On last week’s episode of “As The World
I returned home to Red White & Bro for the first time this season after spending July-August writing, traveling, and doing on-camera work for a well-known SEC that shall remain nameless. However, I was recently informed that my humor and writing was a little “too offensive” and “edgy” for their audience after I called former Mississippi St head coach Sylvester Croom a “Black Wilford Brimley” for those “Dia-beet-us” commercials.
Sorry, I’m not sorry. That’s a great fucking reference. Regardless, I’m back – Uncensored and Unemployed y’all. And, after a 6-1 record SU and ATS last week I am unapologetically confident heading into this Saturday. Call me Stella because I got my groove back bitches.
In keeping with the theme of this midseason/ midlife crisis I’m in I have decided to make a few changes to the article this week. This is the 5th year of writing Winning & Boozing, and for half a decade we’ve only discussed SEC games. It’s time to spread our wings y’all. Moving forward not only will you get analysis, predictions, and booze selections for every game and tailgate in the SEC, but we’ll also be discussing a handful of other games from around the nation.
Idaho @ Mizzou (-15.5)
Missouri showed signs of life last week in Athens and were even tied 21-21 midway through the 2nd Quarter. Sadly they ran out of gas by halftime and eventually lost 53-28. It was like watching a fat kid with asthma get an early lead in the potato sack race at 4th Grade Field Day. We were surprised. We were intrigued. And, we almost started to believe there could be a chance…
Then they began to wheeze and get red faced, and fell to the ground with a side cramp because they had 3 pizza Lunchables and 8 Yo0Hoo’s at lunch. It’s fine. You did your best. The Tigers have looked better over the past two weeks offensively, but their defense is still giving up almost 500 ypg. I wouldn’t trust them to cover just like I wouldn’t trust leaving a pizza Lunchable in my classroom cubby where Patrick’s fat ass can see it.
Score – Mizzou 34 Idaho 23
Booze – Boyd & Blair Vodka. Why? It’s a potato based vodka, and the only thing I know about Idaho is that it’s known for potatoes and that the state looks like a giant foam finger.
Also, we tried to bring this vodka in at the bar I work at in Atlanta. Everyone hated it and complained that it didn’t belong in our bar. And, that’s exactly how most SEC fans feel about Missouri being in the SEC. I would feel bad about saying that, but my best friend is from St. Charles so I can. Plus, he’s making me help him move this Monday. Missouri is the fucking worst you guys.
Auburn (-14.5) @ Arkansas
Welcome back to this week’s edition of “SEC Coaching Hunger Games!” Each week two teams face-off in a fight for survival to avoid a divisional loss AND the unemployment line. This week’s contestants are an “offensive guru” who loves to let fans down – Gus Malzahn. And, his opponent in the red corner – everyone’s favorite fat guy AND our returning champion – Bret Bielema.
Theatrics aside neither one of these teams should fire their coach. I would miss Bret Bielema way too much. We need him. He’s like Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks 2. Sure he’s not in shape. Or focused. Or even remotely good at his job. BUT, he’s entertaining, and at least he’s not a girl. Right? You get it.
Also, Auburn fans should calm their tits on firing Malzahn. The Tigers still control their own destiny in the conference, and their only two losses came in literally BOTH Death Valleys. Plus, Heath Evans is apparently the only qualified applicant as he showed last Saturday with this makeshift resume on Twitter where he misspelled “hired” as “highered” SEVERAL times you guys.
Score – Auburn 34 Arkansas 14
Booze – Smirnoff Vodka. Specifically in a Grey Goose Bottle. I have a friend named Bryan who is the worst to go out with because he takes himself too seriously. He’s always an issue at bars and restaurants. One time in Nashville we watched Bryan return a vodka soda 3 times claiming that it was flavored vodka instead of “premium vodka” like he ordered. We then watched the bartender pour a drink from the Ketel One bottle THREE separate times, and Bryan still refused to believe it and even accused them of putting flavored shitty vodka into their premium bottles.
That being said…
There’s no better analogy for Auburn football than bottom shelf vodka that’s in a top shelf bottle. That’s exactly what they are. They’re a bottle of Smirnoff pretending to be Grey Goose. Gus Malzahn is not an elite coach. Jeremy Johnson and Jarett Stidham are not Heisman Trophy QB’s. And, for the 9th straight year you’re not even the best Tiger themed team in your own damn division. Stop pretending to be something or someone else little brother.
Kentucky @ Miss. St. (-12.5)
Kentucky is 5-1 and absolutely nobody outside of BBN knows it. Kentucky football and BBN is forgotten about more than Arbor Day. And, that’s kind of ironic because most people also don’t know that “BBN” stands for “Big Blue Nation” and instead have to do a double take since they originally thought it said “BBW.” Hopefully you’re as depraved as I am and get that reference…
As for the game – Kentucky is better than people think, but they will still get cucked in front of the entire conference on SEC Network this Saturday against Miss St.
Score – Miss St 31 Kentucky 23
Booze – Brown Derby. It’s a craft cocktail made with bourbon, agave, and grapefruit juice served in a Martini glass. Fancy huh? No. Here’s the deal guys – Bourbon should be enjoyed neat or on the rocks. The flavor shouldn’t be drowned out with a mixer (especially Coke), and it should NEVER be served with a straw. It’s grown men shit.
That’s why the brown derby is perfect for Kentucky. They’re 5-1 and just bellied up to the bar hoping to rub shoulders with the other regulars in the SEC. Then they ask about the bourbon list, and just as you do a double take and say, “Oh shit. I see you Kentucky.” They ask if you’ll add sugar and fruit juice to that small batch bourbon and pour it into a martini glass.
Smh. Shit like that is why you lost to Florida for the 31st consecutive year.
LSU (-6.5) @ Ole Miss
LSU was my team of the week for Week 7. Not only did they come back from a 20 pt deficit to beat Auburn, but they also gave us the gift of Les Miles returning home to Tiger Stadium. It was exciting for many reasons. Mainly because part of me was hoping there would be some awkward tension between him and Ed Orgeron.
It had to be weird for Les to come back and his former team be coached by their new Dad. The whole situation felt as uncomfortable as a cordial conversation between a Dad & Stepdad at a dysfunctional family birthday party. Please play nice guys. It’s LSU’s 12th birthday. Besides, nothing helps ease the tension of a divorce and broken home quite like chocolate cake, laser tag, and Tommy’s new Dad and Real Dad bonding over small talk and silence.
Luckily, what we got instead was another installment of the absolute fucking national treasure that is Les Miles when he gave an in-depth tutorial to Allie LaForce on how to correctly eat a blade of grass like some kind of goddamn sawgrass sommelier. Anyways, I would have to assume LSU has turned the corner and won’t go back to their old ways of September.
Score – LSU 28 Ole Miss 21
Booze – Corpse Reviver. This martini is made with 1.5 oz of Tanqueray and Cointreau. .5 oz of Lillet, and a half lemon squeeze. Then add a dash of Absinthe. I don’t know if it’s any good y’all, but the name fits after LSU’s big win last week. Plus, it has absinthe which scares the shit out me. But, not as much as Ed Orgeron. His voice always sounds like the bass dropping in an EDM song.
Bama (-34.5) vs. Tennessee
Let’s just address the elephant in the room. How in the fuck is Butch Jones still employed? We all know he’s gonna be fired. Just do it already. There are POW’s with cancer who haven’t died a death this slow and painful. The only person to undeservingly hold onto their job longer than Butch Jones is Milton from Office Space.
It’s almost as pointless to breakdown this game because the stats are so sadly uneven. Regardless, here’s all you need to know…
Alabama is first in the SEC in Scoring Offense (42.7 ppg). Tennessee is last (21.7 ppg).
Alabama is first in the SEC in Rushing Offense (302.6 ypg). Tennessee is last in Rush Defense giving up 242.8 ypg.
It’s been 4018 days since Tennessee has beaten Alabama in football. I could go on and on about my hatred for Tennessee as an Alabama fan. But, that would be a bigger waste of time than buying into the rumors that John Gruden would ever want to coach again and turn this shitstorm of a program around.
Score – Alabama 48 Tennessee 10
Booze – Cigar City Good Gourd Almighty. It’s tradition that the winning team on the Third Saturday in October smokes a victory cigar. This Bourbon Barrel Aged Imperial Pumpkin Ale from this appropriately named brewery is perfect. Enjoy Vols fans! Pour one out, and light one up because Bama is about to fuck you up.
And now we’ll take our first Winning & Boozing road trip West of the Mississippi and North of the Mason Dixon line to get scattered, smothered, and cultured around the rest of the Power 5.
Louisville @ Florida State (-6.5)
Vegas is really mind fucking me on this one you guys. Louisville is 4th in the country in Total Offense, and they put up 63 on a much better FSU team last year. FSU is averaging a whopping 18 ppg and their only two wins were 4th Quarter comebacks against Wake Forest and Duke.
So why in the literal fuck are they favored by 6.5 points?! I don’t know, but I feel like I should avoid betting this line like I avoid my Mother’s phone calls and girls with cold sores. I guess the only solution is to trust Vegas and hope the Abreva works.
Score – FSU 31 Louisville 21
Booze – Crown Apple. Lamar Jackson and FSU. A Heisman trophy winner and the former king of the ACC. These are two respected and recognizable figures in college football just like Crown Royal is a staple brand of booze. However, 2017 FSU and Lamar both have 3 losses and aren’t the same as their former selves. Also, Crown Apple is equally as shitty and inferior to their original brand. Crown is for people who win stiff-arm trophies and finish in the Top 5 for 14 straight years. Crown Apple is for people named Chad that have chinstrap facial hair, spiderweb elbow tats, and have aged worse than Mel Gibson’s career. People who drink it are the same people who celebrate last second road wins against basketball schools.
USC @ Notre Dame (-3.5)
Despite being 5-1 this season Notre Dame has somehow flown under the radar. Their solid start has been kept more quiet than an altar boy scandal with Father O’Malley. Bottom line – USC is overrated and are only 1-5 ATS this year. Take ND, but not to cover because God hates gambling and sin.
Score – Notre Dame 33 USC 31
Booze – Communion Wine. Why? Because despite my Mom being a pastor I only go to church twice a year Easter and Christmas. I don’t have anything against church. I just don’t like sitting still, and stained glass window murder scenes terrify me. I also only watch teams like Notre Dame and USC twice a year, and it’s usually to watch them lose. Outside of Rudy it’s really hard to root for Notre Dame because cheering for Notre Dame is like cheering for a bank.
Michigan @ Penn St (-9.5)
9.5 points? That’s a pretty big spread for this game. I’m almost confident that every Big 10 game I’ve ever watched has been a 16-13 final score. Just another classic barn burner featuring 60 minutes of fullback dives and punting miscues. At least the snow makes it look cool I guess. I’m only watching to see if Saquan Barkley will kick a 50 yard field goal or walk on water. Through 6 games he’s Penn State’s leading rusher, receiver, and has a QB rating of 564. That’s real y’all.
Score – Penn St 26 Michigan 13
Booze – Amstel Light. Why? At some point someone just told us that this was a good beer and that was final. Just like Kale salads, Daylights savings time, and Beyonce. Nobody really knows if it’s good. We just accepted it as fact. It’s like people assuming Michigan football has a tradition and history of winning despite only having 1 National title since 1948.
Nobody goes out wanting to watch a Big 10 football game just like nobody goes out hoping to drink Amstel Light. It just happens out of desperation. I’m not even sure there’s an Amstel light brewery because I kind of think they’re just kinda there. Like a guardian angel. But, not your first choice and instead like the 6th man of guardian angels. I honestly think both may just be a figment of our imagination.
Honestly, I think they’re made from David Blaine magic tricks, then delivered by Storks, and finally sold to you for $9 a bottle at a boujee bar or strip club you don’t want to be at. It’s stale Stella. And, the Big 10 is for people who hate fun and the forward pass.
Enjoy this weekend’s games, and remember to check out our weekly podcast. Cheers!