Last week I gave myself my own Bye for the 2016 season and didn’t post an article. My apologies. I was lucky enough to be emceeing a Tailgate at Lake Lanier Islands for #GamedayLanier.
If you live in Metro Atlanta, North Georgia, or literally anywhere in driving distance I highly encourage you to check it out. They have games and activities for the kids, booze for the adults, and a 50 ft HD projection screen showing SEC Football at a fucking beach you guys.
There aren’t a lot of things better than tailgaiting on a lake or watching SEC Football with your toes in the sand.
Anyways, let’s move on to football before I start to sound like a Zac Brown Band song. Gross.
(Season Totals – 49-8 Straight Up and 27-25 Against the Spread)
Tennessee St @ Vandy (No Line)
Last week Vandy got their first SEC road win of the Derek Mason era after embarrassing UGA in Athens on homecoming. A lot of people were shocked by the win – especially people in Red & Black. The echoes of “Goddammit Bobo” were brought back to life after UGA decided to run a toss sweep on 4th and 1 to a 175 lb WR with a minute left in the game while Nick Chubb lined up at Fullback.
Pardon my language, but…Are you fucking serious Kirby? Using your All-American RB as a decoy blocker on 4th and 1 is about as dumb and inefficient as using a water balloon as a condom. Sure it looks reasonable, but you’re missing all of the logistics and common sense. And, the saddest part is that even 11 year olds know better for BOTH circumstances. Anyways, congrats Vandy?
Score – Vandy 34 Tennessee St 24
Booze – Vodka and Lemonade. Specifically Tito’s and Strawberry Lemonade. Call it a Darnell Palmer. Why? There are few schools that are more lamely white and nerdy than Vanderbilt, and Tennessee St is an HBCU. If you don’t know what that means I can only assume you haven’t seen Drumline and/ or Jason Derulo is your favorite “rapper.” HBCU means “Historically Black College & University.” I originally tried to find a drink that would fit both sides. But, googling “What do black nerds drink?” led to a series of terribly racist forums, video game reviews on Reddit, and pictures of Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
This drink is perfect because it truly captures both fanbases. Tito’s is gluten-free, and outside of of lower taxes and monograms, there are few things white people love more than pretending to have a gluten allergy. The strawberry lemonade is for TSU because as a bartender I can assure you, outside of FaceTiming in public and not tipping appropriately, there are few things black people love more in their restaurant/ bar experience than Strawberry Lemonade.
Also, feel free to make it fun with a drinking game – Take a sip every time a Vandy fan panic locks their car door when a TSU fan walks anywhere close to their Camry.
UMass @ S. Carolina (-20)
This is the most confusing line of the week. South Carolina is a 20 point favorite y’all. Yeah, the same South Carolina who has scored 20 points only ONCE this year. For Christ’s sake they’ve only had two wins, and that was against East Carolina and Vandy – BY A COMBINED 8 POINTS.
Carolina’s offense is awful and terribly inefficient. They look like someone trying to masturbate without opposable thumbs. Only less efficient and more awkward.
The good news is that UMass is also hot garbage. Sure, they put up 35 on Mississippi State. But, they’ve also lost 4 in a row and are only averaging 318 ypg. Plus, Carolina has had a week off, and they desperately need this win. Not for bowl eligibility, but because I can’t stand to watch another loss that leads to Will Muschamp eating his feelings. His tits are getting sloppier than an overweight grandma wearing a mumu with no bra.
Score – USC 34 UMass 13
Booze – Power Hour with O’Doul’s. Why? Because the only thing less potent than either of these offenses are sterile semen and non-alcholic beer. So, strap in for 60 minutes of shooting blanks and never feeling a buzz y’all!
Get all of your friends together, make a bomb-ass playlist, and then prepare to be let down. I’m sorry Carolina, but it doesn’t matter how many sips you take or how many times “Sandstorm” plays you’re still gonna be the overweight girl in the corner who can’t dance like no one is watching no matter how hard you try.
Middle Tennessee St @ Mizzou (-6.5)
Been a rough few weeks for Mizzou. After leading the conference in passing through the first 4 games, Drew Lock failed to throw for over 200 yards in back-to-back blowout losses to LSU and Florida. Luckily, the Tigers return home to CoMo where they haven’t lost to a non-Power 5 Team since joining the SEC in 2012. MTSU is averaging over 37 ppg, and they should put up some points against Mizzou.
However, I’m assuming that Lock will have a field day against a subpar secondary especially since his O-Line has given up only 3 sacks this entire season which leads the country.
Score – Mizzou 35 MTSU 27
Booze – Ecto Cooler (AKA “Hunch Punch” or “Jungle Juice”) Why? When I was a freshman in college I went to MTSU. It was the worst. Not only was I cut from their baseball team (which was warranted), but they had a dry campus which was lamer than FDR’s legs. Murfreesboro cracked down on underage drinking worse than LAPD traffic cops after a Madea movie let out.
Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a big drinker at that age anyway. I was a giant pussy. Think – Michael Cera in Superbad, but with a double chin and several WWJD bracelets.
Literally, the one time I was drunk on campus at MTSU was a gameday tailgate when a girl (who future friend zoned me) asked if I liked Ecto Cooler. Ugh…Duh Stacy. Hi-C is delicious, and that was my favorite fuel during Tee Ball. She then introduced me to their version of Hunch Punch/ Jungle Juice/ Grain Alcohol mixed with red drink and diabetes.
Call it whatever you want. Who cares. Just make sure I can drink enough to blackout and forget about Mizzou’s 2016 season or my athletic and social failures from 2005.
Mississippi St (-3) @ Kentucky
Ok here’s the deal. This is the worst game of the week.
So, instead of talking about the game I’m just gonna give you a list of better things you can do with your time:
– Learn Mandarin
– Watch a movie with subtitles
– Netflix and Pee…off your own fingernails
– Send out Candy Crush invites on Facebook
– Start a blog about college football that is totally dependent on whether or not UGA fans are invested on a week to week basis
Score – Kentucky 28 Miss St 27
Booze – Red Hare SPF 50/50. Why? I tried this beer a few weeks ago out of pure desperation while at my buddy Jeff’s. I needed something to nervously power drink during the 2nd half of Arkansas – Bama when our secondary decided to go more limp than a gay paraplegic’s wrist. It’s insensitive. Deal with it.
Anyways, we had already mowed through all the light domestic calorie counters, so I accidentally grabbed one of these.What in the literal fuck is a grapefruit IPA? Let me tell you. It’s like coating your pallet with a citrus flavored gym sock.
But, much to my surprise, after a few more sips I started to enjoy it. I don’t know if it was the refreshing grapefruit or the self-loathing, but it began to go down smoother than most other gym sock flavored IPA’s I’ve had. I was kinda excited because this was the first IPA I’ve ever enjoyed. I felt like a real adult. Like I could show up to a networking event in a slim fit button down and skinny tie and drink trendy craft brews while talking about Sales and #RiseAndGrind with the best of em!
That’s when I found out that it’s apparently not a real beer and that each 12 oz can is literally just 6 oz of Grapefruit juice and 6 oz of IPA. Goddammit Chris.
Regardless, that is perfect for this game because this cross-divisional SEC “rivalry” seems about as fake and manufactured as that Made in China Polyester Pale Ale I drank from Jeff’s mini fridge.
Arkansas @ Auburn (-9.5)
Fuck you Auburn. I knew this was gonna happen. As soon as you beat LSU I could see this whole snake in the grass underdog bullshit unfolding before my eyes. While everyone else was tossing you aside and forgetting about you like a college Calculus course I knew this was coming all along. Like a cold sore after a one-night stand I saw this shit coming a mile away.
Auburn is legit. They’re offense isn’t great by any means, but lost in everything from this season is the fact that they’re defense is only giving up 16 ppg thanks to one of the best front 7’s in the country.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen in Jordan-Hare this Saturday. But, Arkansas has to be tired after their last two games, and Auburn had a week off. Plus, Auburn is at home again which is fucking astonishing considering it’s October 22nd, and they’ve played ONE FUCKING ROAD GAME.
Score – Auburn 31 Arkansas 21
Booze – Vodka Cider. Specifically Angry Orchard and Well Vodka. Why? Because literally the drunkest I’ve ever been was from drinking Woodchuck Ciders at the bar I worked at in college. Getting drunk off cider beer in Milledgeville, GA isn’t something to be proud of especially when you’re hammered drunk at 5:30 PM on a Tuesday in gym shorts at The Brick/ your place of employment.
Little did I know that the bartender was spiking my pints with several shots of vodka each time I ordered. Thanks to the sugar I never tasted it, and that blackout snuck up on me worse than Auburn is sneaking up the Top 25.
Also, Angry Orchard is perfect instead of Woodchuck because if for some miraculous reason Arkansas wins this game Toomer’s Corner will be more down trodden and angry than they do when Alabama claims yet another national championship – Real OR Fake.
Ole Miss @ LSU (-6.5)
Okay what in the literal fuck happened in Baton Rouge? Remember when UGA fired Richt, and the program went through some rough times? Ya know the standard loss on a Hail Mary from an Alopecia patient or a pants-pissing embarrassment to Vanderbilt? I kinda assumed that LSU may go through some similar growing pains after firing their head coach a quarter of the way through the season. But, just like every other cajun speaking, alligator hunting, voo doo praising Creole asshole that packs their stands – they have become too dumb to fail.
It’s so beautifully obnoxious. Fire one of the most beloved coaches in program, not to mention media, history. And what happens?
They fix ALL of their offensive problems despite not having their best player. AND, they are in perfect position to cause absolute fucking chaos in the SEC if they can win out. Since Orgeron took over they have been favored in every game, the line has been bet up in their favor in every game, AND THEY’VE COVERED IN EVERY. FUCKING. GAME.
So, I don’t know. Ole Miss seems a lot like every report card I got as an adolescent with ADD and a constant need for attention – they’re not great, but they have so much…Potential.
Potential is great. But, after awhile you have to question whether they’re gonna ever live up to that hype and win the conference or just become a 30 year old who is averagely talented, overly opinionated, and uses the word “Swag” waaaaay too much. Prove ‘em wrong for both of us Chad Kelly!
Score – LSU 38 Ole Miss 30
Booze – Hypnotiq and Hennessy. Hyp and Hen. The Incredible Hulk. Why? Because Hyp and Hen is a ghetto game changer. It’s strong AF, and it’s definitely ghetto AF. And let’s face it, Chad Kelly is more ghetto than a boarded up section 8 house in Compton. And, the only thing scarier than walking through a neighborhood like that is playing in Death Valley on a Saturday night.
Also, the Incredible Hulk is probably the best, and most accurate, comparison to the turnaround LSU has made under Coach O.
I mean their offense was stagnant with Les Miles, and they were very underwhelming before Coach O’s caffeine/ amphetamine ladened pep talks fired them up and turned things around.
Ed Orgeron is basically a drunk Hulk. And, LSU was the docile, unsuspecting guy with glasses and a jew fro that nobody took seriously. Then, he turned them into a monster that is most likely going to fuck everything up for the conference when Bama heads to Baton Rouge in 2 weeks. I’m not even mad. I’m just green with envy I guess.
Texas A&M @ Bama (-19)
I’ll just be honest with you – I’m trying my best not to be an overconfident, arrogantly obnoxious Alabama fan heading into this game. But, it’s just so damn hard…
I mean Bama was supposed to be tested in Fayetteville, and they beat the breaks off of Arkansas. They were supposed to get beat for the first time in a decade in Knoxville, and they boat raced the Vols. Now, they have to play against an undefeated Texas A&M team ranked in the Top 10.
Excuse me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we heard this before?
A&M has entered October undefeated with a Top 10 ranking for 3 straight seasons, AND for the second straight year they’ve had a week off to prepare for the Tide. Not to burst the bubble with my own bias, but they were supposed to torch Bama in 2014, and they entered last year’s game with a Top 10 ranking coming off a bye too…and what happened?
They were outscored 100-23 in the 2 games combined.
Now, I’m not irrational enough to think that Bama is going to play flawlessly and dominant against a team as good as Texas A&M. After all, it’s their 8th consecutive game without a bye, 5th game against a ranked opponent, and final game of what is a brutal stretch of conference play during October.
But, here’s the thing – Alabama is really, REALLY good.
Bama is going to be challenged in this game. Afterall, they have a true freshman at QB, and they’re going against a team that features the potential #1 pick in the NFL Draft in Myles Garrett not to mention a receiving corps that may be even better than the Tide’s.
The difference in this game is Trevor Knight. Yes, Knight destroyed Bama in the Sugar Bowl in 2014. However, this year he’s only completing 53% of his passes, and he’s about to face the best pass rush he’ll ever see (until he becomes a scout team QB in the NFL next year). I don’t know if Bama will cover, but it’s really hard to see a team beating them right now – especially at home.
Score – Bama 41 A&M 30
Booze – Bourbon and Water. Specifically Basil Hayden’s and Evian. Why? Because this is a Top 10 matchup in the SEC, and that deserves a Top shelf bourbon. However, one of these teams is overvaluing themselves. That’s why Evian is essential.
Bourbon and water is a staple of any Southerner’s bar order rolodex. But, using Evian as a mixer seems more out of place than A&M’s title contention or their abundance of (alleged) heterosexual bro love that the Aggie fans have for each other.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m a bro. I mean I love fist bumps, high fives, and Fireball as much as the next middle-class-Wop wearing a Snapback and tank top about ironic patriotism.
However, one thing I’ve never done with my bros is link arm and arm and sway back and forth while singing. Nor, have I ever met up at midnight for a 30 minute practice session for stadium chants when we could be at a bar talking to women. And lastly, I’ve never joined ROTC in college so I could get course credits for playing dress up as a fake Army man.
Congrats A&M – you’re basically a French Paul Blart only less respectable and with more starch in your short sleeved button downs.