC game every year, and usually there is something at stake in this game. And, when I say something at stake I’m not talking about pride and a birth in the fucking Belk Bowl.

However that’s not the case in 2015, and I can’t think of two prideful fanbases with a worse taste in their mouth than UGA and Auburn. Both were preseason Top 10. Both had preseason Heisman Candidates.

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And, now it’s week 11…and both teams are playing each other in the noon game on CBS with a JV broadcast crew hoping to create better ratings than whatever bullshit Big 10 game ESPN is showing with that ginger lesbo doing play-by-play.

Go ahead and make that Whiskey Sour with a salt rim I guess.

Week 12 Picks

Florida Atlantic @ Florida (-29) – Florida 38-7
The Citadel @ South Carolina (No Line) – USC 38-10
LSU @ Ole Miss (-7) – LSU 31-30
Idaho @ Auburn – Auburn (-33) – Auburn 48-10
Charleston Southern @ Alabama (No Line) – Alabama 41-6
Mississippi State @ Arkansas (-3.5) – Arkansas 38-34
Georgia Southern @ UGA (-13.5) – UGA 38-17
Tennessee @ Missouri (+6) – Tennessee 27-17
Texas A&M @ Vandy (-6.5) – A&M 28-21
Charlotte @ Kentucky (-23.5) – Kentucky 38-13

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