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A 2016 Guide to Rape (and) Prevention

Rape, rape culture, and mysoginistic male privilege have been hot-button topics in the country as of late thanks to one presidential candidate graphically describing his own “tactics” on how to successfully woo over a woman.

Rape culture, and the overwhelming mass injustices that come with it, have been in the spotlight a great deal this year. Donald Trump, Brock Turner, Canadian judges, etc. The list goes on and on, yet none of these examples have brought about a definitive answer, solution, or change. Instead women are given a myriad of excuses about locker room talk, boys being boys, or even worse suggestions on what they should have done to avoid it.


I’m no expert, but giving women advice on how they SHOULD avoid rape seems about as ignorant and grossly insensitive as telling them to deal with menstrual cramps by “rubbing some dirt on it.” Hey guys, you know how offended you get when a woman challenges you on directions, grilling steaks, or the Aflac trivia question during a college football Saturday?

Imagine if she were challenging you on something that actually mattered…for the rest of your life.

Here at Red White & Bro we know that the reality of what you all have to go through is something we will never understand . So, after reading about several of these recent high profile rape cases and personally knowing victims of these atrocities – we decided we would do our best to give some guidelines on avoiding rape based off the cornucopia of blind-eyed dismissive ignorance and lack of acknowledgement that society has sadly given you.


1. Don’t ever drink alcohol

Like ever. Ladies, drinking alcohol lowers your inhibitions. The moment you allow yourself to indulge in alcohol you are opening yourself up to potential suitors. I mean according to Canadian judge Robin Camp, “Women want to have sex, particularly when they’re drunk.” I’m sorry if you want to go out for a much deserved girls night with your besties after a long work week. I’m sorry if you enjoy patio drinking Rosé all day during Sunday Funday. Stop it. The moment you uncork that bottle of Pinot or order a Vodka Soda splash Cran at the club you have apparently made it fair game to have creeps in button downs and blazers shamelessly hit on you with uncomfortable sexual advances for the remainder of the night. We don’t make the rules ladies. Apparently sexist geriatric judges in Canada do.


2. Cover EVERY Inch of your Body

This is crucial ladies. I know that you want to go out in public in that new dress you bought, or in your yoga pants and tank you wore to Barre, or in literally whatever the fuck you want to wear because it’s 2016 and this isn’t supposed to be an oppressive male-dominated society that we live in. But, you’d be wrong.

Apparently going out in public revealing any amount of skin makes you fair game for any horny neanderthal with a GED and a dick. Cat calling is a compliment. Chivalry isn’t dead ladies. It’s hidden in everyday cordial greetings like ogling at your cleavage or yelling “Ayy shawty you got a fat ass” from across the street.

You are at fault here, ladies. Men are not smart enough to verbally harass and sexually assault a woman who is dressed like that little brother from A Christmas Story. Had you had every inch of your body covered in clothes, scarves, parkas, etc then you would never have to fear a potential attack during your walk to the grocery store let alone a Friday night sorority mixer with drunken frat stars filled with bourbon, hormones, and misguided male privilege.


3. Never Hang Out Alone with a Male Friend or Family Member

Statistically speaking, these two demographics are most likely to commit this heinous crime. I know you think you should be able to trust your best friend from Biology, or that family get togethers during holidays are for pecan pie and family fellowship. But, again you’d be wrong.

Always have a secure buddy system set in place when going to the library or family reunion. I know it seems a bit drastic and very inconvenient. I bet you didn’t realize that becoming a woman meant you were signing up for having almost as little alone time as you have rights in the workplace. But, again society apparently isn’t at fault here. Of course this seems both terribly unfair AND unnatural. But, boys are gonna be boys, and apparently no matter what their relation is to a woman, men view and ignore vulnerability and trust a lot like they view yellow lights or the check engine light.

4. Never let a man buy you a drink

If you break rule number one, then you need to really pay attention to Rule #4. If you are sitting at a bar and a man walks up and offers to buy you a drink and you agree, then you have entered a binding contract of indentured sexual advances for the rest of the night. I know, crazy right?? Who would have thought that you were worth nothing more than a shot of Fireball or Apple Martini. But it’s true.


Again, this may seem unfair. And, it is, but we didn’t ask you to enter this blood oath. We just aggressively pressured you and backed you into a corner because of a predisposed notion that “no DOESN’T mean no” and that deep down you were “asking for it” no matter how many times you initially refused.

5. Pussy Grabbing

Can we talk y’all? Just real chat time. There is a legit possibility that Donald Trump actually knows less about courting women than he does about paying taxes, being racially sensitive, or styling his fucking hair. His idea of second base and locker room talk apparently involves grabbing women by their vagina. This is a thing?! First off, I’ve played sports before, and Chris played baseball all the way up to the collegiate level. That being said, NEITHER of us have ever heard this in a locker room.


I don’t know if we even have legit advice, real or satirical, for something this asininely ridiculous. You could wear a chastity belt, I guess. If that doesn’t work, you could move to a deserted island so the only things that contact your downstairs are salt water and sand.

Or, you could just do what’s deserved, warranted, and what we should’ve recommended at the very beginning of this tutorial, which is to BEAT THE ABSOLUTE SHIT OUT OF ANY MAN THAT DISRESPECTS YOU VERBALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND ESPECIALLY SEXUALLY.

You are an incredibly brave and strong group. Both owners of this site were raised by single mothers, so to a certain degree we can certainly sympathize with the struggles and frustrations that women face on a day-to-day basis. But, no amount of sympathy, empathy, or satire will make all of this ok. This type of mindset and culture is generationally ingrained into men at an early age. It stops with awareness. It stops with acknowledging that there is a problem. It stops with our communities being united for change. It stops with our judicial system penalizing attackers as harshly as society penalizes women simply for their gender.


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