Welcome to In The Trenches, a mostly weekly article where I can bemoan my own existence, mock the goings on of College Football, and praise the overweight American male for having the pride to be themselves.
I should probably introduce myself a little. I’m Bobby. I’m chubby, married, and about as stereotypical of a suburban male as they come. I have a goldendoodle for Christ’s sake. I’m a huge (literally) football fan, and though I am all things Atlanta, my college football loyalties lie a few hours south with the Florida Gators. I may not be among my Jorts wearing brethren very often, so little in fact that I rent a pair of Jorts from Men’s Wearhouse instead of owning, but when I do it involves me sneaking a cigarette and mysteriously getting to wear a championship ring or getting photo-bombed by a Jim Harbaugh look-alike. Both actually happened to me in 2015, and as soon as I figure out how to post pictures here I’ll prove it.
Mercifully for the SEC it’s been pretty quiet in terms of off-the-field issues. For a conference like the B1G, it’s been just a little bit louder, what with potentially two programs needing to replace their head coaches because of scandal. But, hey, both coaches did a solid for their former employer by making most people forget about any Tay Bang drops involving Airsoft Guns and cast iron skillets. #NeverForget. But even though we haven’t heard much news, the summer has still been eventful.
Before I get distracted, I’m hoping to pitch a Tay Bang comic book origin story to some studios here in Atlanta. His powers are kind of like Ironman, because of the frying pan and the likely hood that the plastic BB’s fired at him would bounce off him. He’s probably going to be along the lines of an Anti-Hero, because of his gambling side hustle from his Enterprise Rental Car gig.
The summer is what I refer to as the Patriotic Season. It starts, of course, with Memorial Day, when people ignore the intended meaning of the last Monday of May to instead go binge drinking while near a body of water. That’s not a judgement, mind you, just an observation. I observed it because I too was binge drinking near a body of water. I celebrate Patriotic Season like most of you celebrate Christmas. I find a statue of George Washington and ask for the right for hate speech (specifically toward the UGA Athletic Department), to wear tank tops and not be a soldier hotel. All of my Patriotic wishes came true this year! Thanks George Washington! It all culminates with me day drinking once again on the 4th of July and watching Sam Eagle clips on YouTube.
That’s all passed now. We’re in the middle of training camp, and you too should be training your body for the season to come. Nothing dampens a football Saturday like needing a nap at 1:30 before the CBS game because you had one too many high gravity IPA’s waiting on Lee Corso to put on the mascot head. I would highly recommend the next weekend be used in a Rocky IV like montage of drink training. While the players on your favorite team are using fancy technology and indoor practice facilities, you should be in the elements chugging Bud Lights and Vodka Tonics.
Side note, can I propose we change “Vodka Tonic” to “Tonka”? It feels more manly. Because trucks.
This weekly article will eventually become your main source of bitter, angry, and often cynical recaps of the weekend action in College Football. Obviously, given the nature of this site and my own loyalties, I’ll mostly be covering the SEC. However, I may pass up games of the century like Vandy vs. Middle Tennessee State in lieu of Notre Dame vs. Michigan. I’m also going to provide as much in-depth coverage of the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors as I can so that you gamblers out there can get the most up-to-date information and go big.
One other thing I’ll end up doing is venting a little about married life and what it’s like to watch the sport I love so dearly while being married to a rival fan. My lovely wife is a UGA fan, and that has led to some resentment within the household; mostly over recruiting rankings, but also because I refuse to put a UGA collar on my aforementioned goldendoodle. That cake cutting thing that went viral a couple of weeks ago is like a Tuesday during football season in my household.
Next week I’ll cover how to act in an office during the first week of the season, how to navigate the murky waters of trying make sales to fans of your rivals, and where I plan on basking in the glow of week one of the 2018 season! Enjoy this weekend and get family obligations out of the way, next week end toe finally meets a rubber-leather substitute!