Kentucky @ Louisville (-26)
Guys if you don’t think 2016 is the most backwardsly fucked up year in the history of the world then just remember that Kentucky is one of the best teams in the SEC East and Lamar Jackson was sacked 11 times in a single game last week. The latter is incredibly impressive. Like to the point where it’s almost hard to put that into perspective. 11 sacks in a game is ridiculous in and of itself. Sacking Lamar Jackson is like getting a greased watermelon out of a pool. Sacking him 11 times is like getting said watermelon out of a pool and then taking a selfie with Bigfoot while you both lick your elbow and sneeze with your eyes open.
Dammit. I just realized that I spent the last 43 minutes googling “stuff that’s physically impossible” and proceeded to get in a rabbit hole of saltine cracker challenges and Ripley’s Believe It Or Not records. SOLELY TO FIND A DAMN REFERENCE ABOUT SACKING LAMAR JACKSON. All of which I plan to use in casual conversation.
Anyway, here’s the deal – in most rivalry games it’s not hard to find the passion and hate to motivate and/ or fuel yourself to victory. However, most rivalry games don’t involve a head coach that’s as big of a narcissistic piece of shit as Bobby Petrino. You see most coaches would use last week’s loss as fuel to help get his team rebound against their rival.
However, Bobby Petrino most likely spent the week shaming and blaming his players for the loss while he openly flirted with potential job openings at Texas, Oregon, LSU, and/ or the LA Sparx. Bobby Petrino is like a terrible husband you see yelling at his wife in public. He’s literally the guy you see in Oakleys and a visor threatening to leave some poor girl named Trish because she burned the meatloaf which forced them into spending his hard earned money at TGIFridays.
I’m a little drunk, but basically what I’m saying is – We are all Kentucky fans this weekend.
Score – Louisiville 41 Kentucky 24
Booze – Buffalo Trace Vodka. Huh? Exactly. Buffalo Trace, and the state of Kentucky, are both known for their bourbon. You know what they’re not known for? Vodka and football. Leave that shit to the Russians and Tennesseans. This is a deserved drink too. Buffalo Trace is a damn good bourbon. And, Lousville and Kentucky are damn good basketball teams. But, that doesn’t mean we should be subjected to dabbling in their lesser accomplishments.
Also, drink this in a World’s Best Mom mug that Casey Anthony owned because she’s probably the only person that’s a worse and less likable human being than the collection of coaches at these two schools. And, sure marital infidelity (Petrino & Pitino) isn’t worse than murder, but probation (Caliper) and/ or probation from prostitutes (Pitino) is basically murder for your program.
Arkansas (-8) @ Missouri
I went on way too long during my LSU/ Ed Orgeron fantasy, so let’s keep this as short as possible. Missouri has been pretty inept this year. They’re 3-8, and have lost 4 of their last 5. Even worse, they are giving up almost 500 ypg on defense and almost 240 rush ypg. On the bright side the offense leads the SEC with over 500 ypg including a ridiculous 740 yards they put up last week against the MASH unit defense Tennessee strung together.
Don’t get me wrong here because Arkansas isn’t exactly a world beater, nor do they even have the formidable running attack they were traditionally known for in Bret Beliema’s short tenure as head coach. They’re biggest strength as a team is easily Austin Allen who has been the best QB in the conference this year.
Both of these teams have been kind of a crapshoot this year especially against the spread. However, I think Arkansas rolls in this one. One, they still actually have something to play for. And two, I can’t get past one question when it comes to Missouri which is – HOW IN THE LITERAL FUCK DO YOU PUT UP 740 YARDS OF OFFENSE AND LOSE BY 26 POINTS?! That’s like next level pathetic. Like super hero power of sad. How do you look that impressive on paper and lose by such a staggering amount? That’s like…oh I don’t know…having a lifetime of accomplishments and accolades on your resume to go along with 30 years political experience yet you still find a way to lose in a landslide to a reality show star with no experience and a penchant for pussy grabbing.
So, congrats Missouri you’re basically a less likable Hillary Clinton, and I wish you were forced to play your final game of the season in a pantsuit while Bill Clinton looks on proving that politics and SEC football are both apparently only for grown MEN.
Score – Arkansas 38 Missouri 24
Booze – Holiday Mule. Specifically with Southern Comfort. It’s basically a Moscow Mule with bourbon which is perfect because I’m pretty sure the main reason Trump won the election was because of Southern states and Russian hacking. Also, Holiday Mule is undoubtedly the nickname for Uncle Bret Beliema at every family get together during the holidays. Honestly, the only way Missouri wins this game is if Beliema is still in a food coma from tryptophan, or as I like to call it – Nature’s Roofie. Regardless of your political ties or school allegiance lies I think I speak for everyone when I say – One thing I’m thankful for this holiday season is not having to watch anymore Missouri football after Saturday.
South Carolina @ Clemson (-24)
I’ll choose this game as a part of my Part 1 of Rivalry Week partially because I’m enjoying Thanksgiving at home in beautiful Columbia, South Carolina and also because traditionally this game was played earlier in the week on Thursday. It was even called “Big Thursday” for awhile. “Mercy killing” is a better title for this year’s game.
This used to be a fun game to watch, but I want to watch this battle for South Carolina almost as much as I want to watch to watch someone in a straw cowboy hat sing Jimmy Buffet covers at a Joe’s Crab Shack in Myrtle Beach.
Clemson is overrated in my opinion. I mean granted it’s difficult to go undefeated for an entire college football season. But, is it really that tough when you play a two game schedule in the mighty ACC? I for one would love it if Bama’s schedule was just 3 months full of Syracuse and NC State with a road game to an overrated Florida St sprinkled in. I’m sorry, but if you can’t beat Pitt, AT HOME, I’m going to take you about as seriously as a Vegan at Thanksgiving dinner.
Regardless, Carolina is hot garbage in the summer heat. They gave up 31 points to Western Carolina last week, and their biggest victory this year is Will Muschamp not having a fucking aneurysm on the sidelines during a game. So, I fully expect Clemson to cover this absurd spread and win bragging rights in the Palmetto state.
But, calm your tits Clemson fans. Being the best team in South Carolina is like being the best athlete/ fastest runner at that fat camp in the movie Heavyweights.
Score – Clemson 38 Carolina 10
Booze – Anything in the liquor cabinet. Why? Because this game is almost as unappetizing as the political discussion that is destined for me, and most Americans, this Thanksgiving. And, literally the only thing that can cure an argument about the moral victor in a battle of leaked emails and pussy grabbing is sneaking a cup full of your parents liquor into one of your mom’s quirky coffee mugs that says “Not till I’ve had my coffee.” Heard that. Now excuse me, while you talk about Making America Great Again I’m gonna go Make My Liver Suffer Again.
LSU (-7.5) @ Texas A&M
LSU has nothing to lose. They’re 6-4. They lost last week on a goal line stand to a team they bullied out of a home game. And, Ed Orgeron is most likely coaching his final game as the Tigers interim coach.
What does that mean? Coach O is going to go out in a blaze of fucking glory that’s what. And, if you don’t believe me then you’re clearly forgetting that Oregeron is the same person who once took his shirt off and threatened to fight his defensive players to try and pump them up. I can’t fucking wait.
The potential for theatrics in this game is incredible. My prediction? Glad you asked…
Oregon shows up drunk wearing no shoes holding a turkey leg in each hand. After their first touchdown he will sprint onto the field, steal the ball from the ref, and spike it in the end zone for a 15 yard penalty then mock the ref with a jackoff motion for another 15 yard penalty. In the second quarter he will enter himself in the game after his starting left tackle gives up a sack to Myles Garrett. He will then demand a series of one-on-one drills against Garrett that he will of course win because their is no strength like stubborn blackout drunk strength. At halftime he will give his speech while peeing at the urinal for roughly 7 minutes a la Tom Hanks/ Jimmy Dugan in A League of Their Own.
In the third quarter he will lay down and take a power nap and ask where the uber is repeatedly. And, in the 4th, he will turn out the lights in the stadium, and Leonard Fournette will appear from the rafters with a bat and face paint like Sting announcing that he and Orgeron will become LSU’s new co-head coaches. After the win, Orgeron will Skype in his postgame press conference from a fort he built under the desk in the head coaches office back in Baton Rouge that he locked himself inside of with a piss jar and a bag of snickers for supplies while he refuses to give up his title as head coach.
Score – Orgeron 28 Texas A&M 13
Booze – A lot. Of literally anything. LSU needs to drown the memory of this terrible year. I said preseason that LSU was my favorite to win the national title. So did ESPN the Magazine. In August there were visions of a national title, a Heisman trophy, or at least the end of their 5 year drought to Nick Saban and Alabama. Now, it’s the final week of the regular season, and LSU’s biggest victory of 2016 will most likely be wooing Jimbo Fisher away from Florida State as their new coach. So, drink up Tiger fans. It gets better. At least your not Arkansas.