It’s finally here! We fucking made it you guys!
This Saturday will be Christmas morning for college football fans everywhere (Thursday is Chanukah for those of you playing a weak ass out of conference schedule), as the start of a new season finally gets underway. It actually seems better than Christmas to be honest. And, no offense Jesus, but the lineup of games is way more exciting than those bullshit gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh you got. We’ve got 4 top 25 matchups as well as 3 other high profile non-conference matchups in the SEC. My nipples are harder than a 9th grad Algebra test y’all.
First, let’s get reacquainted. How have you been? How are the kids? What’s new?
I’ve had an interesting year. In my downtime of drunkenly writing this blog I’ve had a few accomplishments. I had a Facebook post about period sweatpants go viral, I had a TV show pilot fail, and about 3 weeks ago I was shot while jogging in broad daylight in Atlanta.
Sooooo, tough 2016 by most accounts. However, Alabama still enters the year as the defending national champion, and having something go viral besides my HPV was a win. Even though not everyone can be a champion like myself – I hope your 2016 was full of better accomplishments and less shrapnel. That being said let’s kickoff the 2016 year with Week 1’s games…
Appalachian St @ Tennessee (-20) – 7:30 PM SEC Network
Tennessee opens the season in an unfamiliar position – they’re actually picked to win. As a surprise to nobody this preseason hype has led to a lot of overconfidence from UT fans. Hell, I’d be confident too if I returned 18 starters and had a senior QB in the running for the Heisman despite his completion percentage being almost as inconsistent as the growth of his eyebrows.
Regardless, the Vols should be the best team to come out of SEC Least division. So, let me just kick off the 2016 season by announcing myself as the official flag bearing HATER of this team. Listen, the Vols are gonna be good, but how bout everyone dressed in orange overalls and mediocrity pump the breaks for a minute and hold that shit talk until you beat Bama or Florida for the first time in a decade?
Also, winning the SEC East with the Vols talent is about as impressive as winning an arm wrestling competition against a field of kids with Bell’s palsy.
PS – If you’re offended now it’s gonna be a long season guys.
Score – Kenny Chesney’s Fan Club 45 App St 17
Booze – White Lightning Moonshine. Why? This makes the most sense as this booze comes from the same foothills of unapologetic backwoods ignorance and tradition that these two schools have. Not only will both schools challenge you on the football field, but they will sure as shit challenge you on the correct pronunciation of the “ch” in Appalachian. This booze is perfect for this game not only because of it’s geographic significance, but also because I literally just found out that Josh Dobbs has alopecia and isn’t just an albino. Which is obviously disappointing because “White Lightning” would be literally the best nickname ever for an albino dual threat QB.
South Carolina @ Vandy (-4.5) – 8:00 PM ESPN
Having this game as the first SEC matchup of the year is a bigger blue ball than your prom date being on her period. Trust me.
This game doesn’t have the feel of a matchup of division rivals as much as it does of a fight between white trash cousins who nobody likes that are just gonna pull on each other’s perms until somebody blows a whistle after 60 minutes pleading that enough is enough.
Despite the point spread, I’ll go with Carolina for 2 reasons –
1. Vandy was an underdog to Middle Tennessee St last year.
2. My sister is a freshman at USC. She’s also a genius, and I don’t want to pick against her because I’m 100% gonna have to borrow money from her one day.
Fun fact about my sister is that she is 17, skipped two grades to enroll in college early, and last week she took a series of French tests revealing that she is fluent in French which allowed her to skip to graduate level courses. On that same day, I was 30 minutes late to my bartending job because I forgot shoes….Not a joke.
Hopefully Muschamp and the Gamecocks are less underwhelming for my sister than her own genetics…
Score – USC 17 Vandy 14
Booze – Smith & Forge Hard Cider. Why? Because it’s the perfect embodiment of trying too hard to be something you’re not. Just like this game. Ciders are – what’s the most politically correct way to say this? For pussies. They’re delicious. They’re light. And, they’re a great drink during the fall. But, can we stop trying to pretend their tougher than they are? Promoting this as a tough, manly “beer” is like pretending that AJ from the Backstreet Boys was actually a Bad Boy. Man that’s a very feminine reference for an article about football, but goddammit it’s accurate and I AM WHO I AM.
UMass @ Florida (-35) – 7:30 PM SEC Network
Not gonna waste any time on this game because literally nobody in the entire country will be watching this game besides Florida fans, and the 4 people that are still UMass basketball fans despite Calipari leaving their program in shambles.
Florida is starting a walk-on at QB. This will be that walk-on’s first start as a college QB AND his 4th school he’s enrolled in despite only being a sophomore. Florida should be good, but honestly nobody gives a shit about their team until they play Tennessee.
I assume Jalen Tabor will still be good, they will miserably dominate this shitty team, and everyone will leave Ben Hill Griffin Stadium with high hopes and swamp ass as they sprint to a bar or Stuckey’s gas station to watch a better game.
Score – Florida 45 UMass 7
Booze – Summertime. Why? One, because it’s fucking delicious. And two, this shitty matchup may be one of the only things that makes me miss summer. Summertime was a college staple during my 4-6 years of undergrad. The ingredients are simple, and you know what the pending result will be after consumption. A lot like this game.
Get an empty pitcher, dump a 12 oz can of frozen lemonade concentrate in it, fill up the empty lemonade cylinder with vodka (12 oz. to be exact), pour 4-6 beers in the same pitcher (4 if you’re drinking to forget/ with the guys and 6 if girls are invited over to your shitty apartment to pregame), and finally mix all of this bottom shelf amazingness together. It’s not great on your liver, decision making skills, or metabolism. But, it will get you through to next week/ semester/ year in hopes of something better.
La Tech @ Arkansas (-26) – 4:00 PM SEC Network
Arkansas may as well be in a fucking hamster wheel because they have progressed less than a public bathroom at a Target in North Carolina.
Arkansas is a lot like me. They have a lot of potential, but will always find a way to do something fucking stupid to let you down emotionally.
Score – Arkansas 48 La Tech 21
Booze – Tequila Shots. Why? Usually tequila shots are reserved for celebrations. Not with this game, but it still makes sense. If you’ve ever been drunk then chances are you’ve also had an experience with tequila. And, it’s never ended well. No matter what anyone that’s ever suggested tequila shots has always had the best of intentions with the same mediocre results. Just like Tequila, Arkansas football usually leaves you with the same feelings of disappointment and vomiting.
S. Alabama @ Mississippi St (-28) – 12:00 PM SEC Network
Fuck this game. Mississippi St is going to be the most underwhelming spectacle to come out of the Magnolia St since social progression in the 60’s.
Here’s a quick rundown of everything that MSU lost last year – their top receiver, their top 2 defensive players (Beniquez Brown and Chris Jones), ALL four defensive coaches, and their best QB/ player in school history. And, if you don’t think that last one is a big deal you’re wrong because Dak Lives Matter.
There are orphans on Titanic who have lost less than that. At least they get to open with a win?
Score – Mississippi St 35 S. Alabama 10
Booze – Watered down Dewar’s, Ketel One, Jose Cuervo, and Crown Royal. Why? Because MSU’s cupboard is more bare than a liquor cabinet in a suburban home before the holidays. Break out some food coloring/ dye if you can. And, if that fails then just bolt for a better house, family, and stocked liquor cabinet like Dan Mullen should’ve done last year when other programs tried to hire him away from that Mississippi Metropolis called Starkville. The biggest loss Mullen will have
Southern Miss @ Kentucky (-6) – 7:30 PM ESPNU
Jesus Christ. How many more games do I have to pretend to care about before the fun stuff? Ok, let’s keep it short and to the point.
The only way I’d watch this game is if Jared Lorenzon and Brett Favre were quarterbacking each team. But, they’re not. Brett Favre is doing a shit ton of infomercials to pay for his prescription drug habit, and I can only assume that Jared Lorenzon is giving back to the community by using his body/ stomach as a Bouncy Castle for children’s birthdays.
Kentucky should be improved. They’re in a shitty division. They have an above average RB and return 4 offensive lineman.
However, the ONLY person I care about on this team is Matt Elam. That’s right. THAT Matt Elam. If you’ve read this blog then you’ll remember my infatuation with him. He’s the nearly 400 lb behemoth that chose UK over Bama out of High School and also decided to wear number 69 and refuse to lose weight because he’s my spirit animal and Varsity Blues references never get old.
Score – Kentucky 27 USM 13
Booze – Old Fashions. Matt Elam Style. Why? Old Fashions are usually made with bourbon, bitters, sugar/ simple syrup, and then garnished with a cherry and orange peel. This game sucks. That being said, just get elbow deep in self-pity and start drinking your feelings Kentucky fans.
Get yourself 2 forks, text Matt Elam, and follow these instructions. Pour a fifth of Kentucky bourbon on top of a cherry pie and eat it in the parking lot of Rupp Arena. There’s enough sugar in the pie, so a majority of the ingredients are already covered. You don’t need bitters because all Kentucky fans are bitter until it’s basketball season. Oh, and Matt Elam doesn’t eat fruit, so fuck that ingredient unless it’s deep fried or in a sherbet of some sort.
Mizzou @ West VA (-10.5) – 12:00 PM FS1
This is a tough one to follow for the average fan. The only thing Joe College Football Fan knows about either of these schools is that one team has a fanbase with hobbies of coal mining and couch burning, and the other team’s recent headlines have been about a campus culture of racism and gay football players.
Only one of those stereotypes are true by the way. West Virginia is a bastion of low income households who have a mountain of debt from their Rooms-To-Go credit cards. And, all I’ll say about Mizzou is that the fact that “poop swastika” was an actual trending topic is still one of the funniest things ever.
As far as the game goes, the only thing less offensive than a poop-swastika is Mizzou’s passing and rushing attack. Also, their O-Line returns a total of 3 starts collectively. I think this game will be ugly only because Mizzou has a new coach, not a lot of experience, and Dana Holgersen (head coach for WVU) is an asshole.
Score – WVU 31 Mizzou 14
Booze – Whiskey Sour. Specifically with Dewar’s Black Label and the cheapest sour mix you can find. Why? Mizzou is classy as shit. They’re a very respectable institution. However, the national media and overly sensitive millennials have ruined their image over the past few years. Whiskey sour is perfect because there’s literally nothing about West Virginia that doesn’t reek of sour. Dewar’s, like Mizzou, is respectable. Also, make sure you choose Black label, to save face over the impending lawsuits from white guilt and last year’s hunger strikes. Hopefully both sides will get drunk enough they can’t use their senses, and nobody will be able to see the slop-fest of a game on the field or smell the poop-swastikas and/ or burning pleather ottomans on each respective campus.
UCLA @ Texas A&M (-3) – 3:30 PM CBS
This is by far the most intriguing matchup of the day. In my opinion, this game will shape the landscape of the 2016 college football season far more than any other game this weekend.
Texas A&M is considered to a middle of the pack team in the SEC. However, they bring in Oklahoma transfer, Trevor Knight, at QB. That’s the same Trevor Knight who torched Bama in the 2013 Sugar Bowl and got Katy Perry wetter than a Swiffer when she was on College Gameday two years ago. Oh, and they also have the best pass rusher in the country in Myles Garrett, and one of the best receiving corps as well.
Then you have a UCLA team who some have predicted to make the CFB Playoff and have one of the best QB’s in the country in Josh Rosen. The Bruins return 9 starters on D, and that doesn’t include DT Eddie Vanderdoes who may be the best player they have on that side of the ball.
Regardless, I’m gonna take the Aggies because they’re at home, and I don’t think Rosen will have faced this much heat from Southerners since he decided to wear that Fuck Trump bandana and post it on his Instagram.
Score – A&M 35 UCLA 34
Booze – Titos w/ Bottle Service. Why? Because nothing says overvalued like Kevin Sumlin OR mid-shelf trendy vodka with sparklers attached to it. It’s also perfect because this game may be the most Bro Matchup of the entire year. And, there are few things more Bro than bottle service.
UCLA comes in with their laid back Cali lifestyle where things like board shorts, organic quinoa, and the word “hella” are still considered cool. Then there’s A&M and their fans who turn Kyle Field into the world’s largest sausage fest every Saturday afternoon. That stadium is literally the only place you will ever see that many white bros, arm and arm, swaying back and forth without a fucking Journey song or “Wagon Wheel” playing in the background. So, for your own sake Aggies the bottle service will be delivered by two glorified Hooters waitresses with tits that are even faker than your national relevancy since Johnny Football left.
LSU (-10) vs. Wisconsin (Green Bay) – 3:30 PM ABC
I’m gonna go ahead and give you my early season prediction and tell you that LSU is the best team in the country. LSU returns 18 starters, they get Bama at home, and, oh yeah, they have the best player in the country not named Deshaun Watson or Nick Chubb. They have so much depth on defense and even more at the offensive skill positions. And honestly, I can’t see Brandon Harris being as average as he’s been during his third year at QB.
LSU is going to shut down Wisconsin faster than a clogged artery in the chest of an obese Cheese Head who can’t pronounce the state’s name without an “A.”
Score – LSU 31 Wisconsin 10
Booze – Jack Daniels and Expired Eggnog. Why? I’m convinced that nobody in either fanbases gives a fuck about what they put into their own body, so it doesn’t matter if the eggnog is fresh, spoiled, or just an actual carton full of eggs and coffee creamer. This clash of cultures will be one of the best people watching events ever. Sure the actual game should be entertaining. But, think about the fucking tailgate.
Where else will you ever see that many people assembled with such a blatant disregard to their own health? LSU will bring whiskey like any good God-fearing southerner, and Wisconsin will prepare a spread of food and booze that is solely themed around dairy. Literally the only thing these two fanbases enjoy more than their favorite teams is the absolute punishment they will inflict on their own livers and heart. At least the dairy will help a little with all of the future heart conditions caused by polish sausage consumption from Badger fans as well as 4th quarter clock management from Les Miles.
Clemson (-7) @ Auburn – 9:00 PM ESPN
As much as I hate to say it I originally thought Auburn may challenge Clemson in this game. For one, I think Auburn will be much improved (not hard to do from last year) especially on defense where they will have one of the best D-Lines in the country. Two, they’re at home. And three, I watched Last Chance U on Netflix and assumed Auburn would start John Franklin III at QB even though coaches said early in fall camp that he was like a freshman who didn’t understand the offense.
Who gives a shit? Nick Marshall could barely speak English and led AU to a national title game.
Then Malzahn did the unthinkable. He announced Sean White as the starting QB. I was shocked to be honest. Not only did White finish 2015 with only 1 TD, but he’s easily the least athletic player at his position. As his last name and race would suggest…he’s the only NON-RUNNING THREAT THE TIGERS HAVE AT QB. That’s LITERALLY the only way this offense works.
To make things worse, for the 2nd year in a row Auburn’s best offensive player (Jovan Robinson) was dismissed during Fall camp. If Auburn was up against an easier team that they’ve beaten in the past this wouldn’t be a concern. Like if they were playing Jacksonville State, Kentucky, or the NCAA Infractions Committee I’d give them a chance.
Unfortunately, they’re playing against the #2 ranked Clemson Tigers and the best player in the country Deshaun Watson, and Auburn is going to get embarrassed worse than Cam Newton at a Super Bowl post game presser.
Score – Clemson 35 Auburn 20
Booze – Screwdriver. With Everclear. Why? Vodka isn’t enough to help Auburn fans for what they’re gonna have to go through on Saturday. Grab some Everclear because it’s the only thing more transparent than your QB’s skin, and it will also be the quickest route to blackout which I have a feeling may be a consistent theme for your fans this year. The orange juice is because Auburn has dubbed this game an “Orange out” asking all their fans to show up in orange…against Clemson…Congratulations Auburn – you are literally to stupid to insult.
Ole Miss vs. Florida St. (-4.5) (Orlando) – Monday Sept. 5th 8:00 PM ABC
What a fucking polarizing matchup. Hardly anyone outside of the two fanbases really likes these two programs. They’ve consistently been good over the past few years. But, they’ve also consistently been the focal point of moral and legal scrutiny with the law and/ or the NCAA.
For most everyone in the country this will be a lot like watching a fight to the death between two of the Kardashians. Two unlikeable foes who are wildly popular but have the self-awareness of a morbidly obese narcoleptic sitting next to you on a cross-country flight and won’t stop snoring.
I hope they both lose. However, that can’t happen. So, I’ll settle for Ole Miss covering late, but not winning which means we get to see a somber press conference from QB Chad Kelly who has to hopefully explain why he threw into double coverage as well as why he shaved “Swag” with a $ shaved into his high top fade.
Score – FSU 31 Ole Miss 28
Booze – Long Island Iced Teas, Heinekens, and Jello Shots. Only before midnight. Why? Because these two programs have given away more free shit than a shitty bar you hear radio ads for on your local rap station promoting free drinks for ladies before 11, fellas before 12, AND ALL MY TURNT UP TAURUS’S IN THE MOTHA FUCKIN BUILDING.
“So, Seminoles and Rebels make sure you dress to impress because this party is for the grown and sexy only. We got $3 Hennessy, $2 Heineken, and reduced probations and bowl bans with proof of enrollment. We’ve also got DJ Swag Kelly on the 1’s and 2’s and half-off hooka masks for anyone Laremy Tunsil owes money to. Tell your boosters, tell bae, just don’t tell the NCAA about the throw down in O-town!”
Bama (-11.5) vs. Southern Cal (Dallas) – 8:00 PM ABC
As a Bama fan I am admittedly nervous about this game. USC is talented all over the field, and their strengths matchup with a lot of Alabama’s strengths. They have an elite receiver with size, speed, and 4 fucking names. They have one of the best offensive lines in the country. And, they have one of the best playmakers in the country in Adoree’ Jackson who shows more disregard for opposing teams than he does on where to correctly put the unnecessary apostrophe in his own name.
Oh and, they have a former Heisman winner who has murdered two people which almost has to be a ahead of every other program in the country.
Bama enters this season with more question marks than they’ve had in years past under Saban. That being said, there is an unprecedented amount of talent on this team. That’s not an exaggeration. There is literally an unprecedented amount of talent on this team. Saban has hauled in 6 straight #1 recruiting classes for the entire country. This offense is more dangerous than a retired superstar who loves domestic violence and Isotoners…
So, is it concerning that they only return 11 starters? Sure. Is it concerning that they lost their D Coordinator? Yep. Is it scary to think that they not only lost their QB, a Heisman Trophy winner at RB, AND that the entire backfield has a combined 1 start. Absolutely. However, I think the new starters will fit into the system like a glove…
On paper the defense should start 6 former 5 stars, has 2 potential Top 10 picks on the D-Line, returns all 4 starters in the secondary, and had a consensus #1 ranking for each individual unit not only in the SEC but in the entire country in preseason magazines.
Then there’s the offense – which features the most ridiculous rated talented ever assembled on paper. They have a future Top 5 pick at LT, and not only were 5 of the 6 skill position starters former 5 stars – they were the #1 ranked player in the country at their position. This offense will be more smooth and powerful than a (Ford) Bronco on the loose…
Call me biased. Call me a homer. Call me childish for making murder puns during this entire write up. But, Bama is loaded, and USC’s chances of beating Bama on Saturday are about as likely as being acquitted for double murder despite a mountain of evidence.
Score – Bama 31 USC 14
Booze – Double Grey Goose and Pomegranate with a splash of OJ. Why? Because this should be a close game for awhile, and (through my own extensive research) vodka is the easiest liquor to pace yourself on. This drink is almost like a madras, and the mixers will be close enough to the team colors on the field. However, the specifics cannot be overlooked.
The vodka does need to be a top shelf because these two programs are two of college football’s true blue bloods. It also needs to be a double because I know I’m gonna have to power drink my way through most of this game since I trust Bama’s quarterbacks about as much as someone at a kissing booth with a cold sore.
Oh, and be sure to only put a splash of OJ because too much OJ is never a good thing. Also, it absolutely 100% HAS to be a double strictly because it opens the door for me to be punny and call this drink a “Double Pomicide.” Nailed it.
Georgia (-2.5) vs. North Carolina (Atlanta) – 5:30 PM ESPN
To every UGA fan that says I never give the Dawgs enough credit – you’re fucking welcome for saving your game for last. I know we haven’t been on the best of terms over the past few years. I’ve talked more shit to UGA fans than a black guy in a Worldstar fight video.
But, I’m pulling for you guys this year. So, calm your fucking tits.
Yes, it’s easier to root for your Groundhog Day themed cycle of un-achieving when you have one of Bama’s old coordinators as your HC. And, it doesn’t hurt that Nick Chubb is one of my favorite players in the country. And, I can’t wait for a season full of boner puns using his last name.
For the first offseason in I don’t know how long I have to actually tip my cap to UGA fans. This is the first summer, and DEFINITELY, the first August where I haven’t had to endure the over-the-top-glass-half-full-delusion about THIS year being UGA’s year.
Regardless of all of my backhanded compliments, I think Kirby Smart has the Dawgs headed in the right direction. I think they have the 2nd best player in the country with Nick Chubb. And, I think the Georgia Dome will be the closest thing you can find to a home field advantage not involving hedges or a drunk stumble down Milledge Ave after a victory.
UGA will win this game. Because Nick Chubb, Kirby Smart, and the fact that is UNC’s head coach’s name (Larry Fedora) is the same as a fashion accessory that is only liked by Jason Mraz and douchebags who still rock soul patches under their bottom lip.
Score – UGA 28 UNC 24
Booze – 2012 Korbel . Champagne is a toast to new beginnings. I don’t think the Dawgs are ready for Dom Perignon just yet. But, they are definitely headed in the right direction under new coach Kirby Smart. Georgia has always had the talent to win a national title, but they’ve underwhelmed more than a hand job on a honeymoon. That should end with Kirby. So, pop a bottle of Korbel and toast to each other Dawg nation. But, make sure it’s a bottle of a vintage from a minimum 5 years ago because that’s when you probably should’ve fired that glorified Sunday School teacher/ perennial silver medalist you called a coach.