I wanted to write a funny and clever intro updating my week, but I found myself watching compilations of soldiers surprising their loved ones while returning home from war. Now my Macbook Air is covered in tears. So, I’ll just keep it short and say this..
- Last week I went8-1 SU and 5-3-1 ATS which means I am now back to .500 for this season ATS! (70-15 SU & 35-35-2 ATS on the season)
- Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all the men and women who have served this great country to make it what it is today. Specifically thank you to one of my best friends Rich Janofsky who has served two tours overseas and is one of the best people I have ever known.
Now, dry those eyes, and let’s talk some fucking football. Cheers!
Florida @ South Carolina (-6)
Story time boys and girls. I used to live in Columbia, SC during a semester off from college in the Fall of 2008. While there I worked at a restaurant in the Vista called Liberty Tap Room. During our Christmas party that year I got into one of the most awkward incidents of my entire life.
After the Christmas party I stumbled home with a girl I worked with. At the time I was still a virgin and saving myself for marriage. This was before I got into my rebellious Avril Lavigne phase. Don’t ask. Anyways, all I remember from that night was getting my lip bit WAY too much, and at one point realizing that my entire face was covered in saliva. It was like I was making out with fucking Beethoven the dog. The next morning I woke up with her standing over me saying she was leaving. I asked where to, and she said, “My boyfriend’s apartment. He lives on the 5th floor.”
I was fucking mortified. THEN I got up to go to the bathroom and bad turned to worse, as I was covered in blood. I never figured out where the blood came from, but it ruined my best Chaps Ralph Lauren white button down I’ll tell you that much. I had to call my friend Amy to come pick me up. Luckily she sped over in her Pontiac Sunfire with a bag full of breakfast from Sonic and we got the f out of there before I got my ass kicked.
Why do I tell you this? Because drunkenly going home with an adultress who licked my face like a Saint Bernard and may or may not have sacrificed a small animal on my best business casual outfit is equally as nightmarishly awful as what has happened to Florida this season and what will happen to them this weekend in Cola.
Score – S. Carolina 24 Florida 13
Booze – Bloody Mary. The only thing worse than trying to cure your hangover with glass of vodka and tomato juice is actually waking up covered in blood at a girl named Mary’s.
Arkansas @ LSU (-17)
Arkansas was losing by 12 points in the 4th quarter last week to Coastal Carolina. At one point ESPN was even projecting a 92% chance for Coastal Carolina to pull off the win. Coastal. Fucking. Carolina. Arkansas came back and won by 1 point against the mighty Chanticleers.
On the other hand, LSU has looked much improved since their loss to Troy. They even out-gained Alabama in total yards last week. Arkansas has nothing for LSU, and their defense has given up 37 points or more in each of their last 5 games. Geaux to bed early Tiger fans. An 11 am start in Death Valley seems more unnatural and out of place than a third nipple.
Score – LSU 34 Arkansas 14
Booze – Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan Beer. I really wanted to choose something from Abita Brewery like Pecan Pie Soda or The Boot since it’s literally the name of the trophy in this rivalry. However, I chose the pecan themed beer because I hate it just like I hate that this game isn’t being played the day after Thanksgiving anymore like the good Lord intended.
Pecans don’t belong in beer just like this game doesn’t belong on any other date than Black Friday with a 2:30 pm kickoff right when my fat ass has made my first leftover turkey sandwich from the day before. Thank you.
Louisiana @ Ole Miss (-20)
Last week I picked Ole Miss to win their first road game of the year in the upset against Kentucky. However, I also told you that the over was the real play. Same goes for this week. The over is at 67 this week. Both of these teams are giving up over 450 ypg on defense and also over 37 ppg. Take the over, and take Ole Miss to cover.
Score – Ole Miss 48 Louisiana 20
Booze – Abita Creole Cream Ale. It’s a mild and dry-hopping easy drinking brew from Abita that’s great for “a front porch jam session or a Sunday sauce piquant.” Am I right?! I don’t know what any of that fucking means. I also don’t know the name of Ole Miss’ coach, and also didn’t know that QB Shea Patterson was out due to injury. But, that’s fine. I mean Ole Miss doesn’t even know what the fuck a burner phone is, so we’re even.
Kentucky @ Vandy (-2)
Kentucky is still one game away from becoming bowl eligible, as they lost to lowly Ole Miss last weekend. This week they face a Vandy team who is somehow favored in a conference game. Huh? It’s actually not that shocking once you realize that Kentucky’s pass defense has more holes in it than a pair of swiss cheese flavored edible undies. Their D is giving up almost 280 pass ypg which is last in the SEC and 120th in the country. That’s not good considering Vandy’s starting QB Kyle Shurmur has thrown for 20 TD’s this season.
Even more shocking than those stats? Kentucky hasn’t beaten Vandy in Nashville since 2009. That’s right. Nobody walks into that hornet’s nest and comes out unscathed. Anchors away! Or down! Or whatever. Shut up nerds.
Score – Vandy 24 CANTucky 21
Booze – Southern Tier PumKing. That’s right a seasonal October themed brew seems fitting for this divisional “rivalry.” Why? Because it’s November. Both of these teams have been forgotten about now that we’re in November just like we also forgot about pumpkins, having daylight after 5 PM, and having to do cardio anymore since it’s cuffing season. Cheers!
New Mexico @ Texas A&M (-17.5)
A&M has faltered coming down the stretch this season which comes as a surprise to literally no one. A&M football is basically the opposite of that Wyclef Jean song “Gone til November.” The good news is they take on the Lobos from the Land of Enchantment who have lost 4 in a row but are undefeated this season as far as opponents not knowing what the fuck a Lobo is.
Score – Texas A&M 35 New Mexico 17
Booze – Magic Hat No. 9. Why? Because every November Sumlin and the Aggies disappear from relevance like goddamn Houdini. He’s won just 3 games against the SEC in the month of November in the last 4 years.
Tennessee @ Mizzou (-12)
In this week’s episode of “Is this rock bottom?” Tennessee sees itself as a double digit underdog against Missouri. JEsus Christ Tennessee.
Remember that time Pigeon Forge burned to the ground? Or when Clay Aiken recorded his country Christmas album? Or this week 5 years ago when I woke up on the floor in a Holiday Inn Express next to a girl with a buzz cut who I apparently nicknamed as “Dandelion Hair” because that’s exactly what it looked like? Do you?! DO YOU?! Because apparently
people my friends didn’t forget and will never let me forget it either.
Why are those tragedies important? Well, those are the only three things to ever happen in that state that are more depressing than the state of Tennessee’s football program. You’re welcome Tennessee. I took that grenade for you. Now pardon my french, but how in the literal fuck are you a double digit underdog to Mizzou?
The Tigers lead the SEC in offense and Tennessee is about as offensive as a Kidz Bop rap album. Not even thin skinned fragile millenials could view the Vols as offensive. Boom. Roasted.
Score – Mizzou 31 Tennessee 14
Booze – Boulevard Double Wide IPA. It’s a great brewery from the state of Missouri, and it’s honestly the only IPA I’ve ever had that doesn’t taste like a sock. The Double Wide is perfect because that’s the only kind of fancy materialistic things that Vol fans can take pride in. My advice? Buy a few cases of this brew and back up the brinks truck to Gruden’s house and make him the king of your double wide trailer Vol nation.
Bama (-14.5) @ Miss St.
This is a game that many viewed as a trap game or potential upset before the season started. Mississippi State has a dual threat QB and Bama always struggles with dual threat quarterbacks according to every stale narrative from national pundits. Insert eye roll here.
Mississippi State is a good football team this year. Their defense is giving up under 300 ypg, and QB Nick Fitzgerald is the 5th leading rusher in the SEC at almost 90 ypg. They’re also undefeated at home this season. However, their two losses to Auburn and UGA were by a combined 67 points. And, those teams aren’t Alabama.
Bama comes into this game decimated at the LB position having lost 2 more starters for the season which now makes 4 LB’s lost for the season. The Tide will replace both missing LB’s with freshman former 5 stars Chris Allen and Dylan Moses. Also keep in mind that against Bama last year Nick Fitzgerald had a completion percentage of 30% and the Bulldogs gained only 216 yards on offense. Bama wins, but the new faces on the D will miss a few assignments in Starkvegas.
Score – Bama 27 Miss St 17
Booze – VING (Vodka) & Juice. Any juice. Grab some Arden’s Garden immunity booster bullshit. But make sure it’s healthy because Bama needs to get healthy. That’s what the VING’s Vodka is for. Oh, you’ve never heard of VING’s vodka? Ha. You simple minded hillbilly.
VING Vodka is the newest boutique vodka from LA and it’s an “all organic, gluten free, non-GMO, additive free, and sugar free vodka infused with kale, cucumber, and lemon peel.” Swear to God. I should know my girlfriend is from LA and wouldn’t shut up about it. To her credit though my inner chi and spiritual life force has really blossomed during Mercury’s retrograde.
UGA (-2.5) @ Auburn
Ah. My absolute favorite game of the year every year. God I love this game. The Deep South’s oldest rivalry renews for another edition this Saturday in Jordan Hare. I love this game for so many reasons: the tradition, the fact that the first game was played a mile from my house in Piedmont Park, AND it usually results in Auburn getting beat up before playing Bama.
This year’s game should be another classic matchup as UGA carries its #1 ranking into Auburn to face a Top 10 opponent. The Dawgs have looked incredible this year under second year head coach Kirby Smart. They have a pounding ground game and an absolutely suffocating defense. Auburn is a mirror image of their cross-divisional foes, as the Tigers rely on RB Kerryon Johnson and a front 7 that is one of the best of the country.
I’ll make no bones about this pick. I will be a MASSIVE UGA fan this weekend. However, I don’t see the Dawgs leaving the Plains unbeaten. Georgia is a REALLY good football team, and can still win the conference and possibly national title. However, they haven’t faced a team like Auburn yet. I know some of you will roll your eyes since they beat Notre Dame and their vaunted rushing attack on the road already this season. This is a different animal. (It’s two of them really if you look at Auburn’s mascots)
Georgia hasn’t faced a defense this stout and an offense with this many weapons like they will face this weekend in Auburn. At some point Auburn will load the box and stop UGA’s run game, and freshman QB Jake Fromm will have to win it through the air. And, he’ll have to throw it more than 7 times to do so.
Score – Auburn 20 UGA 17
Booze – Pappy Van Winkle 15 year bourbon. If you’re drinking anything but bourbon for this game then you’re doing it wrong. The weather should be gorgeous and the temps will be cool enough for a little liquor jacket courtesy of this top shelf booze. Also, grab the 15 year Pappy because this is the best UGA team any of us have seen since 2002. And, they may also end the season as conference champs just like that team did.