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The Ultimate Guide to Talking Sh*t

There are a lot of traditions that make college football great:  Tailgating, touchdowns, and my personal favorite — terribly offensive comments to your arch rival.

People are so easily offended nowadays. The wave of political correctness in this country has caused more sensitivity than a geriatric’s molars after a pint of Butter Pecan. I’m here to speak out against that stance of softness. So, in honor of rivalry week I put together a complete guide to talking shit. Consider it your handbook for horribly offending opposing fans, teams, players, etc.

This article isn’t  meant to be hateful or hurtful in any way. It’s meant to provide detailed instructions on how to get under someone’s skin, win a war of words, and end your night/season with an epic mic drop.

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1. No Cliches/ Be Original.
Even as an Alabama fan I can’t tell you how tired I am of people talking shit to Auburn fans by saying, “Hell man, what are y’all a Tiger or a War Eagle? Right? AMIRITE?!”

In the same way, it’s unbelievable how many times I engage someone in a back and forth about Alabama, and the first thing out of their mouth is something about bad teeth, being inbred, or fucking your cousin. Do you have any idea how dumb it sounds for someone from Mississippi or Arkansas to make fun of someone from Alabama? It’s like Stevie Wonder making fun of Helen Keller for losing a game of I Spy.

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Be original. This isn’t a karaoke competition. Nobody wins by saying or singing the same ol’ tune someone’s already said a million times before. Don’t make fun of their tendencies of incest or terrible dental plans.
Say something like, “Talladega is a poor man’s Daytona,” and watch people in camo cutoff shirts lose their goddamn minds for literally no reason.

Better yet, drop a line like that on a message board so you can see them reply with, “A pour man’s Daytona? You’re loosing you’re mind.”

2. Make strong references, metaphors, and comparisons.
Keeping with the theme from our last point, a good metaphor, comparison, and/or reference will go a long way in winning a shit talking battle.

For instance, everyone makes fun of Lou Holtz’s lisp. But, how do you make your insult different in a sea of similar disses? Easy. Bring up something different/more hurtful i.e. his terrible wrinkly skin.

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So, instead of making the same joke about him not being able to pronounce his “S’s” correctly say something like, “I’ve seen shipwrecks at the bottom of the ocean age better than Lou Holtz.”

Or, “Lou Holth’s fathe lookth like a ball schack that jusht got out of the bath tub.” See, now you’ve not only made a hilarious reference, but you also included, and improved, a previous reference with a new spin.

Other examples include…
– Big 10 Football is slower than Oprah’s metabolism.
– Tim Tebow cries more than Adele on her period.

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– Jameis Winston steals free Wi-Fi.
– Nick Saban is more scared of Urban Meyer than one of Charlie Sheen’s exes are at the gynecologist.

3. Delivery is Key.
My best friend Jeff once told me to not yell in an argument because your message will be lost. Don’t believe me? Raise your voice to your girlfriend next time you’re trying to watch your offense run a 2-minute drill and she’s drilling you with questions about the dishes and her insecurities. You’ll lose that battle 9 out of 10 times.

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Nothing frustrates an irrational screaming lunatic more than a calm and measured person firing back with subtle jabs of logic and seemingly non-provoking banter. Ultimately your calm demeanor will become so frustrating the person screaming will trip over his own words, confuse himself, or say something so incredibly stupid you will win the argument because the short tempered asshole will embarrass himself into defeat.

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Namaste bitches.

4. Be Aggressive! B-E Passive Aggressive!
This goes along with delivery, but being passive aggressive is an extremely effective way to winning an argument. Just ask my stepdad.

Remember the three S’s of effective passive aggression — Smarmy, Smirks, and Sarcasm.

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Some examples would be comments like:
– “Did he not see him?” after an interception. Or, “I thought you said they weren’t any good” after a huge upset.
– Also, “Well, at least they played hard” and “there’s always next year” are a few of my personal favorites after a loss.
– Or, if you think you’re ready for next level type shit (and can take a punch) wait a few hours after a horrible loss, and casually ask an opposing fan, “Hey how was the game?” And just smile.

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5. Know Your Opponent.
Do you know why Patrick Swayze was such a bad ass in Road House? Because of his feathered mullet and tight black t-shirt. Duh. Do you know why else? Because he “never underestimated his opponent.” Ignoring this rule will leave you more embarrassed and blindsided than Ronda Rousey taking a roundhouse to the face.

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Shit talking isn’t a game y’all. Ignorance and misinformation will get you killed in the streets/tailgates. You don’t want to lose an argument because you didn’t do your homework or were misinformed on important stats. This isn’t a GOP Debate guys. A little research during the road trip to the game will come in handy.

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Be sure to highlight the important stuff like – Infamous alumni/fans, embarrassing moments, or how shitty their city/town is. A few examples are:
– Tennessee’s playoff chances are faker than Kenny Chesney’s calf implants.

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– Matthew McConaughey’s Buick commercial is still less embarrassing than Texas Football.
– Mantei Teo’s Girlfriend: Always the Bridesmaid. Never Alive.
– I’d rather live in Syria than Starkville.

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6. Fans and Failures are Fairgame.

There’s a fine line between talking shit, and being an ignorant outspoken asshole just embarrassing your fanbase. Keep that in mind before you engage in a battle between you and someone in opposing colors. (I once told an 8-year-old wearing an Auburn hoodie at an Atlanta Thrashers game to “enjoy being average for the rest of his life” in front of his father. What can I say? I didn’t choose the thug life. The thug life chose me.)

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This type of behavior is (borderline) acceptable in late November against your in-state rival. However, if you find yourself shit talking a 7-year-old in late September then we have a whole different set of issues to address. If it’s a meaningless to semi-important game you don’t need your best stuff. I mean, nobody brings their best material to an open mic do they?

For these games you want to stick to the basics: fans, funny, and failures. Examples include…

You’re an Ohio State fan playing a road game at Purdue you don’t need to spit the same venom you would later in the year at Ann Arbor. Say something like, “Congrats on being famous for Drew Brees and an alcoholic mascot (The Boilermakers). I’d be an alcoholic too if I had a birthmark bigger than your fanbase.”

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Headed to the Iron Bowl? Perfect Gameday sign: “Bama fans burn more trees than a struggling rapper that’s featuring on a Wiz Khalifa World Tour.”

Pre-gaming on campus at Georgia Tech? “I’ve never seen this many Asians in one place without free samples of Sesame Chicken.”

7. Puns (and make believe) are Fun!
Some of the best insults/signs are the ones that have literally no credible truth to them at all. But, fuck it. Just let your imagination run as wild as the mob mentality of your rabid fanbase. Wild accusations and fictitious facts are always a fan favorite.

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You don’t like my football team? Well, I don’t like that your coach takes baths while listening to Adele. You hate my favorite player? Your quarterback hates Rocky IV and loves Ed Hardy fanny packs.

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Even better than hilarious lies though are puns. They’re so sophomoric and simple that they’re usually fucking genius. Making a clever hashtag or play on words for a trendy topic will never not be funny.

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I literally fell off a sidewalk in Athens this year because of a Dry Cleaner Marquee that said, “Lane Kiffin? More like Lame Kiffin.” And, I almost pissed my pants when I saw this sign at the Michigan St-Oregon game…

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8. (Almost) Nothing is off limits.

I’m probably not the best person to use as your moral compass, but honestly, almost anything goes. It’s just sports. They’re just words. As long as it’s not about cancer or someone who was a tragic feature in a Tom Rinaldi special then you’re ok in my book.

Is it wrong to make fun of a current or former player/fan/coach who has a debilitating disease? Yes. Is it wrong to point out the horrible/despicable tendencies of your fanbase? Absolutely not.

The gloves should come off for big games.

Tailgating at Temple? Excellent time to make a roofie-colada reference or just wear a terrible sweater and obnoxiously guard/cover your drink when you’re around Owl fans.

Bill Cosby attends the Mayor's Cup Inaugural Football Game between the Temple Owls and the Villanova Wildcats at the Lincoln Financial Field on September 3, 2009 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Mayor's Cup Inaugural Football Game: Temple Owls vs. Villanova Wildcats Lincoln Financial Field Philadelphia, PA United States September 3, 2009 Photo by Gilbert Carrasquillo/FilmMagic.com To license this image (58232151), contact FilmMagic.com

Road game in Happy Valley? Be sure to play Remix to Ignition on and incessantly ask Nittany Lion fans who would be a worse invite to a “Baby Shower” — R. Kelly or Jerry Sandusky? (And, if you think that’s fucked up I’ll just remind you that he’s the one who wrote a book called “Touched.”)

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Or, sometimes keeping it simple is the best play i.e. going to a game at Mizzou and carrying a sign that reads, “Michael Sam is Gay.” Think about it. It’s so honestly accurate that it’s genius. People will be offended and angry for sure. But, it would be worth it just to see the look of confusion as they try to process it. It’s like figuring out the movie Inception.

Missouri defensive lineman Michael Sam catches the football at the 2014 NFL Scouting Combine at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, on February 23, 2014. (AP Photo/David Drapkin).

I hope this was helpful and that you’re now ready to go this weekend. Just remember these tips, and best of luck to your team and to you not getting the shit kicked out of you!

If you’re still somehow confused or need a little help then here are some of my favorites…

Alabama – You have more fake titles than Dwight from The Office.
Army West Point – Army loses to seamen more than an unplanned pregnancy. Go Navy.
Auburn Tigers – Nobody recruits Scared Straight Programs quite like the Tigers. Nobody.
Baylor Bears – Your offense is still the second most explosive thing in Waco.
BYU – I Ubered to your game on a Huffy.
Clemson – Dabo from Clemson. Deebo from Friday. Both are gonna eventually get knocked the fuck out.
Connecticut – The best athletes at your school have ovaries and wear pantsuits. Gross.
Duke – No one will ever fear your football team as much as your lacrosse team.
Florida – The only thing worse than swamp ass in jorts is clubbing with Aaron Hernandez.
Florida State – FSU runs through the ACC like it was a drunk co-ed at a Jameis Winston house party.
Georgia – They’re like the band Journey. Somehow relevant, but hasn’t accomplished shit since 1980.
Georgia State – Continuing the Atlanta tradition of never winning a championship.
Georgia Tech – This campus has more Asians than a Hello Kitty store in Tokyo.
LSU – Nothing says “SEC tradition” like functioning alcoholics who can’t spell the word “go” correctly.
Louisville – Your coaches have more marital problems than an episode of Cheaters.
Maryland – How the fuck do you make your mascot a turtle and it’s not even a ninja?
Michigan – Your football team sucks, but at least you have Detroit and Kid Rock to be proud of.
Michigan State – Even Detroit’s economy is more respected than you in Big 10 country.
Missouri Tigers – Back to back SEC East titles AND the most racist school in the SEC? Impressive.
Navy – It says a lot that even The Village People thought you were gay.
Notre Dame – I wish Catholic priests were a little less anal retentive and more anal repentive…
Ohio State – Playing ranked teams must be Ohio State’s gag reflex because it always makes them choke.
Oklahoma – Bob Stoops is still less likable than Timothy McVeigh
Oregon – 29340823 uiniforms. ZERO championships.
Tennessee – UT avoids winning like I avoid eye contact with a black homeless guy after a Braves game.
Texas – Texas football is the most embarrassing thing in this state since that JFK parade in the 1960’s.
Texas A&M – If I wanted to hug dudes during a sing-a-long I’d go to a Pride festival.
Vanderbilt – Bragging about beating Vandy is like bragging about having a threesome with conjoined twins.
West Virginia – West Virginia’s economy in 3 words – Meth, Moonshine, and Mountaineer football.

1 Comment on The Ultimate Guide to Talking Sh*t

  1. My turn – in #4 you left out Seagrams and Salems
    #6 – How about late July, outside Fenway Park, and bending down to say “Yankees suck” to an 8 year old girl wearing an NY hat? Because I may know a grown man who may have done that.
    And don’t be talking smack about Georgia State because we will kick your ass in Psychology.

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