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Winning & Boozing: Rivalry Week Edition

Well, we head into rivalry week which means another college football regular season has come and gone. I’m not going to get sappy or emotional here because I’m physically unable to feel anything besides fear and hate with the Iron Bowl looming tomorrow. Regardless, I head into the last week of the year with an overall record of 85-17 SU and 47-39-2 ATS. Fill up a cup, and let’s go make some money y’all. Cheers!

Ole Miss @ Mississippi St. (-14.5)

Outside of casseroles, gluttony, and forced conversations with cousins The Egg Bowl is my favorite Thanksgiving Day tradition. It’s never a game with a lot of national relevance or impact, but boy do these two fanbases hate each other. And, that hatred should be at an all time high this season with all the off-season drama that would make soap operas blush.

I wrote a big long preview and write up about all of this. But, by the time this is posted the game will have already ended, and Nick Fitzgerald broke his ankle into a 90 degree angle. So there’s that. Let’s just take this L, and move on.

Score – Mississippi State 41 Ole Miss 28

Booze – Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan beer. Lazy Magnolia is the oldest brewery in the state of Mississippi. And there are few things that describe my Thanksgiving day activities better than: lazy and pecan. As in pecan pie because I usually enjoy the Egg Bowl with leftovers, lethargy, and lots of pecan pie.

Mizzou (-9.5) @ Arkansas

Arkansas is getting rid of everyone’s favorite fat uncle, as they announced this week that they will part ways with Bret Bielema at the end of the season. Granted, Arkansas has been about as underwhelming as a handjob on a honeymoon under Bielema, and he is a moron for ever leaving the Wisconsin job. Regardless, I’m bitter about the firing because it’s not like Arkansas has standards. Arkansas is basically just an awkward “southern” state in the midwest that is only famous for Bill Clinton, integration, and being the background of that book we had to read in 7th grade Where The Red Fern Grows.

Arkansas will be a consistent winning program in the SEC West. They owe it to us to at least be entertaining. In my opinion they should be forced to keep Bielema, and he should coach every game from a lazy boy in sweatpants while getting drunk and trying to eat one of those 6 foot subs from Blimpie.

Mizzou has won 5 straight games by an average of 35 points. Mizzou will win. I’m gonna take them to cover, but the real question is what are the odds Bielema shows up drunk for his last game. Please God let this happen.

Score – Mizzou 34 Arkansas 23

Booze – Tryptophan and Tonic. That’s right. Just stuff your talkbox full of a bunch of turkey and wash it down with tonic. Why? Because people that drink tonic are gross. It’s hands down the worst soda ever invented, and that’s saying something since Tab was a thing. The only people that drink tonic are jewish people, northern people, and fat people. Bielema is two of those things, so it works. Also, double down on the tryptophan so you can pass out by the 4th quarter. It’s basically nature’s roofie.

Vandy @ Tennessee (-1)

Vandy is 5-26 vs. The SEC in Derek Mason’s 4 years as head coach of The Commodores. That should be the saddest part of this game. However, Tennessee has countered with the ultimate trump card in embarrassing rock bottom moments by letting Brady Hoke be their interim coach. Tennessee will win this game, but literally no one will care. Not even their fans.

By the 3rd quarter every Vol fan in orange overalls will be knee deep in delusional optimism as they read every message board imaginable for the latest Grumors. You do you boo boo. I’m not here to judge or shit on your football fantasies. However, if you were making $6.5 million dollars to be on TV once a week would you quit that job and take a position where the expectations are unrealistic and you have to compete against Nick Saban, Kirby Smart, and a handful of programs that have passed you over the last decade? Of course you would.

Score – Tennessee 23 Vandy 21

Booze – Molly & Aquafina. It couldn’t be more applicable to this game. Why? Because Molly alters your mood and perception. It’s an escape from reality, and there are few Tennessee fans that are being anything remotely close to realistic with their coaching expectations. Tennessee is overvaluing the fuck out of themselves with this coaching search.

It’s not a premier job or program anymore. They’re like a bald dude with a ponytail. They’re committed AF. However, everyone around them can see how sad it looks, but to them that man bun looks cool as shit. Even if it is on your shoulder blades and not your scalp.

Texas A&M @ LSU (-9.5)

I hate everything about this game. LSU should be playing Arkansas, and it should be on Friday instead of Saturday. A&M should be playing Texas. Instead the grand finale of each team’s season is a manufactured divisional rivalry between teams with less history together than a fucking arranged marriage.

The only thing worse than everything I just mentioned is the fact that apparently Kevin Sumlin was fired this week? Or he wasn’t? I don’t know, but I’m uncomfortable. Sumlin is being cucked by a bunch of rich greedy oil men like he’s Jimmy fucking Carter. Man that’s a great 1970 gas crisis reference you guys.

This is an easy call. A&M isn’t great, and now they have a huge distraction since Mom & Dad are getting divorced. Plus, they’re playing in Death Valley at night.

Score – LSU 31 Texas A&M 20

Booze – Bengal Tiger Tea. Why? Because for one, I am 100% judging A&M with all the side eye shade imaginable just like all those “That’s none of my business” Kermit memes. It’s also perfect because the Bayou Bengals and their fans would drink dumpster juice out of a trough as long as it has booze in it. So grab some iced tea, a dash of bitters, and your favorite cognac, and let’s punish our livers in Baton Rouge one more time this year!

Louisville (-10) @ Kentucky

There may be no better example of how miserably ADD and unappreciative we are as fans and a society in general than Lamar Jackson’s disappearing from national recognition. The reigning Heisman Trophy winner has been nowhere to be found on Heisman Watch lists throughout the season, and he was even left off the short list as a finalist for the Davey O’Brien Award for the nation’s top quarterback. Why is that upsetting? Because he’s balled the fuck out all year.

Jackson has scored 40 TD’s and amassed 4560 Total yards of offense this year. His 414 ypg of total offense leads the country and is almost 40 yards more per game than the next person. He’s averaged more yard per game by himself than 80 other teams in FBS. Yet he’s somehow been disrespected more than a black guy who likes sweaters and annunciating.

Score – Louisville 41 Kentucky 34

Booze – Larceny Bourbon. Why? You can’t have a tailgate between state rivals in Kentucky without good ol’ Kentucky straight bourbon. And none are more metaphorically perfect than Larceny. The definition of larceny is – “the unlawful taking of personal property of another person.” If I had a Heisman vote it would be difficult to not cast it for Baker Mayfield. However, it’s flat out thievery that Lamar Jackson lost his chance at taking home a second Heisman considering how impressive his numbers have been this year.

FSU (-5) @ Florida

Oh dear God. These two programs have let themselves go worse than Rob Kardashian in the winter, or David Hasselhoff after a trip to the MacDonald’s Dollar Menu. They should honestly both wear period sweatpants with sassy sayings on the butt instead of uniforms for this game because nobody really expects much more at this point. Both are in the middle of their worst season in years. Both are on the verge of missing a bowl game. And, both have offenses ranked 109th and 110th in the country respectively.

Florida St is 0-8-2 ATS this season. No part of me thinks they will cover the 5 points. Hell, I honestly don’t know if either offense is capable of scoring that many points. I’ll take Florida St because I’m a glutton for punishment, but I’ll take the Gators to cover.

Score – Florida St 23 Florida 19

Booze – Minderaser. This is a drink that peaked in popularity decades ago, and that seems fitting since this rivalry has had a fall from grace. Put on a letterman’s jacket and your favorite Von Dutch hat and think about the glory days bro bro. Way back in the day when there were Heisman trophies, national titles, your coaches weren’t fucking sharks, and/ or you weren’t desperately scheduling a makeup game against Louisiana Monroe to become bowl eligible.

Clemson (-13.5) @ S. Carolina

This has been a trendy pic by a lot of people to be a potential upset. Carolina comes in at 8-3 and is a 2 TD underdog at home. Clemson hasn’t played particularly well on the road this year. Who could forget their loss on the road against Syrcacuse? I mean I guess everyone remembers it except the Playoff Committee but I digress.

Carolina is 7-2 ATS this season, and they are one of five FBS teams that hasn’t allowed 30 points or more in a single game this season. Regardless, I feel like Clemson is going to make an example out of their cross-state rival to keep bragging rights in the Palmetto state and to get a little momentum as they head into the postseason.

Score – Clemson 31 S. Carolina 14

Booze – Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka with Water. Unpopular opinion but sweet tea is overrated (just like Clemson). I know it’s a southern staple, but can we stop with the claims and comparisons on who makes the best sweet tea please? It’s fucking ridiculous. There’s no secret to whoever has the best “recipe.” It just means it has the most sugar. It’s like arguing which member of Florida-Georgia Line is the coolest and most talented. It’s the one with the most highlights and bedazzled jewels on his jeans. Duh.

This southern sugar-infused vodka is not only delicious, but it’s also made right outside of Charleston. Sure it’s sweet and you may end up with a hangover AND diabetes. But, calories don’t count during the holidays, so fuck it. Just make sure you mix it with water instead of sweet tea or lemonade because the drink should be watered down just like this rivalry is.

UGA (-11) @ Ga. Tech

The battle for the Peach State will be decided on The Flats in downtown Atlanta this Saturday as UGA plays Georgia Tech at Noon. They call this rivalry “Clean Old Fashion Hate.” However, the only “hate” in this rivalry is UGA fans hating having to ever acknowledge the Jackets as an actual rival.

Bama calls Auburn their “little brother.” But, that is nowhere near a fitting analogy for this game. Tech is like UGA’s little brother if they were only “related” through a second marriage and were adopted by your step parent. They’re like an Asian orphan your parents adopted once you went to college that you forget about until you see them once a year around Thanksgiving or Christmas because they took your room.

UGA has won 8 in a row in Atlanta, and they still control their own destiny to get to the College Football Playoff. Tech has won 2 of the last 3 against the Dawgs. However, I can’t get over the fact that they lost 43-20 vs Duke last week after getting outscored 23-0 in the second half.

Score – UGA 34 Tech 21

Booze – Jack & Coke. Nothing says Atlanta like a mouth (and nose) full of Coke. And, Jack & Coke is the perfect drink for a November game where you need something strong enough to keep you warm enough and drunk enough from the tailgate all the way to the 4th quarter. Also, be sure that this is the only Coke your dabbling with on Saturday because the bathrooms at Bobby Dodd have piss troughs and snorting a line off a public piss bath is frowned upon. A lot.

Bama (-4.5) @ Auburn

I have lost sleep all week over this game. And, I have been stressed for several weeks heading into this Iron Bowl. I’ve said for weeks that all of this looks and feels like 2013 all over again. Like Bama is about to walk into an absolute buzzsaw and that 11-0 start and #1 ranking will be less valuable than those IOU’s Harry and Lloyd wrote in Dumb & Dumber. Guys, I just got fired last month. I started a new job a week ago. I DON’T NEED THIS STRESS IN MY LIFE.

I’ve been terrified of Auburn because they are one of the few teams that I think can beat Alabama this year. They have a potential Heisman candidate at RB, a defense ranked in the Top 10 nationally, and an offense that has scored 40+ points in 7 of their last 8 games. Even Vegas knows how good Auburn is, as they dropped the line from -10 to -3 immediately after Auburn’s dominant win against UGA. The Tigers are also 6-1 all time against Bama when AU is ranked in the Top 10. And, most of the national media has picked Auburn to win this year’s Iron Bowl because of their momentum and Alabama’s injuries.

Literally ALL of the hype, predictions, and perceptions about this game and these teams happened two Saturdays ago. Auburn trounced UGA. Bama barely beat a ranked team on the road. And those two things somehow magically turned into meaning that Bama is overrated, they haven’t played anybody, and there’s no way they can beat a team as good as 9-2 Auburn.

You know who else knows all of this? Nick Saban. And, in what has become a rarity in that program, Alabama actually comes into this game feeling disrespected and playing with a chip on their shoulder. Traditionally that doesn’t bode well for their opponent. Bama heads into Auburn as only a 4 point favorite.

But, they also head into this game with Jalen Hurts who’s 24-1 as a starter. They also head into this game with the #1 Defense in the country giving up 244 ypg and 10.2 points per game. Oh, and they also head into this game with a 24 game conference win streak and 1147 days since they last lost a road game.

Score – Bama 24 Auburn 17

Booze – Everclear & Prozac. I’m an emotional roller coaster, and it’s still 48 hours until they kickoff. The Iron Bowl is different than other rivalries. It’s a miserable matchup that fills fans with the most passionate and purely innate hatred you can imagine. That being said..ROLL FUCKING TIDE. And pass the Prozac.

 

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