Welcome back to In The Trenches!
First and foremost, congrats to Chris on his impending doom…I mean nuptials. Also, nuptials took me three times to spell correctly. When I got the news that Chris had proposed, I was on my way to Panama City for the weekend. When I texted him to congratulate him, I passed along words of wisdom that every potential groom should should know:
Troll your own wedding.
This might seem ludicrous, but I can assure you that you need levity to survive being engaged. Literally the day after I got engaged, as I lay on the couch hung over watching The Masters, I was hounded to start making a guest list. It had barely been 24 hours since I popped the question, and the first thought I had upon receiving this request was “how the hell am I supposed to know who’s going to piss me off or get in my good graces between now and the year plus from the wedding?”. That shit needs to get figured out 6 months away, not the day after asking.
When I did text him about trolling his own wedding, I shared this planning anecdote as well. My bride demanded that I be more involved in the planning, specifically because it was “my day too”. The hell it is, it’s her day exclusively. Pay more attention to the marriage than the wedding and things will work out. One of the ways I was asked to be involved was to help pick a cake flavor. Apparently, this is important. As a joke to get her off my back, I suggested “Fun-Fetti”…5 months later, I’m nearly stabbing her in the back of the throat with a plastic fork containing…yep, Fun-Fetti wedding cake. I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law is still pissed at me for that one.
Week one of College Football is now in the books. Let’s recap the major action from around the SEC and the rest of the bullshit conferences out there:
Florida vs. Charleston Southern (53 to 6)
This game was in the bag before the ink dried on the game contract. FCS opponents serve little more than an opportunity to show off for the home crowd and give hope to a fan base starved for offense. The Gators accomplished this feat by beating the…you know what, I watched that whole f***ing game and I have no idea what the mascot is. I was a solid 9 shots worth of vodka in before kickoff. I do know the offense looked competent for the first time in a few years, and that’s reason for this Gator fan to be…chomping…at the bit. The offense had everything from read-options, to actual deep balls, to the classic Tebow-era Jump Pass. It was fun, and that’s all I could ask for.
Auburn vs. Washington (21 to 16)
My hometown of Atlanta hosted this “neutral site” contest, and by neutral I mean East Auburn turned out for this battle of top 10 teams. Auburn got out to a fast start with a ridiculous catch by a skinny Tim Riggins. Washington made this a game, but third time was the charm for Auburn as they head home with a victory in Atlanta. Also, it’s really weird for a team to finish its season with two games and start its next season at the same stadium that isn’t their own. It’s even more odd to think that they could’ve lost all three, but the Tigers kick off the season with a win while the Huskies head back to Frasier-land with their tail between their legs.
Alabama vs. Louisville (51 to 14)
I hate Bobby Petrino for abandoning my Atlanta Falcons after one season to return to f***ing Arkansas. In the long run, it’s worked out, but choosing a second tier SEC team over an emerging NFL team is insane. But, a few years and an awkward, neck brace fueled press conference later has softened that hate a little. This game was never really in danger for the Tide, and a new QB1 has been anointed in T-Town, with Tua proving he’s the man over Jalen Hurts. The real stories of this game were how quickly Twitter fans flocked to recruit Hurts to their school and Nick Saban being Nick Saban to Maria Taylor. Is anyone really surprised Saban was short? He’s literally short with everyone under 5′ 4″. My wife is taller than he is. Of course he has a Napoleonic complex.
Georgia vs. Austin Peay (45-0)
I didn’t watch a single second of this game. I was too busy throwing down vodka tonics and taking a nap. Apparently UGA played and won. Good for them. I’m only mentioning this game so my wife doesn’t throw something. When she does, it decreases our chances of having children.
West Virginia vs. Tennessee (40 to 14)
WHY IN GOD’S NAME DID THAT SHARK F***ER LET WILL GRIER TRANSFER?!?!?!?! Greir picked up where he left off against Tennessee, and added napalm to an already scorching Heisman campaign with 5 TD’s and 429 yards passing. Tennessee looked like…well it looked like the dumpster fire that it has been since the second half of the 2016 season. It’s week one against an established head coach and Heisman candidate, so anyone who honestly thought the Vols would win should put the bong and moonshine mason jar down and get a grip on reality. The Vols may get back to their former glory of the 1990’s but it’s not going to be a quick turnaround in Knoxville.
LSU vs. Miami (33 to 17)
Ed Orgeron may be one of the nicest and kindest people in the history of humanity, but if I heard his voice in the middle of the night, I’d start looking for a gun. It’d be a BB Gun mind you, because I, like some Gators, only have one of those and a frying pan to defend myself. Miami’s offense, much like the materials their uniforms for this game were made of, was garbage. Rozier would’ve gotten the hook if his back-up wasn’t at home for “violating team rules”. Also, Mark Richt is Mark Richt and can’t coach a big game to save his life. This is four straight losses for the U dating back to last season, which is…U-nacceptable. A Miami playoff berth is about a plausible as a U-nicorn stampeding through my office.
Notre Dame vs. Michigan (24 to 17)
It was good to see the return of one of the better rivalries in College Football. I was raised Catholic, so I leaned towards rooting for Notre Dame on the off chance that I may go to hell for rooting against Touchdown Jesus. Prayers were answered in South Bend, as no priests were arrested and Michigan’s Shea Patterson fumbled the snap on the Wolverine’s final drive, causing Catholics everywhere to rejoice for one reason or the other.
Maryland vs. Texas (34-29)
Matt Canada may be the best thing Canadian since I discovered curling at the Winter Olympics. Also, f*** Drake. Canada’s constant use of shifts and motions confused admitted strip club goer Tom Herman’s defense, as Texas lost its second straight opener to a bunch of bullied turtles. Longhorn fans need to chill and realize that just because one guy did a great turn around in one season one time doesn’t automatically mean that they’ll be Natty contenders in that same time frame. You’re not the only game in town, and of all people to know that, it should be Tom Herman. Also, down goes one of Chris’s bold predictions, as even if UT runs the table it’s going to be hard to justify this loss.
Virginia Tech vs. Florida State (24-3)
(In the cadence of the tomahawk chop) HA HA HAHAHA, HAHAHA, HA HAHAHA!!!! That was my reaction after arriving home from the beach and flipping on the TV. Willie Taggart brought his gulf coast offense to Tallahassee just in time to go up against one of the longest tenured and most respected defensive minds in Bud Foster and Virginia Tech. Much like Texas, FSU fans should learn to chill and realize it’s a new start for their team. I believe that’s even the license plate that was given to Taggart by the administration: ANUSTART. Stolen jokes aside, FSU has a lot of room to improve, where as VT may have hit their ceiling in week one. For my own fandom’s sake, I do hope the ‘Noles grow very little this year.
Next week we’ll cover more games and I undoubtedly will lead off with a diatribe about something going on tangentially in my life. It’s a formula that’s tried and true for me. Let me know which games to cover and you’ll see it here on Monday! Until next week!