Usually summertime in SEC country is a 3-4 month stretch that moves as slow as molasses lasting from the Spring Game until September. Classes are out, recruiting is slow, and the only “news” that happens are offseason arrests that you pray only happen to your rival and not your alma mater. Waiting for football season during Summers in the South are more boring than LSU’s offense and move about as fast as Bret Beliema running a 5k.
Simply put – It’s the worst.
That’s why I was so excited to see Jim McElwain’s name scroll across the bottomline ticker on Sportscenter last week. Yes! Something about football! I felt like a 1940’s family who finally got a letter home from their son at War. Open it! What does it say?! What does it say?!
Umm…Huh? Jim McElwain did what with a shark? AND, there’s a picture? *Jaw drops* Oh dear God.
By now I’m sure most of you are aware of what I’m talking about, but if not allow me to paint you a picture that you will never unsee. A picture surfaced last week of a grown man, with the body of a retired church softball player, laying butt ass naked on the back of a dead shark. Let that sink in…
The coach from Florida was allegedly dry humping and playing big spoon to Jaws y’all.
Outrage and hilarity ensued. And, so did a boatload of questions I had. Like:
- Why? Just why?
- Doesn’t that hurt? Shark skin is about as soft as a happy ending massage with sandpaper and brillo pads.
- Why not 2 sharks strictly so you can coin the phrase “Menage a Jaws?”
- There’s no way his wife helps him pick out ties at Belk anymore after she sees this right?
- Why does naked Jim McElwain look like a grown up version of Chunk from The Goonies?
- Please tell me that love is what actually conquers all in the next Sharknado movie?
McElwain vehemently denied any involvement in the romantic involvement with nature’s most dangerous killer. So, for those of you who bet on Les Miles as being the first SEC coach to sleep with an animal you’re still good.
Now, this story is utterly ridiculous. I mean what coach in the SEC would have the immaturity or arrogant ignorace to take a picture naked with an animal? Kiffin is gone which means Beliema and Orgeron are your only candidates, and even they aren’t stupid enough to take selfies while riding the bull literally with a bull shark.
That being said, I feel cheated from this story. Simply put, McElwain is much too likable and much too nice for this to have blown up into something bigger. And, who doesn’t want an entertaining train wreck of entertainment to help us get through the doldrums of summer? I wish this would’ve happened to Saban. He would’ve literally set fire to a Petsmart or poisoned the lobster tank at Red Lobster.
So, here are a few other headlines involving SEC Coaches and animals that are much more believable to help you get through the offseason…
- Nick Saban hates puppies
- Is Bret Beliema an actual hippo?
- Butch Jones – “I’d recruit a tortoise over a hare any day because tortoises have 5 star hearts.”
- Ed Orgeron chokes out Bigfoot
- Cats or Dogs? War Eagles or Tigers? Gus Malzahn can’t decide on favorite.
- HC Barry Odom denies that Missouri’s football program is extinct and is actually still a member of the SEC.