I spent the first month of this season writing for a national website. However, I was informed yesterday that while I’ll still be writing for them my Winning & Boozing article will no longer be published because readership hasn’t been great. Now, I initially took that news in stride and didn’t let it bother me, or my ego, at all.
I’m kidding. I ate my feelings and drank until I couldn’t feel feelings. You know guys sometimes life is tough and it can get you down. Maybe I should just give up. Then again…
DADDY’S HOME AND HE’S UNHINGED AND UNCENSORED. LET’S. FUCKING. GO.
Ole Miss @ Auburn (-20.5)
Ole Miss went to Alabama last weekend and got flat out embarrassed. Like a teenager unexpectedly getting a no-reason boner right as the bell rings embarrassed. The best offense in the SEC was held to just 253 total yards and 3 points. And, that was with a week off. I haven’t seen that big of an implosion after extra prep time since the fucking Spaceship Challenger. Ole Miss is basically on a season long tour of karma induced beatings from the rest of the conference.
Auburn, on the other hand beat back to back conference opponents by 30 points for the first time in…a long time. Sorry, I didn’t research it. This isn’t a reputable site. It’s my site. So fucking deal with it. Regardless, Auburn is good again, and they’re doing it in typical Auburn fashion. No, not by a good defense or offense. They’re doing it with a great kicker and a roster full of dudes with names like Kamryn and Kerryon. With a K!
Score – Auburn 44 Ole Miss 13
Booze – Snakebite. Bottom line: Auburn scares the shit out of me. They’re like a snake in the grass just waiting to jump up and knock off Bama. And, I hate snakes. Anyone that tells you snakes are as scared of you as you are of them is a fucking liar and an idiot. They can move without legs, and smell with their fucking tongues you guys.
Also, to my knowledge , a snake has never gotten so scared of ME that he has pissed his cargo shorts at a Cub Scout campfire and was then called a pussy throughout the rest of middle school.
UGA (-17.5) @ Vandy
Remember 3 weeks ago when Vandy was undefeated? They were like that adorable child your dumb ass friends would constantly post pics of on Facebook while constantly overstating their cuteness while understating their actual age. We get it. Hannah Grace Marie is totes adorbs in her Lilly Pullitzer head bow. However can we also agree that she’s two and a half and not 30 fucking months you monster?! Stop addressing your child’s age like it’s the weight of a goddamn trophy t-shirt you get while eating a Porterhouse Steak.
Score – UGA 31 Vandy 13
Booze – Coors Light. Coldest Light Beer in the U.S. of A. That’s right. Salute yourselves with a fake, shitty title that no one takes seriously UGA fans. Coldest beer in the world is almost as cool as being the best team in the SEC Least. News Flash: all beer is cold because it’s in a goddamn fridge and all SEC East rivalries this year will be taken about as seriously as an “accomplishment” one of you idiots “achieved” during an eating competition at a Logan’s Roadhouse. There are peanuts on the ground! No one cares.
Mizzou @ Kentucky (-10)
You can throw out the record books when these two meet. Because no one gives a shit. Mizzou is bad. And Kentucky is more of an after thought than a Friday class senior year or a fucking middle child from a Brady Bunch episode. Sorry Jan. At least you’re more likable than either of these shit storms pining for attention as the middle child of the worst division in college football.
Score – Kentucky 34 Mizzou 21
Booze – Chocolate Porter. Mizzou should be looking toward basketball season with the #1 recruit in the country, Michael Porter Jr. & his brother Jontay. This Mizzou vs. Kentucky matchup will be much better on (02/03/2018), when these 2 schools meet on the court.
Arkansas (-2) @ South Carolina
If you love football and you love beastiality references then you are gonna LOVE this game. The Cocks look to take it to the Hogs. Bret Beliema, the BWW of HC’s heads down for an SEC POV with Coach Boom! Surprisingly Arkansas is only a 2 point favorite despite Carolina being less potent than a geriatric’s downstairs during a weekend trip to Lake Flaccid.
Ok, that’s enough unwarranted porn references. I’d apologize, but something needs to make this game seem actually appetizing. Neither of these teams are very good. Honestly, both are more underwhelming than a post-mastectomy tit pic. Trust me.
Score – Arkansas 24 S. Carolina 21
Booze – Angry Orchard. Because, if you’re a dude in a relationship who is also an SEC fan, at some point during a season you’re gonna be forced to do two things: 1) watch shit games like this and 2) have your gf force you into going to something stupid like a day trip to a fucking apple orchard to break up the monotony of your football season fun. And even worse, some asshole idiot is going to try and tell you that either is worth your time. Gross.
LSU @ Florida (-3)
These two teams face off at 3;30 for what is supposed to be the premiere game in the SEC. However, these two teams are grossly atrocious. I’m tired, so I’ll be short. This game is gonna look like two former heavyweights batting it out. But, in a much sadder way because both are inept and about as fun to watch as two dudes with retard strength in an Indian leg wrestling match.
Score – Florida 26 LSU 21
Booze – Mind Eraser. We need something strong enough to forget Ed Orgeron’s hiring and Jim McElwain’s gross ass teeth.
Alabama (-26.5) @ Texas A&M
You idiots. You fucking idiots. You show up with your 4-1 record and your pleated khaki EVERYTHING like some cadet in Major Payne. I walked into this week trying to trick myself into being a good fan and pretending that this could be an actual test for Bama. And then your school’s social media called out Bama on Twitter saying “They thought they wanted Bama. We KNOW we want Bama.”
A&M knows they want Bama like they know they want to be in the SEC, like they know they want to play a November schedule, and like they know their fake army men want to go to actual war.
A&M WANTS BAMA LIKE JOHNNY MANZIEL WANTS A CLEAN LIVER AND ACTUAL FUTURE.
Score – Bama 45 A&M 17
Booze – Bourbon and Water. Specifically Basil Hayden’s and Evian. Why? Because this is a top matchup in the SEC, and that deserves a Top shelf bourbon. However, one of these teams is overvaluing themselves. That’s why Evian is essential.
Bourbon and water is a staple of any Southerner’s bar order rolodex. But, using Evian as a mixer seems more out of place than A&M’s title contention or their abundance of (alleged) heterosexual bro love that the Aggie fans have for each other.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m a bro. I mean I love fist bumps, high fives, and Fireball as much as the next middle-class-Wop wearing a Snapback and tank top about ironic patriotism.
However, one thing I’ve never done with my bros is link arm-in- arm and sway back and forth while singing. Nor, have I ever met up at midnight for a 30 minute practice session for stadium chants when we could be at a bar talking to women. And lastly, I’ve never joined ROTC in college so I could get course credits for playing dress up as a fake Army man.
Congrats A&M – you’re basically a French Paul Blart only less respectable and with more starch in your short sleeved button downs.