Last week was a roller coaster of emotion for many SEC fans not to mention my predictions…
Auburn seemed to get their offense back on track, LSU won emphatically behind interim coach Ed Orgeron, and Tennessee won in Athens on a Hail Mary that left Sanford Stadium so silent it seemed like it was a Saturday in June instead of October in the Classic City.
As for me, I continued my hamster wheel of success and frustration by going an undefeated 9-0 straight up yet a mere 2-5 against the spread. I don’t know how I could be so frustratingly accurate and inaccurate at the same damn time. I’m like the white girl in your March Madness office pool who is in first place after the Sweet 16, but only because I picked games based off mascots and color schemes. For the season I’m now 44-8 SU and 23-24 ATS.
Let’s head to this week where I’ll preface by saying I’ve been sick since Tuesday, so most of this was written while under the influence of Nyquil, Bourbon, and a steady diet of dismay for your favorite team…
Vandy @ Kentucky (-2)
This is just a good ol’ fashioned SEC slugfest. And, when I say slugfest I mean the type you’d see between two obese moms pulling each other’s hair and slapping each other as they wrestle over a Tickle Me Elmo at a Wal-Mart on Black Friday.
I have no idea as to how to pick this game. Last week I alluded to the fact that I’ve rarely picked a Vanderbilt game correctly over the past two seasons. 1-14 to be exact. This season they are 4-1 ATS . Also, they have one of the better RB’s in the SEC in Ralph Webb. AND, Kentucky’s defense is terrible.
Soooo, of course, I will…. once again pick Vandy to lose and not cover because I’m stubborn AND they’ve given me less to believe in than that Dad on the motorcycle in Angels in the Outfield who promised Joseph Gordon-Levitt that they’d be a family again if the Angels won the pennant. I’m tired of your empty promises motorcycle Dad/ Vandy!
Score – Kentucky 24 Vandy 20
Booze – Pinot Grigio Spritzer. Specifically from Cupcake Vineyards and through a straw. Why? Because for one, these two teams are definitely the cupcakes on everyone else’s schedule. And two, the only people who would drink something like this are white trash soccer moms (like the ones aforementioned in the Black Friday Brawl) and/ or white dudes in their mid-40’s with a receding hairline and a sweater tied around their waist.
In this scenario, Vandy is definitely the effeminate accountant with the sweater, and Kentucky is definitely the white-trash diabetic named Trish who loves couponing, Dr. Phil, and dying her roots. Gross.
Auburn (-2.5) @ Mississippi State
Auburn finally started to click on offense last week in their 58-7 win against Louisiana Monroe. Now, they have to do something they haven’t done all season – play on the road.
That’s right. It’s October 8th, and this is the first road game for Auburn in the 2016 season. How in the literal fuck does that happen?! There are parolees in Compton wearing ankle locators that have left home more than that. Jesus.
Luckily, their first road “test” of the year shouldn’t be that difficult. Mississippi State is 2-2 on the year with a loss to South Alabama and their best win coming against lowly South Carolina. They did have a week off before this game, and their defense has been one of the best in the SEC against the run. However, I don’t think it matters because Auburn is deeper and way more talented than State.
My guess is that Auburn plays with my emotions for most of the first half, giving me hope that they’ll lose, and then they’ll score late leaving me more blue balled in disappointment than a convo with a 1-900 call girl who hasn’t received my payment info.
Score – Auburn 28 Miss St 21
Booze – Vodka and Yoo Hoo. Specifically from a Nalgene bottle or Canteen. Why? Because, Auburn leaving the comforts of their own home for the first time to go “on the road” to Starkville reminds me of a teenage introvert being scared to go to Jewish summer camp in July.
We get it Tevin. What if you don’t know anybody? And, what if you can’t swim? Who cares. You’re fucking 15, so can you please just be a big boy and leave the house/ basement at least once like everyone else your age? We packed some extra Yoo Hoo and a bunch of your favorite comic books in case you get bored and miss home.
It’s also perfect because Yoo Hoo is essentially chocolate milk, and nothing says “Cow College” like the cities of Starkville and Auburn. Also make sure you mix the Yoo Hoo with Vodka because that’s basically the ingredients to a White Russian. And, like my grandfather told me when I was 4, “The only thing worse than a communist is a Saturday in Starkville or an Auburn fan.”
Bama (-14) @ Arkansas
Outside of Ole Miss no team has played Alabama closer than Arkansas has the past two seasons. This is a huge game for the Razorbacks. It’s the first game in Fayetteville featuring two ranked teams since 2011, and it’s also a bit of a trap game for Alabama whose next two opponents are Tennessee and Texas A&M.
Alabama’s defense has been outstanding all year. Outside of the Ole Miss game they’ve only given up 1 touchdown all year and have yielded less than 200 yards of offense to 4 of their 5 opponents. They’re also getting a few key offensive players back from injury in RB Damien Harris and WR Ardarius Stewart. My guess is that this game plays out a lot like the past two years have where Bama will struggle offensively in the first half and pull away late behind their defense escaping with a win before their showdown in Knoxville next week.
Score – Alabama 27 Arkansas 16
Booze – “A Pinot.” Specifically one that is ordered at the busiest point of the night and sent back immediately after receiving it because you meant the opposite of what the bartender made. Why? Because as a bartender I can tell you that there are few things more frustrating than having unexpected complications when you’re busy. Just like Nick Saban has been frustrated with unexpectedly being challenged by Bret Beliema and Arkansas the past two years.
A pinot? Perfect. That will be the easiest of the 920383 drink orders I just took. Granted, I should’ve asked which one he wanted, but instead I just judged him by his appearance and assumed the boat shoes and dry-fit polo meant Grigio just like Bama has assumed beating an 8-5 team with an old-school run power rushing offense would be a cakewalk. Wrong.
This may seem like an easily avoidable scenario. But, when you’re slammed during rush on a Friday night (or facing your first of 3 straight ranked opponents in the month of October) it’s easy to overlook small details. Next thing you know you’re more stressed out than Bret Beliema’s bathroom scale and sweating worse than a hungover Steve Sarkisian at an AA meeting.
UGA @ S. Carolina (No Line)
Georgia lost an absolute heartbreaker last week in Athens. And, they did it in such typical Georgia fashion. The Dawgs fumbled in their end zone with 2 minutes to go, then scored a TD with 10 seconds left to take the lead and immediately committed two costly penalties that allowed Tennessee to get all the way to the UGA 43 yard line before the final play of the game. Tennessee scored on the final play in one of the worse defended Hail Mary’s since Flutie in the Orange Bowl.
There were some positives. UGA was able to run the ball very well against the Vols even without all-world tailback Nick Chubb. Also, that final TD from Eason looked like it was thrown out of a fucking cannon. Jesus Christ. There are F-16’s that don’t have missiles like that kids right arm. The freshman showed a lot of resolve and maturity for his age. That being said, the Dawgs would’ve never been in that situation if he didn’t fumble in his end zone on the prior series.
UGA opened as a -7 point favorite this week. Both of these teams are only 1-4 ATS this season, so a TD spread seemed like a bit much. However, USC is averaging only 14 points per game. The line was taken down as of Thursday because of the slight chance this game is postponed due to Hurricane Matthew. I like UGA to win by more than a TD regardless. (And, I’ll definitely count it in my favor if UGA covers. Sorry I’m not sorry.)
Score – UGA 24 USC 14
Booze – A Hurricane. Specifically at Wet Willie’s in the Vista. Why? Listen, there’s nothing I hate more than cliches. So, part of me hates being this literal and “punny” considering the weather forecast for this weekend. After all, Hurricane Matthew is expected to cause more damage to these two states than obesity, literacy rates, and General Sherman combined.
Regardless, a Hurricane is still perfect for this game because just like each team there are not just one, but SOOOO many, ingredients that make it so underwhelming and shitty.
It’s not just the light rum, dark rum, or extra sugar that is sure to induce a disappointing hangover the next day. Just like it’s not just the bad weather, putrid USC offense, or UGA’s inability to defend a Hail Mary that have made these programs such a shitshow to watch in 2016.
So, head to Gervais St in the Vista and get a glass of this frozen diabetic delight. Nothing says weather the (emotional) storm like getting shitfaced with slushies. I can tell you from personal experience that if you have enough of them you will blackout and forget your troubles (like an ex or Hail Mary TD) and/ or be drunk enough so that your dick is less potent that USC’s offense. You’re welcome.
Tennessee @ Texas A&M (-6.5)
Hands down this is the biggest game in the SEC, and the country, this upcoming weekend. Both teams are 5-0 and ranked in the Top 10. However, only one of them is actually getting national respect for their record and ranking, and that’s Texas A&M.
Sure Tennessee is 5-0, but can we cut the shit and be honest for a minute?! Tennessee has been luckier than a virgin taking a prostitute to Prom. They’ve been more fortunate than an orphan getting adopted by Brad and Angelina. They have had more improbable and unrealistic endings than a fable in the Old Testament or a fucking Air Bud movie. I could go on and on y’all.
Yes, they’re 5-0. But, it’s hard not to overlook their mediocrity and luck during 2016. After all, 4 of their 5 wins, were come from behind victories after double-digit deficits. Also, their vaunted offense that features a preseason all conference nominee at RB and QB is averaging only 381 ypg. AND, they’re only outgaining their opponents by 21 yards per game despite their toughest games coming against a backup QB and a true freshman QB.
I would have to assume their luck finally comes to an end this week in College Station. They play on the road in front over 100,000 people, they have to face one of the best, and most balanced, offenses in the country, and they go up against a pass rush who should be disruptive all day against a mediocre offensive line.
That being said, this Tennessee team reminds me WAY too much of Auburn in 2010 and 2013. Each week they are barely favored or an underdog that should seemingly lose. Then, they somehow eek out a victory with some bullshit last second miracle, and next thing you know it’s mid-October and they’re still in the national title hunt while I’m busy screaming into a pillow and questioning everything I believe in.
Score – A&M 28 Tennessee 20
Booze – Whiskey and Water. Specifically Crown Royal, Holy Water, and a splash of Truth Serum. Why? Because on the surface this seems like a legit top-10 matchup between two contenders. That’s why Crown is appropriate considering the winner may be in the driver’s seat to win the conference title/ crown this December. However, when you look at it more closely something seems a little off…
These two teams aren’t as deserving and impressive as they, or their fans, want to think. Sure they’re both 5-0, but Tennessee has needed more miracles and answered prayers than a black dude on Maury Povich finding out he’s NOT the father after sleeping with a fertile Catholic girl using nothing but the “Pull and Pray Method.” Naturally the Holy Water is for the Vols.
As far as the Aggies go, correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t A&M started 5-0 for 3 straight years now? Only to fall flat on their face during the second half of the season? The Crown Royal is for you because it’s whiskey. However, it’s Canadian Whiskey. And, nothing says fake like something from Canada.
Don’t believe me? Just look at Justin Bieber. Drake’s acting career on Degrassi. OR, NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT THEIR “BACON” IS LITERALLY HAM. JUST. FUCKING. HAM.
The truth serum is for both of you because like an American voter – I’m tired of being lied to! Both of you seem less legit and trustworthy than an email from a Nigerian Prince wanting to share his inheritance. Can’t wait to figure out which one of you belongs in my Spam/ Junk folder.