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In The Trenches (Week Two)

Welcome back to In The Trenches!

Look, I’m not going lie to you. This was a terrible weekend for me. I’m pretty sure I’ve cancerous pink eye (according to WebMD), and I saw something on Saturday that I knew would one day happen, but didn’t think it would come so soon. Florida f***ing lost to Kentucky. My world view is shaken. I haven’t been this confused or panicked about the future since November 2016 (infer from that what you will).

I deal with my anxieties in weird ways, and never was that more evident than the 2nd half of the game. I literally did nothing but chores and personal grooming. My beard has never looked so fly, and for once there is nothing unfolded in the laundry room. Why? I couldn’t help the team, so I helped myself. My wife fell asleep in the 3rd quarter and woke up super confused.

I have, however, decided that it’s going to be ok. Streaks were made to be broken. It’s a minor miracle that it wasn’t broken 10 times over the past 31 years. The Gators aren’t the only team to lose to someone they shouldn’t during a time of transition. Kirby Smart’s first year with UGA brought many losses, including one against Vanderbilt that my wife dragged me to in spite of having medical issues and me really not wanting to go. She then got me drunk the next day and conned me into getting a dog. The point is that I’m not going to over react to this, and I love my wife and dog.

Let’s recap the games.

Kentucky vs Florida (27 to 16)

You know my feelings on this, so see above. That said, Chris asked me Thursday if the Gators were going to cover. I told him win but not cover, so I was half right. 14 points was way too big of a line for a conference opener against an established, motivated head coach and running back when you’re team has a new head coach, a QB that looked shaky in his best performance, and that performance came against Directional State University (GO MASCOTS!). Side note, I’ll be applying to DSU for my masters in Generics with a specialty in Basic.

Georgia vs South Carolina (41 to 17)

I like Will Muschamp a lot. His firing from Florida felt MUCH different than any other firings I’ve seen in College Football, in that both the media and the administration really didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t really want to let him go because I thought he’d finally figured out that most high schools don’t use an I Formation anymore and the days of that kid who wasn’t fat but wasn’t fast or tall either so he was just stuck at fullback were gone. That said, the talent isn’t there yet. UGA literally replaced a 5-Star left tackle with another 5-Star left tackle, and that used to happen only at Alabama. The Gamecocks will get there eventually, but 2018 was not meant to be.

Mississippi State vs. Kansas State (31 to 10)

How is Bill Snyder still alive? I’m pretty sure he needed an oxygen tank and a hyperbaric chamber while on the sidelines. This game saw the return of Heisman candidate Nick Fitzgerald, who ran well but didn’t throw well. I was barely paying attention to this game, because those nooners are usually awful, but MSU is going to be a pain in the ass for Alabama and Auburn this year, possibly more so than LSU. After the game, Bill Snyder was placed back in cryo-sleep like a futuristic astronaut to be defrosted in time for next Saturday.

Clemson vs Texas A&M (28 to 26)

I won’t lie to you, I hate Jimbo Fisher for multiple reasons. First of all, his name is just backwoods stupid sounding. Grow up and go by Jim, James or Jimothy. Also, knowing his work at FSU, I can’t stand the way he speaks. It’s a whiny southern accent at 1.5x speed on your podcast setting. Clemson was always going to win this game based on talent and continuity of coaching alone, so it’s amazing that Texas A&M had a chance to win this game so late in the 4th Quarter. I may not like Jimbo as a name or as a person, but the man can clearly make Beyonce’s Lemonade out of rotten lemons. Kudos to Texas A&M for the first true moral victory of the 2018 season.

Stanford vs USC (17 to 3)

For this east coast college football fan, the phrase “who the hell is that?” was spoken aloud more than 8 times. If you took the over of 5.5, you hit big buddy. There once was a time where the Pac-12 was known for innovative offenses and high scoring games. Then this game happened and I completely changed my mind about the left coast. Bryce Love had a decent stat line, but nothing that’s going to make me give him the September Heisman. Thus far, I’ve been wholly unimpressed with football west of the Central Time Zone. If the Pac-12 is going to rely on Washington or Stanford to sneak into the playoff, they’d better hope that the eventual SEC Championship Game of UGA and Alabama is blow out. It’s the only way they’d get a look at this point, with Clemson looking unstoppable and undoubtedly a B1G team getting a crack at the Top 4 spots.

This weeks slate of games look as bad as this past weekends, and you know what, that’s ok with me. There’s only one ranked vs. ranked match-up in LSU vs. Auburn. Alabama vs Ole Miss should be an interesting game for a quarter, and maybe USC vs Texas will provide some late night intrigue, but this Saturday is about one thing for me…The Predator! This actually looks like a worthwhile sequel to the 1987 classic. Plus, James Franklin look-a-like and Hingle McCringleberry creator Keegan-Micheal Key will have a…cough cough…Key role in the film, so that’ll at least add enough intrigue to drag my wife to the movies for the first time since her beloved Groot got turned to ashes.

Are you more excited for this weekend’s games or for The Predator? Let us know in the comments! Until next week!

-Bobby Burchins

About Bobby Burchins (10 Articles)
I'm a cynical man who loves his wife, his dog, Atlanta sports teams and the Florida Gators. I like to nitpick Disney World as a hobby, and you can find my musings at www.cynicaldisney.com. You can expect the same amount of coverage as if I were told to cover Julio Jones, which is to say not great. But what I lack in accuracy I make up for with jokes and bitterness!

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