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All I want for Christmas is My White Privilege

Dear Mr. Congressman,

My name is Chris Marler, and I am a 31 year old white, tax paying citizen from Atlanta, GA. I am writing this letter to address a growing concern that I have had over the past several months and even back to the beginning of Donald Trump’s presidency at the start of this year. 

First off, as a Congressman representing the great state of Georgia I know your time is very valuable. So, I appreciate you taking time away from your busy schedule of rec-center ribbon cuttings and constant yard sign campaigning to read this. I’m no politician. I don’t live in a big house or work in a corner office. I can’t afford the bow ties, Buckhead bureaucracies, and Buick sedans that most of you white collared, red state representative good ol’ boys can. 

However…WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK HAPPENED TO ALL THAT PRIVILEGE THAT I WAS PROMISED?!

I’m an (almost) tax paying citizen with a college education and white parents. If my genetics were a slot machine, I would’ve just spun 7-7-7. I made over $80,000 last year. I love SEC football. I say “y’all.” I’VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU ASKED ME TO DO.

And you idiots ruined it. Y’all have taken up all the good privilege like it was hot water in a solo shower at the Duggar Family home.

Yeah, yeah I get it. “This land is your land. This land is my land…”

NO. This land is your land…but it’s mainly MY land. Ask the Indians that my ancestors incorrectly labeled and later forced into hitchhiking 1,000 miles to tornado country in Oklahoma just because they called dibs on their teepees. 

Do I agree with the Trail of Tears? No. Just like I don’t agree with slavery, the 3/5th compromise, Japanese internment camps, the wage gap, police brutality, or the inhumane enslaving of the industrial prison system. But that being said, I don’t understand why after centuries of hegemonic and systemic oppression that society had to choose NOW as the time to dismantle that dystopian predominance. 

It’s like being promised an Oreo milkshake on cheat day, and then hearing that the McFlurry machine is down at MacDonald’s. Ummm my father knows the owner of this operation, and you will be hearing from him.

It’s affecting everything in my life. I can’t wear this haircut anymore without getting glares and side eyes. I started getting this thing 2 years ago so I could hopefully look like Clark Kent. I pay $37 dollars to look this slightly above average!

Now I am told I look like a Nazi? Goddammit guys. I have pretty shitty genetics when it comes to physical attributes. My hair naturally parts down the middle like some Prom King runner-up from the mid-90’s. This is literally my only option. 

Superman to Nazi? That’s quite a fall from grace. But, ever since Charlottesville and your fearless leader Donald Trump’s silent support and inability to denounce alt-right extremists, Nazis, and other white radical protestors by name I can’t rock this combover/high top fade without someone wondering where my Tiki torch is! I was promised immunity from integrated equality. What is this shit?!

What else?

Religion? Nope. My mom is literally a pastor, but it’s still difficult to identify as a Christian without persecution or backlash since Mike Pence ruined that for everyone. Thanks to you idiots and your white knuckle grip morality and thinly veiled commitment to not understanding science. I am now guilty by association with all of you narrow minded bible thumpers. 

Ugh. Mike Pence? Really? With my theological ties and wholesome image I should own like 4 Chick-Fil-A franchises by now! Not only does Pence look like he moisturizes with holy water and human placenta, but he also voted in favor of shock therapy for homosexuals. That’s not me! I’m a Christmas and Easter kinda guy! I’m here for the croutons and cabernet y’all. Now, go in peace and GTFOH Mr. Vice President.

What else? Affirmative action is fucking up the whole job landscape and career opportunities. Am I qualified or deserving? No. I’m white! If this were Reagan’s America I would be elbow deep in a middle management role telling black jokes at the water cooler all f’ing day y’all. But nooooooo. You politicians and one-percenters had to be greedy and take advantage of that hierarchy and corporate ladder class system until the well ran dry. 

Culture? Think again. 

I can’t like rap music with any amount of acceptable validity or “street cred” because I’m violating racial appropriation. And, I grew up in Stone Mountain! My pediatrician’s office was literally next door to where Ludacris filmed the “What’s your fantasy” video. But, since white people have never fucking learned to stop raising the roof or requesting “The Cupid Shuffle” in public everyone assumes that my favorite rapper is Jason Derulo. 

That’s not as much of a privilege thing as much as it is me being upset that my street cred is ruined because people in pleated khakis and khaki colored skin make the rest of us seem uncultured because they put mayonnaise on everything and think Harry Connick Jr. is actually talented.

Which brings me to my last and most important complaint. Y’all have ruined any upper-hand or benefit of the doubt I would get from women. I used to be the “take him home to mom” looking guy. Now, thanks to politicians, presidents, and sociopathic comedians I’m the “stay on the phone with mom until you’re in a safe place” looking guy.

Can you creeps please stop being the absolute worst with women? I thought harassing, objectifying, and sexually assaulting women was kind of a no brainer. But of course not. You’ve made it difficult for me to even initiate a conversation on Tinder or Bumble no matter how funny or flirty the gif I send is! Listen, I’m from the South. I have a closet full of button downs and MULTIPLE Masters polos. I should be able to coax anyone I want to Uber home with me after a few Bud Lights and shitty slow dances to “Wagon Wheel.”

Southern years are like dog years. Do you have any idea how pissed my parents are that they don’t have a framed engagement photo of me in a seated prom pose on a goddam train track or in front of an abandoned barn?! According to my grandparents I should’ve been married AND divorced by now. 

So, stop grabbing women by the pussies and bragging about it to Entertainment Tonight hosts. Stop sexually assaulting 14 year olds and running for the Senate in Alabama. And, if you’re a famous Texas Congressmen or New York Comedian STOP jerking off in front of women. Jesus. I mean I thought stealing jokes and/or pretending that global warming isn’t real was gross. But, have you ever received an unsolicited dick pick by an overweight pasty white dude?

In summation, I don’t want much sir. I’m not asking for a handout. All I want is what I was promised. And that is for you predecessors in positions of power to stop cockblocking my God-given rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of always being presumed innocent. Is that too much to ask?

Sincerely,

    Chris Marler

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