As most of you already know Alabama and Georgia will meet on Monday in a game that will not only dictate the college football national champion but my emotional stability for weeks to come as well. The game is still 4 days away, and there are so many questions still waiting to be answered. Like…
- Can Alabama win their 5th title in 9 seasons?
- Can Kirby Smart become the first former assistant to defeat Nick Saban?
- Will Danny Kannell lead an “All Conferences Matter” protest?
- Where will I move to start a new life if UGA does win, and I have to face the repercussions of being an obnoxious asshole to Georgia for 31 straight years of life? Yikes.
All week national pundits and talking heads have offered their 2 cents as to what will happen on Monday. Stats, analysis, and predictions have taken over my life and every one of my Google Chrome tabs.
But, who gives a shit about all that?! Don’t spend time familiarizing yourself with opponent tendencies. Familiarize yourself with their insecurities. Spats over stats you guys.
So, if you really want to be prepared for the national title game then I’ve got you covered. After all, Twitter trolling and social media shit talking is basically my Super Bowl. That being said. Here is your official guide to talking shit for the national championship game. Enjoy!
Shit Talking Advice for Alabama Fans
UGA fans are gonna talk trash about their Qb being better than yours. And they’re right. In situations like this I always find it’s best to fight fire with
Jake Fromm? More like FAKE Fromm. Boom Roasted. (Then just stare blankly)
Congrats on having the only 18 your old QB who is going through puberty and balding at the same damn time.
Fromm’s hair looks like a dandelion mid blow. That hairline is receding faster than the French army (in literally any war).
Jake Fromm sucks at baseball and he was basically the Dan Uggla of the 2011 Little League World Series. Also, no one gives a shit that you’re the best 12 year old athlete when you’re a foot taller and 50 lbs heavier than everyone else.
Jake Fromm is a poor man’s Faton Bauta. Or Joe Tereshinski. (Guaranteed to start some fireworks with any asshole UGA fan)
Fromm is the best 5 star QB Game Manager in UGA history. And, I can’t wait to watch him transfer in 2 years after Justin Fields beats him out. But, seriously he has all the tools to be (a scout team QB) in the NFL
Don’t limit the insults to just the QB though. No Matter how ugly he is. Here are some burns for the rest of the UGA team…
Y’all have a pretty good football team for a Gymnastic’s school.
Larry Munson? Who’s that?
Your mascot has the body of Danny Devito.
Rodrigo Blankenship – 4 eyes. Clear Hearts. Can’t lose.
Rodrigo Blankenship looks like nerdy Post Malone.
Kirby Smart always look like he just got done cutting the grass or accidentally locked his keys in the car?
Chuck Dowdle’s voice sounds like gargling with a southern accent.
Mark Richt lip syncs during praise and worship.
The Georgia Theater was a shanty.
UGA may have a better backfield than Bama, but at least none of our RB’s are named after women or boners.
Nick Chubb is a poor man’s Brendan Douglas. So glad he came back despite all the “temptation” of being drafted in the 6th or 7th round of the NFL Draft.
I bet Mark Richt is terrible at volleyball since he obviously didn’t know how to spike the ball in that 2012 SEC Championship game.
Honestly, I’m just glad y’all finally overcame that giant obstacle of winning the SEC East.
Those black jerseys are sick by the way. When are y’all wearing those next?
Herschel was ok, but he was no Bo Jackson. Oh by the way who’s he fighting in his next MMA match. His demons again?
Ok…Never have I ever…been alive to see my team win a national championship…
TROPICALIA TASTES LIKE SHIT. (Mic Drop.)
Shit Talking Advice for UGA Fans
Don’t come out throwing haymakers about Saban or their team. Start by delivering body blows about how shitty their state is…
Man these Southern Belles in Alabama sure are handsome!
So what are some of Alabama’s other tourist attractions besides fried foods and racism?
What was more impressive in Forrest Gump – him dodging tackles or him dodging AIDS?
Ahh. Sweet home Alabama. The national leader in pretend national championships and pretending that it’s ok to marry your family members as long as you they’re just “third cousins twice removed.”
Is Roy Moore coming to the game? Or is he not allowed to be within 500 feet of any cotton candy and face paint vendors?
It’s always fun driving to Alabama because you go into Central Time Zone. Which means you go back…like an hour in time and roughly 30-40 years in racial and social equality.
No no really. Please tell me more about how Birmingham is thriving and growing. I’m on the edge of my seat.
Now that you’ve finished your appetizer move on to the main course with Saban and the team…
So, how many people in your family also didn’t graduate from Alabama?
Saban was only good because of Kirby and Kiffin.
I’m just hoping for a good game. I mean win lose or draw…I’m sure Bama will still claim this as a national title regardless.
Jalen Hurts looks like a fucking pirate.
Houndstooth is for garbage people.
Nick Saban is my favorite character ever from Little People Big World.
Can you imagine how many championships Saban will win once he hits his growth spurt?
Bama’s Safety Ronnie Harrison looks like he smokes Kools at halftime.
There are anemics with carpal tunnel syndrome who are stronger than Bama’s schedule this year.
Where did you guys display all your second place division and state trophies this year?
I’ve seen amputee Rockette’s that are better kickers than Bama’s.
Honestly, you’re right. If you took the passing part out of playing quarterback I feel like Jalen Hurts would be the best QB in the country.
What do you hate most about Auburn – Cam Newton, the Kick Six, or the fact that you couldn’t get in there?
Calvin Ridley isn’t even the best receiver in his family.
Who had a better tattoo – AJ McCarron or Reuben Foster?
And last, but not least…
Bear Bryant was a pretty good coach. For an alcoholic. (Run immediately)
Also, check out this week’s Winning & Boozing podcast breaking down the game!