After watching both conventions from each respective party I’ve finally decided who I am voting for – Donald J Trump.
There are a number of reasons why I think Trump is the best fit to be our president. And, while you may not agree, I will be happy to tell you why my uninformed passion cannot be swayed.
Trump says stuff y’all. I mean a lot of stuff. Sometimes, I don’t even know what the stuff he’s saying is about. But, watching him speak makes me comfortable. Honestly, his whole candidacy makes me comfortable. Is he experienced? No. But, neither was George Washington, and I’m pretty sure that guy did pretty well. AMIRITE?!
Listen, I know Trump can sometimes be a little uncouth, even offensive at times. However, he is white, and I like that. After all, most of the politicians I can even name have been white. Honestly, the only non-white politician I can think of is Obama, and if it wasn’t for the “Nobama” bumper sticker I have next to my Salt Life decal on my F-150 I probably wouldn’t even know his name. I’m not racist. I love Kevin Hart, and I even went to see that NWA movie last year. But, c’mon now it’s called “The White House” for a reason.
Another reason I like Trump is because money. I can’t really elaborate on that, but when I think of Trump I think of money. I mean has he had some massive failures in business? I don’t really know. Jane, one of my liberal coworkers, told me he went bankrupt 4 separate times, but I don’t really listen to that mess because she’s a lesbian and doesn’t like sports. All I know is that when I think of Trump I think of money. And when I think of money I immediately associate that (very poor) correlation with our economy. And THAT makes me 100% believe that Trump will fix our economy and make me more money. I don’t really know how because he hasn’t explained it yet, but I know that my hunting buddies said he’d lower taxes because Obama.
I know that sounds weird when I say “because Obama” as the reasoning, but I’m sure you get it.
Another reason I like Trump is the fact that he’s in the same party that my family usually votes for. I’ve never been much into politics to be honest. News usually bores me. I’m much more into things like college football, shiny things that distract me, and prank shows on Tru Tv.
Most of my political ties and affiliations I’m so entrenched in are strictly because of things my family says. I mean some of my earliest memories were of my Grandpa crushing Miller High Life’s and telling me how Democrats were just pussies who wanted free money and rights for queers. I usually don’t pay attention to this stuff, but this year has been different.
I was pretty undecided until my family members that I’m friends with on Facebook started posting stuff from their favorite news sources on my NewsFeed. I had no idea that Hillary was such a criminal until my cousin Frank shared a link from a Bill O’Reilly rant. And, I had no idea that Trump was so understanding of the 2nd Amendment until my Aunt ranted about gun control after a recent tragedy.
People want to hate on Trump because he isn’t a politician. They say, “Oh, he’s just a celebrity and probably isn’t fit to run the country.” To that I say…Ok. Fair point. But, don’t judge me because I want the host of The Apprentice to run the country. Don’t judge me because I want the leader of the free world to be the same person who built one of the best casinos in all of Atlantic City, NJ. You say a celebrity isn’t fit to be president, and I say that this is the land of opportunity! This is the land where you can become something out of nothing! THIS IS THE LAND WHERE 4.2 MILLION PEOPLE VOTED TO HAVE KINDERGARTEN COP BECOME THE GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA!
Lastly, and possibly the most important reason, as to why I’m voting for Donald Trump – I fear change. This is a scary world we live in. Our closest Ally just left the European Union, the national debt is at an all time high, and Burger King is selling hot dogs. Nothing is sacred anymore. In times like this there is only one safe thing I know to do. And, that is to cling onto EVERY SINGLE familiarity I can, so that I feel safe. So, you have to ask yourself, do you feel safe with a president in a pantsuit with shady iCloud storage AND a vagina?!
Or, do you feel safe with the familiar face of an entitled, white privileged, sociopathic MAN with a limp dick and inferiority complex who won’t take your guns, won’t raise your taxes, will punish women for abortion, will build a wall around our favorite cruise destination, will denounce the current administration while allowing his wife to plagiarize from their past speeches, will have the best words, and most importantly 100% NO IF ANDS OR BUTS ABOUT IT WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT give anything close to a literal fuck in regards to the ACTUAL well being of individual American citizens because the only thing more important than continuing to be the most powerful country on Earth is the individual pride that comes with winning a popularity contest during something he views as nothing more than a self-gratifying hobby.
Personally, my hobbies are amateur carpentry, resisting progress, and working on an ’88 Trans Am I got at a police auction last fall. So, I admire the courage and dedication that Donald Trump has to feeling validated at the expense of others.
And, THAT is why this November, I will do my civic duty and make a vote that affects the livelihood and future of the entire country purely based on my own experiences, beliefs, and needs.
So come on guys, let’s make America Great For Me Again!