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In The Trenches: Week 5

You would think that I’d start this weeks recap off with me gloating about Florida’s amazing…ly boring 13-6 win over Mississippi State, and if not for what happened to me on Friday night, you’d be correct. Instead, I have to start with one of the worst nights of sleep I’ve ever had in my entire life. A couple of weeks ago, based solely on the fact that I’m fat and snore, my doctor sent me to have a sleep test done in order to confirm whether or not I had sleep apnea. It turns out that, as I continue to age and apply Just For Men to my beard as a last ditch effort to have some sort of youthful appearance, I have been doing basic life tasks like eating and sleeping incorrectly for my entire life.

I’ve been told that this was a possibility before. A couple of years ago I was hospitalized for an unrelated matter, but while I was in the hospital, the doctor treating me had a hard on for sleep apnea, and if someone breathed with the slightest of noise, he felt the need to strap on a mask to you. I’d had trouble sleeping while in the hospital (go figure with all of the wiring I had hooked up to me and death surrounding me at every turn), and so I was also given an ambien to try to get me to relax and sleep. Instead, it had a hallucinogenic effect on me.  I had some how connected the plots of Alien and Contact in such a way that when they strapped the CPAP machine on me, I thought it was a facehugger knocking me up. The nurse then turned to my mother, who was kind enough to stay the night in the hospital with me, to put the machine on me. She tried a couple of times before I looked at her, and like the movie Contact, thought she was an alien in my mothers form. I then told her that she wasn’t my mom.

As you might imagine, this didn’t sit well with her until I explained what was happening inside my head, and then she got a chuckle out of the situation. I also, the next day, hallucinated that I’d been shipped to a hospital in Florida (because the Players Championship was on the TV) and that I was then sent to a gypsy hospital, stuck inside a shopping cart where my father was bartering for my release and medical equipment to keep me alive. Basically what I’m getting at here is I completely understand how Tiger Woods felt a decade ago.

Back to Friday night. I arrived a the sleep clinic, located on the same grounds as my hospitalization. After awkwardly traversing the parking lot with a pillow and computer bag, I was set up in a room and strapped into enough wiring that if I’d spilled the bottle of water I brought I would have easily been electrocuted. It took three hours and a shitty Tulane vs Memphis game for me to eventually fall asleep. At 1:30 AM, I was awoken by the sleep technician, who informed me that I was snoring like crazy and they were required to try the CPAP machine.

If I was 9 years old playing Top Gun, I might have a different reaction, but at that time of night, half asleep with a thousand wired glued to my head, chest and legs, anxiety took over. I legitimately couldn’t breathe, and before long I was telling the sleep tech to go away in the kindest of ways I could muster considering the situation. It took another two hours for me to fall back asleep, when I was awoken again at 5:30 in the morning. The sleep technician then proceeded to tell me about her “heart wrenching” story about her weight and sleep issues, how she was called “Fatty McGoo” by her brothers, and how she assumed I was getting the same treatment. Not since high school have I received any sort of insults about my size, and in fact because of the changing PC climate people have avoided the subject all together with me. Basically she was also calling me Fatty McGoo, which makes me chuckle.

All told, I got maybe four hours of sleep, and didn’t get to bed the following night until 11:30. I was fueled during the day by Adderal and at night by adrenaline as my team fought hard in a defensive struggle that ended on a Waterboy style blitz and sack of Nick Fitzgerald, once a candidate for the Heisman but now a possible benched after thought after producing 13 points in two games against the SEC East afterthoughts. Here’s to hoping that I can get an alternative to the CPAP and that them Gator boys keep it rolling against LSU!

Let’s recap some games!

Florida vs Mississippi State (13-6)

Cow Bells be DAMNED!!! This game wasn’t pretty by any offensive measure, but I’m thrilled that Florida could go into a hostile environment that was even more ferocious with the return of Dan Mullen and win in a slug fest. You have to be able to win in different ways, and when MSU stopped the run, Mullen turned to the screen game to supplement the ground game. Todd Grantham’s defense took away the RPO’s that MSU was purported to be so great at, and this with Florida’s starting cornerback getting tossed for targeting in the first quarter. Mississippi State has some soul searching to do after this game, and it better figure things out if it wants to have a decent season with an SEC West gauntlet ahead of them. Florida, on the other hand, is literally on fire ahead of their match up with LSU this weekend.

Georgia vs Tennessee (38-12)

This game was a lot closer than the final score would indicate. UGA didn’t actually put the game away until late in the fourth quarter, and had to put Justin Fields in to “spark” an offense that looked stagnant in the 2nd quarter. The fact that Tennessee got throttled so bad at home the previous week and UGA didn’t dominate against Mizzou the previous week has led to some questions about if UGA is playoff material. I think the Dawgs are going to be able to figure things out, and I begrudgingly admit that they will likely be the East representative the in SEC Championship game. I think they’re going to trip up and lose once before they get there though. Georgia has tough crossover games with LSU and Auburn ahead, and don’t discount Florida or Kentucky at this point.

Kentucky vs South Carolina (24-10)

The f*** is going on with the world? Kentucky is ranked in the top 15, and has beaten South Carolina like 5 years straight. The Wildcats continue to run Benny Snell into the ground, and Terry Wilson has done just enough in the passing game to make them a legitimate contender in the SEC East. This is a perfect storm of events for Mark Stoops, who has lasted a lot longer than I thought he would at UK.

Alabama vs Louisiana-Laffayette (56-14)

The only thing worth mentioning about this game is Jalen Hurts not redshirting or acting like Kelly Bryant. Kudos to him for realizing that he’s getting the best coaching possible in the passing game, and displaying it for all to see.

Domestic Violence vs Child Molestation (27-26)

Ohio State went on the road to a white out crowd at Penn State and came away with a victory thanks to Dwayne Haskins coming through in the clutch and James Franklin shitting the bed as a play caller. This B1G match-up may have playoff implications down the line, but it’s worth mentioning that, along with Maryland, the OSU wrestling team and Michigan State, the B1G might be in B1G trouble with law suits abound. Trace McSorley should have gotten the ball on 4th & 5, but instead they handed the ball off to not-Sa’Quan Barkley and got stuffed. Ohio State is now in the drivers seat when it comes to a potential playoff spot.

This weekend is the second of five I have metaphorically circled on my calendar. No one actually buys a calendar anymore, and if they did, why are we circling dates instead of highlighting them with neon colors or using a parallelogram of some kind? Florida and LSU has really taken off as a rivalry in the last two years, and it’s all because of some douche baggary from the LSU athletic department. LSU, of all schools, should understand the difficulties of hosting a game with a god damn hurricane bearing down on you. Nay, instead they pitched a fit when the damage to the state of Florida wasn’t like Katrina, and forced the SEC to allow them to host a make-up game.

Nothing made me happier while on a trip celebrating my engagement in 2016 than a goal line stand to beat LSU. I talked shit to every purple-clad person at Disney World (true story). Last year, if Florida could have kicked a PAT and had any semblance of an offense, the Gators may have prevailed. Alas, this year we’ll have to make up for the shark f***ers terrible play calling. Also, side note, if Ed Orgeron was to ever come to my home and speak, regardless of what time of day it is, I will find and use a weapon on that swamp monster. Not because I have ill will towards him mind you, but his voice is terrifying and without the context of knowing who it is, I’m willing to justify it to a jury with “just listen to his voice and tell me that’s not a creature the voodoo practitioners talk about”.

Until next week!

About Bobby Burchins (10 Articles)
I'm a cynical man who loves his wife, his dog, Atlanta sports teams and the Florida Gators. I like to nitpick Disney World as a hobby, and you can find my musings at www.cynicaldisney.com. You can expect the same amount of coverage as if I were told to cover Julio Jones, which is to say not great. But what I lack in accuracy I make up for with jokes and bitterness!

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