Hey y’all. Let’s go ahead and address the elephant in the room. I know I said I wouldn’t let my job keep me from my weekly NSFW ramblings about football and incoherent bullshit. And, I know I said I was just gonna run up to the store for some cigarettes and I’d be right back. I’m sorry. Here’s a stuffed animal I got you and a box of your favorite candy. Now, before I go making anymore empty promises let’s just get into the good stuff.
Week 6 in College Football and the return of Winning & Boozing! For those of you that don’t remember what this is all about…1) how dare you and 2) I breakdown the SEC games for the upcoming weekend and pair each game with what booze will be essential for each tailgate. Fair warning – Don’t get in your feelings while reading this because I love you all.
Anyways, let’s get into it! Cheers!
12:00 – Bama (-35) @ Arkansas – O/U 56.5
Maybe it’s been for the best that I haven’t written on Red White & Bro yet this season because it’s annoying as shit even to me just how good Alabama is this year. That tan-skinned angel playing quarterback is the best thing to happen to Alabama since fried bologna and welfare. I could go on and on, but instead I’ll focus my attention on Arkansas.
Mainly, their Defensive Coordinator John Chavis. Chavis is the dude who you recognize but don’t know his name. He’s coached at like 8 different SEC schools and he looks exactly like a typecast cop from NYPD Blue. John Chavis looks like he’s always about to either water his lawn or racially profile someone.
Fun Fact – this is his 30th straight year facing Alabama as a Defensive Coordinator, and for the big anniversary Arkansas got him a public skull dragging against that angry little elf Nick Saban.
Score – Bama 45 Arkansas 6
Booze of Choice – Busch Light. Specifically in the camo can and for free. Why? Because nothing embodies these two states like hunting couture pure, unadulterated alcoholism. I know the game is in Arkansas, but I’m sure those students aren’t going to want to wake up for a brunch time blood bath. Plus it’s still hot as shit, and the entire state of Arkansas feels like one giant sunburn. Saban was less than thrilled to see that Alabama co-eds apparently don’t want to come watch a 60 minute blood bath/ pubic execution against whatever directional school from Louisiana the Tide schedule every September. Nick it’s 1000 degrees out, and Bama is up 50 in the 1st half. They’re not gonna stay. SO QUIT ASKING.
If you want people to come to your public displays of bullying then give out free beer or play Dixieland Delight.
12:00 – Missouri (Pk) @ South Carolina – O/U 63.5
Missouri and South Carolina face off in a game to see which winning team goes to the Belk Bowl and which losing team’s fanbase quits on their coach before November. Missouri had a week off coming into this game which will hopefully get star WR Emmanuel Hall healthy. Drew Lock will face everyone’s favorite excuse – Jake Bentley. Don’t fact check this, but I think Jake Bentley has been the starter at Carolina since he was 14. And, somehow he’s gotten worse each year. The only thing that has aged worse than Jake Bentley are Tara Reid and warm milk.
Mizzou 34 South Carolina 30
Booze – Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka and Lemonade. Why? Because whoever wins this game will almost definitely end up in the Belk Bowl this December. And, that drink just sounds like exactly what someone who shops at Belk would drink. And, South Carolina is littered with middle aged men in plaids, pleats, and performance fishing gear bullshit.
“No, ma’am I can’t drink the hard stuff anymore ever since I pissed myself at that Joe’s Crab Shack in Myrtle Beach. But, I love this stuff because it taste just like the tea you’d get at Bojangles.” Just some asshole named Darryl in Costas at his tailgate passing around his Yeti tumbler for everyone to try like communion because he thinks mixing liquor and sugar is groundbreaking.
3:30 – LSU(-3) @ Florida -O/U 43.5
The Swamp People head to The Swamp for one of the most competitive annual games in the SEC. Both of these teams had surprisingly impressive wins last week. Florida’s road win at Mississippi St was dominant as they held the vaunted Bulldog offense to 6 points and only 208 yards. Feleipe Franks looked great as well completing a career high 22 completions in the most Big 10 win ever – 13-6.
LSU’s offense got the slumpbuster it needed by playing Ole Miss and their atrocious defense. Ole Miss’ defense is like watching a drunk public makeout. Sloppy, embarrassing, and guaranteed to disappoint.
Saturday Joe Burrow looked great, but to be honest I think Air Bud or even Helen Keller could look like Heisman candidates against that Rebel D. Regardless, I’m not picking against Coach O or Jeaux Burreaux. And, there’s no way Coach O is going to be intimidated by The Swamp because I’m pretty sure he wrestles live gators for morning cardio.
LSU 24 Florida 13
Booze – Jungle Juice. Whatever you want to call it just pour a shit ton of grain alcohol into an unsterilized Gatorade cooler and dilute it with Hawaiian punch and like a single orange slice. Jungle Juice is perfect for these teams, these mascots, and these muggy ass campuses at each school. Plus who wouldn’t want to see Coach O drink a whole cooler of this through a crazy straw and then drunk drive an airboat?
4:00 – UL-Monroe @ Ole Miss (-21) – O/U 75.5
I will bet the mortgage on this game this weekend. Ole Miss has been the most underwhelming thing I’ve seen since The Godfather Pt. 3. However, they’re only a 21 point favorite at home to a team that has lost 3 straight games, and is giving up 300 pass ypg. On top of that they’re only scoring 21.2 ppg which gives me hope that…gulp…Ole Miss’ defense might actually have a good day. Even if they don’t I think Ta’amu and NWO will light up a defense that gave up 46 points to Georgia State and 43 ppg in their last 3 games.
It’s been a tough season for Ole Miss fans. Watching their team has given me a whole new appreciation and understanding for how disappointed parents feel when their kid changes their major to Art or quits baseball to focus on the clarinet. “Bradford, are you sure you don’t want to reconsider? We support you either way *power drinks Woodford until he can’t feel feelings*”
Landsharks 56 Warhawks 24
Booze – Woodford Reserve. And, as much as you can until you fall asleep until 2019. It’s been a tough season for Ole Miss fans. Watching their team has given me a whole new appreciation and understanding for how disappointed parents feel when their kid changes their major to Art or quits baseball to focus on the clarinet. “Bradford, are you sure you don’t want to reconsider? We support you either way *power drinks Woodford until he can’t feel feelings*”
7:00 – Kentucky @ Texas A&M (-5.5) – O/U 50.5
For the 3rd time in a month Kentucky went out and won as an underdog. They even jumped up all the way to #13 in the polls. And, how did Vegas reward them? By making them a 6.5 pt underdog against Texas A&M. As a comedian, I hate two things: responsible career choices and Rodney Dangerfield. That being said Kentucky STILL can’t get no respect. 5.5 points is important for this reason – 73% of teams who are a 5 to 5.5 pt underdog cover the spread, and 40% win outright.
I read that in like 2012. It may still be true. Regardless, one stat that is definitely true is that Terry Wilson has still thrown for only 2 TD’s this entire season, and they were both in the same game. He hasn’t thrown a TD in 4 of 5 games this season, yet somehow UK has won every game this year by double digits. I like Kentucky a lot, and I think their defense is one of the best in the entire country. But, Kyle Field will be too much for Terry Wilson, and this one dimensional Kentucky offense.
Texas A&M 24 Kentucky 20
Booze – Rolling Rock. Rolling Rock is like the third nipple of beers. You’re not sure why it’s there or if it has ever served a functioning role for literally anything. But, every couple of weeks/ months you see it, and are like “Oh shit, just like Subaru Outbacks or the Insane Clown Posse, that’s still a thing.”
That’s kind of how I feel with both of these programs. Like, who is really cheering for UK football? And, who makes a college decision based on wanting to live with 85% male student body in a giant glorified JROTC summer camp for campus? The same people who are fucking drinking Rolling Rock. That’s who. The same people that you see buying a pickle in a bag and a sixer of not-Heineken at the local Citgo.
7:30 – Vandy @ UGA (-26.5) – O/U 50
I’ll keep this one short and sweet. UGA hasn’t looked like the #2 ranked team in the country in either of their past 2 games. They’ve looked undisciplined, the offense has stalled at times, and they have struggled to put teams away early when given the chance to do so. Luckily Vanderbilt comes to Athens this weekend which is the football equivalent to having an open book test for Midterms. Vandy gave up 27 points to Tennessee St last weekend are were losing with 8 minutes left in the 4th. I think UGA dominates from start to finish, and much to the dismay of Jordan Rodgers (and his weekly QB rankings) Jake Fromm outperforms Kyle Shurmur. By a lot.
UGA 48 Vandy 13
Booze – Stella. Why? People that order Stella are either: in a higher tax bracket than me or are forced to order it because they’re at a wedding, christening, etc that their wife made them come to. Kirby Smart fits both of these descriptions. Also, Stella is sooooooo Vandy. It’s white, privileged, and becomes tasteless and uninteresting halfway through the bottle and/ or season.
7:30 – Auburn (-3.5) @ Miss St – O/U 41.5
This matchup makes me feel like I’m watching a game of musical chairs that nobody wants to win. It features two of the most talented D-Lines in the country as well as two of the most inept offenses in the SEC. Miss St has scored 1 TD in 8 Quarters of SEC play, and Auburn’s offense has disappointed worse than a handjob on a honeymoon. This is not what we signed up for Auburn.
Regardless, Auburn’s defense has been quietly dominant and has only allowed 5 TD’s the whole season. That’s the lowest in the entire country. I think they go on the road and beat a very, very overrated Mississippi St team and force Nick Fitzgerald into even more mistakes than he usually makes on his own.
Auburn 23 Miss St 16
Booze – Pumking. It’s one of the best selling Pumpkin beers out there. It’s so fucking trendy that it even only comes in a 4 pack. Trendy, orange, and underwhelming are great words to describe these teams. Both came into the season with a lot of hype. Miss St had QB Nick Fitzgerald and his brand new ankle along with 17 returning starters. And, Auburn was fresh off of signing Gus Malzahn to the most prisoner of the moment Dan Uggla style contract in college football history.
To be fair, Auburn still has a chance to achieve all their goals, and their defense is quietly putting up elite numbers. However, their offense looks more inept and awkward than Frank Thomas’ acting in those weird Neutrogenix commercials with the testosterone and cucking. Also, just like pumpkins, adequate amounts of daylight, and my diet – both of these teams will be forgotten about once November rolls around.