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The Honest Holiday Letter

There are a lot of great Christmas traditions we look forward to every December. Things like hanging ornaments, making Gingerbread houses, and power drinking to cope having to be around your extended family are a few of my favorite holiday habits. But, there is one tradition I wish would die immediately – The Holiday Letter. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a 2 page thesis of boring narcissism about your family. People that do this are the fucking worst and are usually less likable than the Grinch or that asshole Ginger bully from A Christmas Story.

So, if you’re thinking about sending one – don’t because I’ve already written it for you. You’re welcome.

Seasons Greetings Friends,
As our Christmas trees and decorations go up and the time we have in 2015 wind down the King’s would like to wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and yours this CHRISTMAS season. Sorry for the emphasis on Christmas, but these “3 King’s” (times 2! Because there are 6 of us LOLOL) refuse to take the CHRIST out of Christmas. We are delighted to share in the season of love and giving by lovingly giving you roughly 1500 words of boredom recapping our uneventful, but lengthy, 2015.

The blessings of this year were abundant early as my wonderful husband, Ron, received a huge promotion at work. The “King of the House” as he calls himself LOL was promoted to Store Manager at the Little Caesar’s next to the Belk in Cartersville. It’s the 7th busiest Little Caesar’s in the Tri-County area, but when asked if he was up for the challenge Ron said, “I am hot! AND ready!” As only Ron could hehehe.

But the accomplishments didn’t stop there for Ron. In addition to the 4 figure salary promotion, Ron also bowled his first 200 game this past November in the Cartersville Baptist Church Men’s League, and he was also featured in the local paper for his 3rd place finish in the annual American Legion Chili Cookoff! If only our love life was as hot as his chili am I right?!?!

Our oldest son Bradford started his (2nd) Senior year at State. We’re proud of the hard work he’s put in this past semester. In addition to the 12 hours of classes, Bradford was also named assistant treasurer of the Kappa Sigma fraternity and participated in over 200 hours of (court appointed) community service. We were also extremely blessed one of his fraternity brother’s fathers was a lawyer and was able to get Brad’s 2nd DUI dropped to reckless driving.

Our oldest daughter Carol started her second year of college by changing her major from Art History to Women’s Studies. She seems to be loving school and has made so many friends and wasalso named starting catcher of the Softball team! She’s changed so much over the past year, as she’s taken a great interest in politics, crew cuts, and flannel. We don’t always see eye to eye with her socialist agenda, but we are proud of the handsome young woman she’s blossoming into.

Our youngest child/ mistake Landon started 7th grade this year! Honestly there’s not much to report on Landon. We gave him an Xbox and a pair of Beats By Dre headphones for his birthday in May, and we haven’t really seen him since. Some highlights of his year include: getting an A in Social Studies, a participation trophy for soccer, and he was one of only 5 kids who didn’t get lice after the outbreak at Springbrook Middle this October. Guess you could say he was Head & Shoulders above the other kids…LOL! Yay Landon!

We also had another blessing and addition to the family this year! We got a rescue cat from the humane society. With Ron’s new promotion and my overwhelming sense of loneliness and unfulfilled dreams – I decided to get a pet! The kids named him Sofa. Not really sure why, but I think it’s because he sleeps on the Sofa. Anyway, he’s been quite a handful. I mean some cats are mean, but then there is Sofa King mean. Last week he peed on our advent calendar and broke my mother’s earn then stared at me blankly while I cried into a throw pillow. He’s so playful and just like the children – Ron and I are hoping it’s just a phase.

As for me – Beverly – I have had another outstanding year! I finally retired from my Substitute teaching job at the local daycare, and I’ve had a lot of time on my hands. I’ve spent much of that time finding new hobbies like: knitting, Sudoku, Chardonnay, and regret! I also crossed one thing off on my bucket list, as I was able to attend a live taping of Ellen earlier this year! I’m sure you saw it on my Facebook along with my 389283 requests for you to play Candy Crush (If you haven’t started playing you really should!). Other highlights include getting my thyroid condition under control and  finishing over 65 puzzles!

From all of the Kings we hope that your year was as uneventful and underwhelming as ours. We also wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year. I hope Santa brings lots of toys and presents to you and yours. All I asked Santa for was Donald Trump to be our president so we can make this country average again!

Blessings,
The Kings

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