For the past 5 years I’ve made several different March Madness themed brackets/ posts/ rants going back to my original masterpiece from 2013 “The Sweet 16 of Irritating White Girl Traits.”
In a saturated space online where everybody and dey Mama is finally catching on to something Red White & Bro did half a decade ago I almost decided to not write a bracket this year. Besides, I’m late to the game because the Sweet 16 was last weekend, and the only people that read this blog are bots, Dean, and the side of my family I hate.
However, it’s been too long since I’ve spent 2-3 hours behind a keyboard ranting and raving with cynicism and crass and lashed out irrationally with an “article.” So, here is my 5th edition of Marler’s March Madness Bracket…
The Sweet 16 of People Who are Literally The Worst
Now, this is obviously a very objective and wide open category. No pet peeve or annoyance is too small to compete. However, I’ve narrowed down the field to 16 of my least favorite types of people in the world. Just missing the Sweet 16 were:
- People who pronounce Missouri as “Missourah”
- People who respond to a text by calling
- Anyone who likes Pumpkin Pie
- Tomi Lahren
- And, whatever assholes park their smart cars as far into a space as possible, so I’m mislead to believe there’s a space and in turn have to do a fucking 19 point turn back out of the space in the middle of the parking deck.
Anyways, here’s a list of people I hate more than those assholes. Enjoy!
Region 1 – Dumb but Opinionated
#1 “I’m a cat person more than a dog person” vs. #4 “The book was better than the movie”
No Cinderella story here. Dogs are better than cats. End of discussion. If you disagree with that then I respect your opinion and wish you luck dying alone in a smelly studio apartment watching reruns of Frasier and The Price is Right.
Cats are terrifying. They’re like snakes with legs. They’re ALWAYS up to no good. You think cats are better than dogs? Tell me the last time a cat: smiled after you let them outside, ran to the door to greet you after a long day/ trip, and/ or played receiver in a Disney movie series about rec sports and unconditional love. I’ll wait.
It’s Air Bud not Air Boots you idiot.
The #4 seed features everyone’s least favorite person in the office – the “The book was better than the movie” person.
Shut up Phyllis. You know what I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. Yeah. It took an hour and a half, and then I took a nap. Reading for pleasure peaked in 4th grade. The only things that were EVER cool about reading books were: the Book It Club and/ or making dioramas. So unless, you wanna come at me with some personal pan pizzas or a shoeboxe decorated like a “Goosebumps” cover you can kick rocks bro.
Winner – Cat lovers are much bigger assholes than bookworms.
Both are lonely, and have less popular opinions than a Mike Pence rally, but it takes a special kind of wrong to live your whole life pretending to enjoy letting your pet shit in the kitchen and scratch you in the face.
#2 Grammar Nazi “Victims” vs. #3 Aggressively Unaware Uber/ Lyft Drivers
Poor grammar used to be a huge pet peeve of mine. However, I’ve come to terms with the fact that most of the country (and internet) is made up of borderline illiterate jackasses who can’t spell the word “Bananas” without singing “Holla Back Girl” by Gwen Stefani to themselves. Grammar Nazis can be obnoxious and self-righteous, but it’s also obnoxious that you keep saying “your an idiot” and are still somehow allowed to vote.
However, what’s more annoying are the idiots with a 5th Grade reading level who lose (loose) credibility in their argument because of spelling and grammatical errors AND THEN mock the Grammar Nazis for mocking them. What kind of illiterate inception bullshit is that? That’s like striking out in slow pitch softball and then mocking the pitcher for throwing like a girl.
THEIR opponent is the #3 seed – Unaware Uber Drivers. Not ALL Uber Drivers mind you. It’s just the ones who think that basic traffic laws don’t apply to them because they’re an Uber driver. First off, that’s not a profession that warrants that kind of free pass. You’re not a cop. You don’t have a badge or siren. You’re driving a fucking Saturn with a pink mustache on the grill and have been hoarding your Aux cord the whole trip.
Also, you’re not driving the President. You’re most likely driving someone with a DUI or trying to avoid a DUI. Turn off your hazards, circle the block, and stop holding up traffic before I piss my pants from my morning Starbucks.
Winner – Unaware Uber Drivers.
Regional Finals – #1 Cats over Dogs vs. #3 Unaware Uber Drivers
This is tough because I hate Cats as much as I hate jury duty, Al Queda, and restaurants that serve shrimp entrees with the tails still on. I asked for a salad. Not a chore. There’s no reason you’re making me use my hands to start my meal. Anyways…
Winner – Uber Drivers. I’ve driven for Uber, ridden in Uber, and championed them for deregulating the monopoly that taxis had in this country for years. But, I’d give an illiterate internet troll 5 stars well before I gave it to some asshole driving 5 mph in the right hand lane and causing a traffic jam because he can’t figure out where Molly dropped her pin after leaving a concert with 238923 other drunk people also ordering an Uber.
Region 2 – PDA: Public Display of Assholes
#1 Vape Trick “Artists” vs. #4 People who Snapchat an entire concert
Vapes have basically become a universal punchline. I’m not shitting on it being a healthier habit than you ripping cigs non stop, but vaping to quit smoking is basically like listening to Nickelback to quit listening to Creed.
Vapes’ opponent is the person who spends $100 on a concert ticket just to record an hour and a half of selfie-snaps lipsyncing all the words to a show we can’t hear. Stop it Stacy. It was bad enough that you went to a Chainsmokers concert wearing a choker necklace at age 34.
Really? 180 seconds of video evidence that you have shitty taste in music? Ain’t nobody got time for that. I only want snaps of the essentials in life: brunch, puppies, and boomerangs of Rosé toasts.
Winner – Vape Artists. Stacy is annoying AF, but if I see one more dickbag in a manbun walking around in a cloud of his own cancer free smoke ring I’m gonna beat them over the head with a pack of American Spirits.
#2 Tank Tops on a Plane vs. #3 Bumper Sticker Enthusiasts
This might as well be a matchup between Calculus and Anal Beads because I will never understand people who enjoy either of them.
Bumper stickers are one of the best indicators for learning that despite never meeting someone I already hate them with a passion. It’s like someone with a tear drop tat on their face or spiderweb tattoo on their elbow. I can already tell that you are probably from Flint, and definitely went through a Meth and/ or Limp Bizkit phase in your late teens.
We get it. You have a timeshare in Myrtle Beach, so you are all about that “Salt Life” on the back of your F-150. And same to you Karen. We get it. You have a stick figure family that takes up the entire back windshield of your Dodge Caravan. You either love kids or hate condoms and disposable income. Either way stop bragging about it by depreciating the family station wagon.
Then there is the special kind of asshole who travels in public with a tank top. Really? Buy some sleeves before I call the Air Marshal you garbage person.
You know you’re about to spend the next 2 hours cattled back in coach next to a fuck ton of people right? I’m fine with sharing the arm rest, but if you walk onto my flight wearing a sleeveless shirt I will call TSA, a United Stewardess, and Sully and tell them all that you are hiding explosive birds under your “Come at Me Bro” man mumu.
Winner – Tanks on a Plane.
Regional Final – #1 Vape Trick Artists vs. #2 Tanks on a Plane
Winner. Vape Trick Artists in a landslide. I don’t care how big your cloud was or if there is literally a “World Series of Vape” in Vegas every year (That’s real. Look it up.). It’s not a sport if the uniform is Dickie pants and Daddy issues Graham. Now stop pretending your hobby is gonna lead to anything except working at a Jiffy Lube and owning a chain wallet.
Region 3 – The Worst of the Worst
#1 Dick Pic D-Bags vs. #4 White people with Dreadlocks
Let’s keep this short and sweet. Stop it. Just fucking stop it. Both of you. Here are two things that no one has EVER said in the history of ever:
1) “That’s a good looking dick. It’s totally attractive and not at all nauseating or confusing and uncomfortable. I’m glad you sent a pic of that to me at 2:45 am, and I can tell you really care about me because you took the time to use the Valencia filter.” Or…
2) “Dude that white guy with dreadlocks looks cool as shit. He seems like a relatable and measured dude, and totally not like that guy from The Spin Doctors or the guy that used to sell Oregano for $20 an eighth back in high school.”
You both look ridiculous, and everyone with a career and/or without daddy issues is laughing at you.
Winner – Dick Pics. Try roses or a goddamn teddy bear next time Brad.
#2 Overbearing Sports Parent vs. #3 Destination Wedding “Friends”
There is nothing more uncomfortable than a loud parent arguing with: an umpire about calls, coach about playing time, or other parent about whose kid is better. Jesus Christ Ron. Take a chill pill. It’s not the Final Four it’s a fucking Upward basketball game at a local Baptist church. The score is like 13-8 in the 4th quarter. THEY’RE ALL TERRIBLE. NOT JUST YOUR SON.
At some point you have to accept that your kid isn’t getting a scholarship (in part because of your shitty genetics). Let it go man. If he’s striking out in tee ball maybe just accept it and focus on the things he’s actually good at – like not growing up to be you.
The #3 seed is a dynamic duo of love and veiled financial burdens and obligations. I should clarify that people who have destination weddings aren’t bad people. No. It’s the people who have them during football season and the ones who schedule outdoor weddings in July who are fucking monsters.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m not happy for you. Hell, my best friend had a destination wedding last summer, and I
am obligated have to say it was lovely. Who doesn’t love an open bar and “The Cupid Shuffle?”
What I am saying is that if I have to spend anymore disposable income and/ or work vacation days on a road trip to Savannah AKA “Shitty Charleston” to watch you settle for the last girl you dated in college while I sweat my tits off in a fucking bow tie then I’m going to smother you with the pillows you registered for at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Winner – Love and Happiness. Weddings.
Regional Final – #1 Dick Pic vs. #3 Wedding Trip
Dick pics is a heavy favorite in this bracket. However, weddings is a much more volatile and dangerous seed here because everything is out of your control. Yes, I appreciate the open bar, but even if I had to pay for the 28 vodka sodas I drank they still would’ve been cheaper than the mountain of credit card debt I’m in thanks to your wedding shower, bachelor/ bachelorette party, tux/ dress rental, and wedding gift.
But thanks for the cufflinks bro.
Winner – Wedding Trips.
Region 4 – Overvalued Self-Importance
#1 Vegans vs. #4 Fit Bit Fam
This is not even close. People who talk incessantly about “getting their steps in” are annoying as shit. No, I don’t care if you logged 10,000 steps today Carol. I can still smell smoke coming from your chafed thighs. Now, grab a Luna bar and La Croix and take a break. Regardless, at least they’re usually trying to better themselves instead of being Vegan and assuming they already are better than everyone.
Vegans are the worst. They’re like if a cross-fit gym and a gluten-allergy had a fucking kid.
I respect your decision to love animals and hate your tastebuds. However, why is it that every Vegan in the world insists on eating out like 3 times a week, so they can make their bullshit diet someone else’s problem too? Take it from me. Outside of wearing crocs and/ or never having a real career – serving Vegans is easily the worst part of working at a restaurant or bartending job.
No, I can’t make you a White Russian with soy milk Gwynneth. This is a fucking Chili’s for Christ’s sake.
Winner – Vegans.
#2 Yelpers vs. #3 Misguided Social Justice Warriors
This is a battle of exhausting personalities. First the #2 seed Yelpers.
Meet Deb. She’s a middle aged stay at home mom who calls herself a “foodie” even though she’s just a binge eater with a case of gout. You know Deb. Or Pam. Or Karen. They’re literally the same fucking person. She’s the lady with the bob haircut and Skechers shape ups that is out for blood and blogging every time she goes out to eat. She’s gotten more restaurant workers fired than than green cards and random drug tests combined.
She will always ask to speak to a manager, and after she gets home she’ll write a novella on Yelp full of complaints and cuntiness.
The #3 seed is Misguided SJW’s.
Meet Gavin. He’s 19, majoring in art, and offended by literally everything. He enjoys ruining family Thanksgivings with ignorant views and uncomfortable political arguments. He’s not a snowflake or a cuck, but he is emotional AF and disagrees with literally anything you have to say.
Spoiler alert Gavin – people are mean, life’s unfair and no shit you want free education considering you’re paying $30k a year to be a career barista. I’m proud of you for getting involved in politics and activism. However, it is hard to take seriously at a BLM march when you look like Malcolm in the Middle.
No matter how many stickers you put on the back of your MacBook Air you’ll still be the same kid from suburbia whose one black friend is a dude named Tevin that you met in private school who loves flannel as much as you do. And your one gay friend was your summer camp romance who switched “teams” after dating you. Now go back to your safe space.
Winner – Social Justice Warriors.
Regional Final – #1 Vegans vs. #3 SJW’s
Winner – Vegans. Vegans win in a close one because I would rather sit through a thousand lectures about safe spaces and student loan sob stories than have to hear one more self-indulgent Vegan tell me how woke she is about animal rights and health after watching that Sea World documentary on Netflix 3 years ago.
The Final Four and National Champion of Assholes will be crowned in Part II tomorrow…