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In The Trenches: Week 3

Welcome back to In The Trenches!

This weekend I had the privilege of being the scoreboard update guy for a website, which means I had to stay sober and actually pay attention to scores as opposed to finding out after the fact for games I wasn’t particularly interested in. Outside of Tennessee fans, who gives a shit about the UTEP game? No one, that’s the answer. That’s why that game was on the SEC Network Alternate channel. Having said that, there are far worse ways to spend a Saturday than getting paid to watch football.

It also gave me a greater level of respect for those who actually cover a game for a living. I originally majored in Journalism in college, because I actually wanted to cover college football for a living. At the time, I came to the realization that I wasn’t actually going to make any money doing that, and changed my major to business. Then, the 2012 technological apocalypse happened, the landscape of media changed, and now literally everyone is in the content business, including yours truly! Don’t believe me? Just check the grandstanding you do on Facebook.

Because I actually paid attention to multiple games, including all of the SEC games, this weeks opinions will actually be more informed! They’ll still be bitter, because short of a lobotomy that part of my personality will never go away. Let’s do the recap!

Florida vs Colorado State (48-10)

Jesus tap dancing Christ. How terrible is Kyle Trask that Dan Mullen won’t even give him a chance at reps with the 1’s in a game? Though I’m obviously thrilled with the score, I’m livid at the QB play of Feleipe Franks to the point of shopping specifically for a ballpine hammer. Why ballpine? Because it’s the funniest of the hammer names and I think it can do the most damage to my TV when I get pissed off. That said, I’m pretty sure we’ve got enough talent and coaching moxie to beat Tennessee. Why?

Tennessee vs UTEP (24-0)

There is but one positive from this game, and it’s that the Vol’s defense pitched a shutout. The Volunteer offense, on the other hand, was CONSTANTLY shooting itself in the foot with multiple turnovers in the redzone. It’s a group of 5 opponent, you should be able to put up at least 30. Florida, Kentucky, and UGA all did against similar talent level teams. I think Jeremy Pruitt is a decent coach, but I think he’s the next Will Muschamp, not the next Kirby Smart. Speaking of Kirby Smart…

Georgia vs MTSU (49-7)

I swear to {insert literally any diety at this point} that if I hear the phrase “keep chopping wood” from that guy I’m going to go f***ing crazy. Is he coaching football or lumberjacking? Also, it’s probably because I’m of the generation raised by Nintendo, but Kirby Smart’s voice doesn’t match his face or his name to me. It should be much higher pitched, especially the way he whines towards the refs whenever the slightest thing doesn’t go his way.  The Dawgs looked like a SEC Championship caliber team on Saturday, but I REALLY don’t know how they’re going to keep Fromm and Fields in the same locker room without creating another Tua/Jalen situation.

Predator vs Humanity ($25 million-2)

Guys, The Predator was f***ing awesome. It’s not as good as the original, because unless you’re going to arm wrestle as a hand shake or call your coworkers “slack jawed f****ts” for not chewing tobacco, you’re not going to come close to the original. That said, there were clever call backs to the original, and the tone was much more fun without getting stuck in the nerdy mud of the Predators motivation or back story. It’s not even really a “Predator”, but they cover this in the movie. Go see it!

Alabama vs Ole Miss (Too much-Not Enough)

I would have put that on the scoreboard if not for the fact that I was getting paid and wouldn’t mind doing it again. As it turns out, you still need a defense in this conference to be consistently successful. Perhaps Matt Luke can put down the Busch Light (I’m assuming that’s what he was drinking after the game) and find him a couple of defensive players without memorable alliteration like Mo-Mo Sonogo. Alabama may be the most unstoppable force this conference has ever seen, but at some point they’re not going to score 50+ points and I hope it’s coming soon. I don’t like predetermined outcomes.

LSU vs Auburn (22-21)

I knew the Tigers would win this. I should just let the joke sit, but instead I’ll say that Coach O is off the hot seat officially. Hell, he might be the greatest thing that’s happened to a Cajun since Shawn’s dad from Boy Meets World got nipple rings and coached Bobby Boucher. Auburn still has plenty of reasons to think they’re still in it. Their hopes, however, probably are reliant upon an undefeated Alabama whooping LSU. In the interim, maybe let Jarret Stidham audible a little less and find a halfback who feels compelled to use a neck roll.

Syracuse vs Florida State (30-7)

I asked Siri who the worst team in college football was. If you haven’t, here’s her response:

I laughed so hard I almost shat myself. Willie Taggart naming his offense after the Gulf of Mexico is the worst thing to happen to that body of water since BP (is that joke dated?). Syracuse is not a bad team, and already slayed a giant last year in Clemson, but Clemson at least made it a game with its backup QB in, where as FSU never had a chance.

Speaking of FSU, I saw that there is already a Go Fund Me page to get Willie Taggart fired and pay off the over $21 Million he has remaining on his contract. This $21 Million does not, by the way, include all of the assistants and support staff. Look, I get it, you lost to Syracuse and you’re not on board with completely changing your offensive scheme. You shouldn’t have said no to Jimothy Fisher. It’s not my ideal scenario, but if you want to compete in this era of college football, you have to shell out the cash to get ridiculous facilities with a putt-putt course and barbershop in them. The Georgia State Panthers just bought the Atlanta Braves old stadium. It’s a Sun Belt school. You’re telling me that a fan and alumni base couldn’t be tapped into for a new locker room?

This week is one of four circled games for my team, with the Gators taking on Tennessee on Rocky Top. I’ve already begun preparations for this game, buying food, drinks, and listening to Rocky Top by The Osborne Brothers so I’m just numb to it by the time Saturday rolls around. It’s a tough call between Rocky Top and the UGA fight song as to which I hate more. What’s your least favorite fight song? Leave it in the comments section, and please UT fans, talk trash to me. I feed on your anger. Franks may be the worst QB Florida has had since the Doug Dickey era, but he still beat the Vol’s last year. Mmmmm…volun-tears…..

-Bobby Burchins

About Bobby Burchins (10 Articles)
I'm a cynical man who loves his wife, his dog, Atlanta sports teams and the Florida Gators. I like to nitpick Disney World as a hobby, and you can find my musings at www.cynicaldisney.com. You can expect the same amount of coverage as if I were told to cover Julio Jones, which is to say not great. But what I lack in accuracy I make up for with jokes and bitterness!

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