Welcome back to another edition of Winning & Boozing! Let’s get right into the highs and lows of the week you guys….
Highs – I went undefeated straight up in my picks last week and even went 5-1 against the spread. That means I’m now 11-0 SU & 8-3 ATS in the last 2 weeks and 62-14 & 30-32-1 respectively for the season.
Lows – I got fired from my bartending job at Houston’s after 5.5 years of employment there. Long story short new management was upset that I dropped an f bomb after someone told me to get off my period. Then this dialogue unfolded…
New manager – “You don’t fight fire with fire Chris. You fight fire with a fire extinguisher.”
Me – “Only part of that is a real saying Brendan.”
New Manager – “It’s Brennan.”
Anyways, for those of you keeping score at home I’m now 0-2 Straight Up on the season in Employment as well haha. On the positive side I’ve had a great week of fun-employment. I’ve watched a lot of movies, eaten a lot of pizza, and won Halloween with my costume of Gay Fieri. Let’s move on to Week 10’s games where losing money is literally not an option anymore for your Uncle Chris…
Florida @ Mizzou (-3.5)
Speaking of unemployment…Florida will head to CoMo without their fearless leader Jim McElwain. McElwain was also fired last Sunday after a 42-7 loss to UGA, a fake death threat story, and a generally underwhelming performance to the UF fanbase during his 2+ years in Gainesville. Don’t feel sorry for him though he will still get at least part of his buyout, and he’ll be up to his neck in shark pussy.
Mizzou has scored 120 points in their last 2 games. Florida’s offense has scored 131 points the entire season. Yikes. I hate picking either of these teams to cover. It’s like looking at a pair of conjoined twins and figuring out who the hot one is. I don’t know they’re sharing a fucking eyeball, and Missouri’s defense is giving up over 450 ypg. Insert shoulder shrug emoji here.
Score – Florida 31 Mizzou 30
Booze – Pinot Noir. Why? Because I’m unemployed, and that’s literally what I’m drinking right now. Don’t get me wrong I love red wine. However, there is one downside and that’s what it does to your teeth. Have you ever tried to makeout with a girl after you’ve shared a bottle of wine or two? It’s gross. Your teeth look like a character in a goddamn Dicken’s novel. And, there’s no better way to describe Jim McElwain and his grill better than a “British bro with an underbite.” McElwain’s teeth are so jagged and jaded they should be an Alanis Morissette song.
Coastal Carolina @ Arkansas (-23.5)
The Bret Beliema Farewell Tour continues this week as the Razorbacks take on the Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina. If that sentence doesn’t get you fired up I don’t know what will. Let’s not spend a lot of time on this game. Honestly I feel like the only reason it’s even being played at Arkansas is because if they played it at CCU Beliema probably would’ve just missed his flight home and kept his fat ass in Myrtle Beach and ended up becoming an assistant manager at a Joe’s Crab Shack where he could stand in a corner laughing to himself at all the “I Got Crabs” t-shirts like the big dumb animal that he is.
Score – Arkansas 48 Joe’s Crab Shack University 20
Booze – Trashy Rita. Why? Because there’s nothing about Myrtle Beach that is classy. It’s a bastion of tetanus and tourist trap treasures. This margarita is an actual drink on the Joe’s Crab Shack menu btw. And, it even comes in a souvenir trash can which is exactly where this Razorback season belongs. (And, calm your tits if you think I should’ve used that reference for Tennessee. Just wait…)
Southern Miss @ Tennessee (-6)
Tennessee is averaging 309 ypg and is 1-6 ATS this season. However, I don’t even know the difference between Brendan and Brennan, so who am I to judge? I feel like they’re a lock to continue their season of fuckuppery. However, Southern Miss lost by 18 to UAB last week, and they didn’t even have a GD football program last year.
Score – Tennessee 24 Southern Miss 17
Booze – Vodka and Valium. Why? If there’s anything that Tennessee fans need right now it’s something to take away the pain. What better than this “drink & downer” concoction? It was a go to for former Golden Eagle Brett Favre during most of his football career, and if you can’t trust an endorsement from Brett Favre who can you trust?! Hell I have so many copper fit elbow sleeves and micro touch razors I had to hand them out for Halloween this year.
Western Kentucky @ Vandy (-10)
Part of me wants to pick the upset here since Vandy has lost 5 in a row. Plus, Sportsline is giving the Hilltoppers a 97% chance to cover the double digit spread. However, Vandy’s QB Kyle Shurmur has quietly put together a great season with 18 TD’s and only 3 INT’s, and WKU lost to Florida Atlantic last week. That’s right the same FAU that’s coached by Lane Kiffin. I can’t trust it. Take the points.
Score – Vandy 31 WKU 24
Booze – Kentucky Coffee. Think an Irish Coffee, but with Kentucky bourbon instead of Jameson. Why? Because thanks to my vast amount of research for this article I discovered that Western Kentucky University actually has a Brewing and Distilling Educational Program.
That’s right. At Western Kentucky you can wake up, get yourself a coffee, and head to an 8 am class about booze. We’re living in 2017, and WKU is living in 3017 y’all. Smh.
UMass @ Mississippi St (-32)
UMass is giving up 30 ppg, and Mississippi St has won 3 in a row all by 20+ points. I think UMass backdoor covers late as MSU pulls the starters to rest for the big game against Bama next week.
Score – Miss St 45 UMass 14
Booze – Molly & Aquafina. Ok, so there’s no booze in this, but this will be a lot more fun. Molly AKA Ecstasy AKA MDMA AKA the most you’ll ever sweat in your life while still having fun.
Why? Mississippi State is about to be 7-2. And, with 7 matchups featuring ranked teams this week they have a chance to move well into the Top 15 before Bama comes to town. That sounds great and exciting and almost like ecstasy for a team and town that have little else to get excited about once the Country Fair closes shop every year.
That’s the high. What’s the biggest downside of Molly? The come down. Jesus. Imagine a hangover with nothing but bright lights, loud noises, and you’re being forced to rehydrate your body with room temperature tequila. It’s a fucking nightmare. And, so will be playing Alabama next week with the all the national attention it will get.
Ole Miss @ Kentucky (-3.5)
Kentucky did their best to giveaway that game against Tennessee last week. But, even their own self destruction wasn’t enough to overcome Butch Jones. Seamless transition – this week they play host to Ole Miss who blew a 31-7 lead a week ago and lost on a last second field goal to Arkansas. I hate this line with 3 and a hook. Kentucky is 6-2, and they have been a really improved football team. Also, Ole Miss has to have given up by now right?
I don’t know. But, I do know Kentucky doesn’t have the talent in their secondary to matchup with Ole Miss’ receivers or stop Shea Patterson at QB. What I also know is that both these teams are giving up over 400 ypg on defense, and that Ole Miss’ head coach ALWAYS looks like an angry Dad trying to get his kids to leave a birthday pool party.
The over is 63.5. That’s a damn gift. Take it.
Score – Ole Miss 38 Kentucky 35
Booze – Red Wine. I know I know too much Pinot this week. But, this one makes a lot of sense because this summer Scientist’s in the UK found that people who drank red wine after studying showed improved memory. Why is that important? Because I’ve had a hard time all season remembering that either of these teams are relevant.
Auburn (-15) @ Texas A&M
Auburn is headed to College Station as a 2 TD favorite over the Aggies. The line opened at only 12.5 and quickly moved up in favor of the Tigers. Sportsline has this game pegged as a 94% chance of the Aggies covering the spread. Why? I have no clue. Auburn is coming off a bye week, and has one of the most balanced offenses in the country avg over 462 ypg. Also, their defense is stingier than a Rabbi trying to win a game of Super Market Sweep.
“Deals? I don’t care about deals. We don’t need that much matzo ball soup! Now put it back Julian Gabriel Goldenstein!”
Auburn should win this game handily. However, I feel like they’ll take their foot off the gas early since they have UGA and Bama in the upcoming weeks. I mean Malzahn isn’t one to be super conservative usually, but the man does wear sweater vests which seems more conservative and bland than a Mike Pence mixtape. Plus, A&M is 5-2 ATS this season.
Score – Auburn 31 Texas A&M 17
Booze – Purity & Pedialyte. Purity Vodka and Orange Pedialyte. Why? Because pedialyte is great for rapid hydration. Just like blacking out and public urination it’s a staple on any guy’s weekend I’ve ever been on. Well, at least for me anyways. Regardless, the pedialyte is perfect because the Tigers are gonna need to be as healthy and ready as possible this month since they have to play the #1 and #2 teams in the country in a 3 week span. Also, the Purity vodka is essential because it sounds almost religious and Auburn needs as much divine intervention as possible to finish this month undefeated, and I’m assuming they used up all their good karma back in 2013.
South Carolina @ #1 Georgia/ NUMBER ONE UGA/ THE TOP RANKED GEORGIA BULLDOGS (-24.5)
There. Did I write it enough times Dawg fans? You’re number one. You’ve earned it. You have a great team. Blah blah blah. Now you get to have the target on your back, and after this week you actually have to play teams not in the SEC East. All with a freshman QB. Yaaaaaay.
What could go wrong? I mean you guys usually handle hype and expectations really well in Athens….
Score – UGA 31 South Carolina 13
Booze – Schlitz. Why? Because it was one of the most popular beers in the country in 1980, and that’s the last time you guys were ranked number one during an actual season. Also, Farva LOVED Schlitz’s in everyone’s favorite comedy cult classic Super Troopers. He kept trying to order like 6 at a time at that banquet. Why is that important? Because your fans have become almost annoying as Farva was that entire movie. We get it. You’re number one. But, it’s only November, and there’s no way I’m going to admit you’re the best team in the country just like I won’t call it “Team RamRod.”
LSU @ Bama (-21.5)
“This that Grey Poupon, that Evian, that Ted Talk.” – Kendrick Lamar.
Seamless transition from the UGA talk where everyone wants to scream “Bitch be humble. Sit down.” LSU and Bama face off in their annual primetime matchup the first week of November. Kendrick lyrics aside this game is always the best matchup of the year in the SEC. The teams are always stacked to the gills with NFL talent, and loaded in the trenches.
So why in the literal fuck is Bama a 21.5 point favorite over LSU?! That escalated quickly you guys. LSU comes in with a healthy Derrius Guice, and they’ve won 3 in a row.
Here’s the deal y’all – I’m a Bama fan. I know they have the #1 ranked Rushing, Total, and Scoring Offense in the SEC. I also know they have the #1 ranked Rushing, Total, and Scoring Defense in the SEC. I ALSO, know they have the #1 ranked Rushing, Total, and Scoring Defense in the entire country. However, this game has been decided by 10+ points just three times in the past decade.
Score – Bama 27 LSU 10
Booze – Crown. You know why.