In honor of March Madness – I decided to continue my March tradition of cynical observations by ranking the worst things about people. The first year I discussed white girls and basic betches. Last year I made fun of douchey bros. This year I decided to expand my horizons and cover a broader scale of douchebaggery. So, here is your Sweet 16 of The Worst People on Social Media.
Just missing the cut were – engagement photos, Twitter trolls, and people who still poke on Facebook. However, we have a very strong field. Sorry in advance if you find this offensive. I definitely wrote it with #NoFilter. Enjoy…
#1 Political Rants vs. #4 Etsy Artists
Maybe this would be a better matchup if it wasn’t an election year.
Now, don’t get me wrong because Etsy “artists” are annoying as shit. Hey girl I went to high school with, I understand that your degree in Art History left you with only two career options: 1) Elementary School Art Teacher or 2) Freelance Jewelry Artist. That’s fine. What’s not fine is pedaling turquoise rings or birthstone necklaces and calling it a career. We get it Miss Lippy, but I’m not gonna give you $20 for a glorified Macaroni necklace no matter how much glue you’ve sniffed.
Politics is a clear winner here. It’s the worst. Hey everyone, gather around and listen to what I’m about to say. It’s very important.
Nobody gives a shit about your political views on social media. ESPECIALLY if you’re an ignorant asshole who never left the same small town we went to high school in.
The reason I originally joined Facebook was for Spring Break bikini pics and to see if the girl who friend zoned me in high school put on the freshman 15. That’s it.
If I cared about what my 11th grade Lab Partner’s political views were then I’d just go visit him while he was assistant managing a TGIFriday’s. Tell me about your 2 for $20 menu and not about Bernie Sanders being a socialist. Thanks.
Winner – #1 Political Rants – Political rants from people who peaked in high school are way worse than some beauty school drop out with gauge earrings selling homemade jewelry made of bamboo and broken dreams.
#2 Over-Selfie-Taker vs. #3 Over Hashtagger
Just a classic knock-down drag out of attention starved narcissism.
I’ve been a perpetuator of being an over hashtagger on more than one occasion. Am I proud? No. But I love puns. And, to this day I’m still upset about the lack of attention “#CustardyBattle” got from a Thanksgiving Day post about fat kids with divorced parents.
The over selfie taker doesn’t have an excuse. You’re just on some next level narcissism. I am impressed with the confidence though. It takes balls to take a gym selfie in a roomful of people where at least 5 people are in better shape and at least 1 was taking another pic making fun of you. #Blessed #FitFam #FitLife
Winner – #2 Over-Selfie Taker
I may be being defensive here, but overzealous attempts at being “funny” will never be as sad as seeing a 7 trying to become a 10 through lighting, filters, or a goddam stick to create an angle to hide a double chin or years of bad decisions. I don’t need a daily update of you aging and becoming increasingly more vain.
#1 Political Rants vs. #2 Overselfie Takers
Winner – #1 Political Rant. Stop trying to change everyone’s mind. The only time my opinion was changed from a tweet or status is when a buddy of mine said Sister Act 2 was better than the original. I went back and watched both. Turns out John from Colorado was right…But, I still don’t give a fuck about John’s political views.
#1 Famous from Filters vs. #4 TV/ Movie Spoilers
People who feel the need to post on social media IMMEDIATELY after they see the latest popular movie installment or episode of a TV show are either – 1) assholes 2) only children needing attention or 3) both. That’s it. Hey asshole, some of us have other shit going on in our lives. Can you not post updates on our favorite shows like you’re Walter Cronkite or fucking TMZ like it’s breaking news?
Worse than people ruining Walking Dead finales are the vapid assholes who have somehow managed to become “Insta-Famous” and consider themselves models.
Pretty people have always had it easy in this country. But hot girls have especially been given a free pass from reality or responsibility. Don’t believe me? Look at Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, or the Hanson sisters.
However, there is no bigger safe haven/ safety net from being a real person for hot girls than the friendly confines of the filtered internet. Hot girls on social media write their own ticket to “fame” and “fortune” faster than that rich kid whose parents bought a zillion Wonka bars. A thousand followers or a thousand dollars are easy to come by as long as cleavage shots in Valencia are on deck.
Winner – #1 Famous from Filters – In a landslide. I’d rather tune into a newsfeed every Sunday filled with spoilers and DVR damming surprises rather than see a GED-holding “Goddess” pretend 10k followers is an actual accomplishment.
#2 Horny Creeps vs. #3 Group Pics on Dating Apps
Dating Apps are basically a database of screenshots and previews of who you actually are in hopes of meeting someone who will fill your void. I don’t mind them for the most part. However, the one gripe I do have are the assholes who hide their identity through a series of group pics. Stop it.
There’s no need to give me a pseudo police lineup of potential pussy. I’m trying to find bae not solve a riddle. Stop setting us up for failure!. I mean for fucks sake you can literally choose 5 options out of literally EVERY picture you’ve ever taken in your entire goddam life. So, why post a series of pics while you synchronize jumping at the beach with your biffles.
Horny creeps wins hands down. Social media perverts are the fucking worst. Hey, we get it, we all appreciate a beautiful body, face, person, etc. And, there is literally an endless amount of searchable babes on the internet. Sometimes we need that vice.
You know what we don’t need? Some dude named Randall taking a break from his IT job to let a bikini model know that he’ll eat her booty like groceries. That’s why chivalry is dead Randall!
Winner – #2 Horny Creeps. Fuck off Randall. And, if you’re going to cyber assault girls please change your profile pic to something other than a close up of your mustache and transition lensed glasses.
#1 Famous from Filters vs. #2 Horny Creeps
Winner – #2 Horny Creeps. This is the best matchup of the Sweet 16, and it was a close race. However, Horny Creeps win because there is nothing grosser than seeing someone use “I wanna fuck your face” as a pickup line in someone’s mentions.
#1 Baby Shit & Gender Reveals vs. #4 300 Seconds of SnapChat Hoarding
Snapchat is mostly overrated in my opinion. Outside of dick pics that disappear after 10 seconds I don’t really see the appeal. The worst kind of snap chatter though is the person who decides to repeatedly max out their snap story to a full 300 seconds. Hey Gretchen, I don’t need a 300 second video of you figuring out how to make a lean cuisine and walking your yorkie.
Then there are Gender Reveals and Baby Shit. Jesus. Christ. I turn 30 in May. I honestly thought the worst part of this life transition would be my career indecision or the abnormal growth of hair in undesired orifices. Nope. It’s watching that douchey frat brother of yours post a video of him joint-hand cutting a cake or releasing balloons out of a cardboard box while his (former) friends wait with (not so) baited breath to find out if his first (non-accidental) child is a boy or a girl. I’d rather wear depends than watch those videos unexpectedly fill up my newsfeed. At least then I could choose if I wanted to see this shit.
Winner – #1 Baby Shit & Gender Reveals. And, it’s not even close.
#2 Clickbait All-Stars vs. #3 Game Invites
This is an odd matchup. Game Invites are a lot like jokes about Coldplay or Nickelback – Two years ago they’d be a #1 seed as a frontrunner for hate. Not the case now.
Don’t get me wrong. I hate looking at my notifications and seeing 6 updates only to click on that and see that 5 of them are from some 2nd cousin begging me to play FarmVille or Candy Crush because they’re out of food stamps and new episodes of Maury to keep them entertained.
But, the only thing worse than those invites is scrolling down your newsfeed to a bevy of clickbait trolls which is basically just TMZ articles turned anecdotes. Think about that. There’s a million things you could read, see, or educate yourself on while scouring the internet. However, we’re so dumb as a society that the moment we see a still frame of a fistfight or massive back zit we will stop what we’re doing and open up a rabbit hole of clickable curiosity.
Winner – #2 Clickbait All Stars. Honestly, it’s because I still somehow fall into this trap, and I hate myself for it. I’m not sure why I can’t say no, but if you really want to know why then what happens next will be shocking…
#1 Baby Shit & Gender Reveals vs. #2 Click Bait All Stars
Winner – #1 Baby Shit & Gender Reveals. Can you just fucking go to Olan Mills please? Also save the sonogram pics for your fridge. The only thing that looks weirder than your 2nd trimester alien baby was your awful train track themed engagement photos.
#1 Fur Parents & Pet Photos vs. #4 Dramatic Status Divas
Drama queens posting vague statuses, tweets, and updates about their lives are more of a staple to social media than stocks are to Wall Street. Honestly, sad and dramatic Facebook statuses/ cries for attention are my guilty pleasure on social media. Sorry, but nothing makes me feel better about my underachievement quite like someone live journaling their breakup or divorce through status updates.
Then there are the people who incessantly post pics and videos of animals. Now, for the most part these people get a free pass. They’re kinda like Republicans. They seem fun and harmless at first. They post a video that’s entertaining and borderline cute, and you’re like, “Oh shit! I do love Corgis. Maybe I do like this person.” Then they post 48 hours worth of PETA videos and try to peer-pressure you into watching ‘Blackfish.” And, you’re like, “Hey let’s pump the fucking breaks. I was on your bandwagon of decency until you started interrupting my Tuesday with racism and videos about murders at SeaWorld.” Jesus.
Winner – #4 Dramatic Status Diva. Pretty huge upset here, but it totally makes sense because there’s nothing worse than wading through your newsfeed and seeing a 30 year old adult turn into a self-loathing teenager because they had a bad day at work.
#2 Shameless Self Promoters vs. #3 Yelp Reviewers
As a comedian there is literally nothing worse than self-promoting comedians. We are literally the most insecure and narcissistic “artists” in the world. Yet, we’ll still be supportive of the struggle. That is until one of our peers changes their goddam name to Chris YouWannaSlapYoMamaHeSoFunny Marler as their actual fucking name on Facebook. Stop. It’s hard to take that seriously when you promote your next show and it’s an open mic at an abandoned Applebees turned TitleMax.
Then there are Yelp Reviewers. As a comedian you could’ve already guessed that I am also in the service industry. Those two “professions” go together better than peanut butter and jelly or racism and incorrect grammar. Yelp reviewers are the worst. Yes, sometimes it is helpful to hear what a jury full of strangers says about that new place on the West Side you’ve been wanting to take bae to for date night.
However, Yelp is all to often the platform for angry people who want a soapbox to complain about how their entitlement wasn’t met. Get over yourself Brenda. You’re not a foodie. You’re just an asshole.
Winner – #3 Yelp Reviewers – This is tough. However, the only thing worse than seeing a girl you went to high school with pedal Mary Kay products on your timeline is seeing someone get fired because of a paragraph of passive aggression on Yelp.
#4 Dramatic Status Diva vs. #3 Yelp Reviewers
Winner – #3 Yelp Reviewers. I’m bias here, but there is literally nothing worse than a keyboard warrior who could get someone fired because it took a minute to get their 16th Diet Coke refill or the steak I didn’t cook wasn’t to your liking. If you can vent about your dining experience then I should be allowed to put you on blast for being a shitty administrative assistant who can only type 30 words per minute because of her side hobby of being an amateur food critic.
Final Four – #1 Political Rants #1 Baby Shit & Gender Reveals #2 Horny Creeps #3 Yelp Reviewers